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This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Close Rick-Counters of the Rick Kind." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
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This article is a transcript of the Rick and Morty episode "Close Rick-counters of the Rick Kind" from season 1, which aired on April 7, 2014.
Transcript[]
[The Smith family is seen sitting around the table eating breakfast. The viewer at this point doesn't know that this scene is set in a dimension that is not Dimension C-137 with a different Smith family, but this will be apparent at the end of the scene.]
Beth: So dad, guess what tomorrow is...
Rick: Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday.
Beth: No... well, it might be...
Rick: It is.
Beth: Fine, but also, tomorrow is your one year anniversary back in our lives. I'm gonna make you flying saucer-shaped pancakes.
Rick: Oh, there's no need to do that, Beth. Regular pancakes are fine.
(A portal appears on their wall and Evil Rick and Evil Morty emerge from it carrying a gun and a tranquilizer respectively. Evil Rick shoots Rick in the head and kills him. Evil Morty shoots Morty in the shoulder with his tranquilizer and he passes out. Evil Morty then drags Morty across the breakfast table and he and Evil Rick drag Morty through the portal, and the portal disappears. The family screams in horror the entire time.)
[Opening sequence plays]
(The Smith family is seen sitting around the table eating breakfast. This scene takes place in Dimension C-137)
Beth: Happy anniversary, dad!
Rick: Oh, I get it. Regular pancakes are already shaped like flying saucers. [takes bite] Mmm, I should be making you breakfast for putting up with me.
Jerry: Should be making us a whole restaurant.
Beth: Nonsense, we couldn’t be happier to have you around. I just wish I got to see more of you.
(Three armed Ricks come into the room through a portal)
Rick 1 : Rick Sanchez of Earth Dimension C-137. You are under arrest for crimes against alternate Ricks by the authority of the Trans-Dimensional Council of Ricks.
Jerry: Hey! What the heck?
Rick 1: Neutralise the Jerry.
Jerry: Wait, no! I'll-
(Rick 2 shoots at Jerry, freezing him)
Summer: Dad!
Beth: Dad!
Morty: Rick
Rick (C-137): Everybody relax. If I know these a-holes, and I am these a-holes, they just wanna haul me to their stupid clubhouse and waste my time with a bunch of questions. Let’s get it over with.
Rick 1: Bring his Mo-[belches]-orty.
Morty: Oh, man.
Rick (C-137): Leave my [belches] Morty out of this!
Rick 1: You lost the right to have a say in these things when you refused to join [belches] the council.
Beth: Wait, wh-wh-wh-what about Jerry?
Rick (C-137): Will you at least unfreeze my daughter’s idiot?
(Rick 1 unfreezes Jerry. Rick 2 and Rick 3 take Rick through the portal and all exit)
Jerry: -give you anything! I have a rare antique coin collection, just don’t hurt me! [pauses] Okay, maybe not antique, but it was a limited minting. They have little R2D2s instead of George Washingtons.
Beth: Our son’s been abducted!
Jerry: You hate me for buying those coins!
[Trans. Ext Citadel of Ricks]
[Trans. Int Citadel of Ricks. The three armed Ricks and C-137 Rick and Morty enter through a portal]
Morty (Crononberg): Geez, Rick! Wh-what is this place?
Rick (C-137): The Citadel of Ricks. It’s the secret headquarters for the council of Ricks.
Morty (Crononberg): Council of Ricks?
Rick (C-137): As you know, Morty, I’ve got a lotta enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government: wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish or those people who answer questions on Yahoo! Answers.
Morty (Crononberg): Hey, what do you know? It’s a cowboy version of me!
Rick (C-137): Geez, you’re easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who’s-who of who’s you and me.
Rick Salesman 1: Turn your boring old Morty into a hot fashion statement, with some Morty dazzlers!
Rick Salesman 2: Hey, check this out!
(Rick Salesman 2 holds up a Morty doll and presses a button in the middle)
Morty Doll: Show me the Morty!
Rick (C-137): Dumb.
Rick Salseman 3: ‘Scuse me, sir. Is your Morty insured? You know, every year hundreds of Mortys are injured in-
Rick (C-137): Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place.
[Trans. Hallway leading to the Council]
Rick (C-137): I say the point of being a Rick is being a-Rick.
Rick 1: Save your anti-Rick speech for the council of Ricks, terror-Rick!
Rick (C-137): Hey, save your Rick rules for the [belches] sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig.
Rick 1: Fuck me, pal.
Rick (C-137): Fuck you?! No no no no no, fuck me!
(They reach the end of the hallway and the door opens automatically, revealing the council of Ricks)
Rick Council 1: Bring up the holograms!
(A screen depicting several dead Ricks appears)
Rick Council 1: Twenty-seven Ricks brutally murdered in their own timelines. An unprecedented Rick-icidal epidemic. What say you, Earth Rick C-137?
Rick (C-137): You think I did this? Why am I the first Rick you pull in every time a Rick stubs his toe?
Rick Council 1: You [belches] have a history of non-cooperation with the council.
Rick (C-137): Yeah, so does the scientist formerly known as Rick! Wh-wh-wh-why isn’t he here in handcuffs?
Rick Council 1: Because he’s dead too!
Rick crowd: No!
Rick Council 1: Who else would you have us question? You fit the profile! Of all the Ricks in the Central Finite Curve, you’re the Malcontent! The rogue.
Rick (C-137): I’m the Rick! And so were the rest of you before you formed this stupid alliance. You wanted to be safe from the government so you became a stupid government. That makes every Rick here less Rick than me.
Rick crowd: (Can you believe this guy? This guy needs to get out of here, etc. Ad lib)
Rick (C-137): Yeah, murmur it up, d-bags. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got pancakes back home with syrup on top of them. They’re about to hit that critical point of syrup absorption that turns the cakes into a gross paste. And I hate to get all Andy Rooney about it, but I think we all like fluffy discs of cake with syrup on top! And I think we also like to be accused of crimes when there’s evidence! So as they say in Canada, peace oot!
Rick Council 1: Evidence? Good idea. Scan his Portal Gun!
(Rick 1 reaches into C-137’s lab coat and retrieves his portal gun)
Rick (C-137): Oh, come on. Don’t look at another man’s Portal Gun history. We-we all go to weird places.
Rick Council 1: Yes, but it appears you alone have been going to the exact timelines and locations in which the murders occured!
(A diagram appears on the screen, displaying C-137’s portal gun history. Entries for certain dimensions flash green before it finally settles on a select few which flash red)
Rick (C-137): What? That’s Rick-diculous. I’m obviously being set up!
Rick Council 1: Earth Rick C-137! The Council of Ricks sentences you to The Machine of Unspeakable Doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you know becomes impossible to grasp! Also, every ten seconds it stabs your balls.
Rick (C-137): I’ve heard enough.
(C-137 elbows Rick 1 and tackles him into Rick 2, taking his gun and shooting through his own and then Morty’s handcuffs. The two run away)
Rick (C-137): Run, Morty!
(A Morty from the crowd starts to run too)
Crowd rick: Uh uh, not you!
[Trans. back to corridor. Rick and Morty (C-137) are running, and are being chased by Ricks]
Morty (Crononberg): Aaaaah!
(Rick shoots into the side walls with his portal gun. As the chasing Ricks pass, several of them get set on fire, attacked by insects, dragged into the portals by tentacles or hit by falling pumpkins)
Armed Rick 1: Nooo!
Armed Rick 2: Arrrrgh! Ahhhh!
Armed Rick 3: Aaaah!
Armed Ricks 4 and 5: Oof!
(The two reach the end of the corridor, which cuts off to a moveable ramp which is currently down and is blocked by a railing. They leap over. As they fall, Rick C-137 shoots a portal beneath them which they then fall through)
[Trans. Buttworld. Rick and Morty C-137 fall through a portal onto a large butt mountain. They bounce off and continue running]
Morty (Crononberg): Oh! Oooh!
(Rick C-137 shoots a portal in between two buttcheeks, which they run through, with the other Ricks in hot pursuit)
[Trans. Pizza dimension. A pizza sits on a couch dialing on a phone, while another is lying down on another couch)
Pizza 1: Yeah, I’d like to order one large person with extra people please.
Pizza 2: White people. No no no no no, black people. And hispanic on half.
(C-137 Rick and Morty run out of a portal and shoot another portal onto the opposite wall, then run through. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them follow)
[Trans. Greasy grandma world. The dimension is full of greasy grandmas. A banner says “Welcome to greasy grandma world. Population: A whole lot, sonny!”]
(C-137 Rick and Morty run through, avoiding the grandmas as much as possible. They shoot another portal in the wall and run through. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them follow)
[Trans. Phone dimension. A phone sits on a pizza dialing on a person, while another is lying down on another pizza]
Phone 1: Yes, I’d like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair please.
Phone 2: High chair. No no no no no, recliner! And wheelchair on half.
(C-137 Rick and Morty run out of a portal and shoot another portal onto the opposite wall, then run through. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them follow)
[Trans. Doopidoo dimension. Several doopidoo creatures stand around repeating the phrase “Doopidoo” over and over]
(Rick C-137 shoots several portals into the wall, and enters the last one. The Ricks and Mortys chasing them enter the dimension but don’t know which portal to go into)
Armed Rick 6: They could have gone into any one of these.
Armed Ricks: (Ugh, son of a-, aw geez, aw man, we lost him, etc. Ad lib)
[Trans. Chair dimension. A sofa sits on a person dialing on a pizza, while another is lying down on another person)
Sofa 1: Yeah, I’d like to order one large phone with extra phones please.
Sofa 2: Cellphone. No no no no no, rotary! And payphone on half.
(C-137 Rick and Morty run out of a portal)
Rick: That’ll keep ‘em [belches] busy for a while.
Morty: Those guys were wrong, right? You don’t- you wouldn’t kill yourself… y-yourselves?
Rick: ‘Course not, Morty! How could that profit me? Someone out there is killing Ricks, and the council ain’t gonna stop thinking it’s me until we clear our names.
(The two pass a homeless sofa, who’s initially drinking but stares at them as they pass and dumps out his bottle)
Rick: By finding the real Rick killer.
Morty: I’m scared, Rick! Maybe we should go home and stockpile weapons like that show Doomsday Preppers.
Rick: Not really my style, Morty. Besides, your home is most likely swarming with Ricks right now.
[Trans. Smith living room. Jerry’s reading a newspaper, Summer’s on her phone, and a bunch of Ricks and Mortys are searching the place]
Rick 1: Alright, listen, Jerry. If Rick calls, this device is going to trace his location. You just gotta keep ‘em on the phone for thirty seconds or longer.
Beth: Who wants lemonade?
Rick 1: Oh yeah! Mmm! Oh, delicious!
Rick 2: Beth, [belches] you’re a treasure.
Rick 3: I have a Beth just like you in my [belches] reality, except you know what? She’s not as brilliant or [belches] attractive!
Beth: Aww, thank [belches] you!
All Ricks: Ohohoho! She did it! She did it!
(Phone rings. Rick 4 makes a signal to say they’re tracing the signal. Jerry picks it up)
Jerry: Uh, hello?
Rick (phone): Hey Jerry, it’s Rick.
Jerry: Rick! Heyy. Haha, what’s- what’s up?
Rick (phone): So listen, the heat’s on and [belches] there’s nowhere left to turn so Morty and I are just going to fly my spaceship into a black hole.
Jerry: What?
Rick (phone): Is that cool with you, dog?
Jerry: Rick, no! Mortyyyy!
Rick 4: I got it! The call’s coming from… inside the house!
All Ricks: [laughing] (Look at his face! I can’t believe our daughter married you, too easy, etc. Ad lib)
[Trans. Chair dimension. Rick and Morty are in a restaurant run by chairs]
Rick: The Ricks are probably gonna waste some time messing with Jerry. They won’t be able to help themselves. But as soon as they get bored they’ll be on to us.
Chair waiter: Phones á la clams, and phonesgetti with phoneballs. Anything else?
Rick: Yeah, more phonesticks please.
Phone waiter: Right away, sir.
Morty: You know Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought ‘gee, that kinda devalues our bond.’ But then I realised that just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines.
Rick: Yeah, it’s gotta be that way. You’re a camouflage.
Morty: Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick?
Rick: Ricks have a very distinct and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy’s radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. See, wh-wh-when a Rick is with a Morty, the genius waves get cancelled out by the uh, [clears throat] Morty waves.
Morty: Um… because… our personalities are so different?
Rick: Oh, shit dog! My portal gun was hacked remotely Morty, obviously by the real killer to frame me. But I was able to trace the signal. Come on, let’s go!
(The two stand up. As they’re about to leave, two Ricks and a Morty enter the restaurant and address the waiter)
Rick (C-137): Uh-oh!
Rick 1: ‘Scuse me, we’ve tracked a pair of dangerous criminals to this exact location. They look exactly like us, so in order to avoid confusion I’m going to mark us each with a red X right now. That way if someone has a gun and we both tell you to shoot the other one because they’re the evil one, you’ll know who’s lying.
Rick 2: Hey, check it out!
(Two person-chairs that look like Rick and Morty from behind are beside a table. When the two Ricks rush over to turn them around, it’s revealed that they’re not)
Rick 1: Dammit!
(They look out the window, to see C-137 flipping them off from in a police hovercraft. They rush outside, and the waiter follows)
Chair waiter: Hey! You didn’t pay your bill!
Rick 1: The red X! Red X.
[Trans. Green planet. Rick and Morty are flying in the police hovercraft, searching]
Rick: Hey, it’s a good thing that space outlet had labcoats and your favourite kind of shirt in stock, huh Morty?
Morty: Yeah, Rick. I-I heard you the first time. You don’t have to keep saying it over and over and over.
Rick: Man, this place is wayyy off the grid. This guy does not wanna be found.
Morty: Well, if he’s a Rick, doesn’t he just have to stand by a Morty to hide? I mean, isn’t that what Mortys are? Human cloaking devices?
Rick: Morty, you’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is.
(In the distance a dome comes into view. Faint yelling can be heard)
Morty: Oh my god, Rick, look! There’s a bunch of people strapped all over that building!
Rick: Not people, Morty. Mortys.
(As they get closer, it’s revealed that the dome is covered top to bottom in naked Mortys, who are strapped to the surface and are being tortured with contraptions that stab their sides constantly. Constant Morty yelling can be heard)
Morty (C-137): Oh my god… wh-why would somebody do this? It’s horrible!
Rick: Well, one Morty’s enough to hide from the bureaucrats. But you g- you get a whole matrix of Mortys and put ‘em in agonising pain. That creates a pattern that can hide even from other Ricks, motherfucker. I fiddled with a [belches] concept like this once.
(They land. Morty stares at Rick)
Rick: On paper, Morty, on paper! I wouldn’t do this, it’s barbaric overkill. I mean, you could accomplish the same result with like five Mortys and a jumper cable. [pauses as Morty glares at him] Which I also wouldn’t do! I’m just saying, it’s bad craftsmanship.
[Trans. Smith living room. Ricks are playing cards while Mortys watch. Jerry’s on his laptop]
Beth: Coffee time!
All ricks: (Yeah! That’s what I like to hear! etc. Ad lib)
(The Ricks run into the kitchen, and the Mortys take the place of the Ricks on the cards table. Doofus Rick enters the house)
Jerry: Ugh.
Doofus Rick: Hi Jerry!
Jerry: Leave me alone, I’m working!
Doofus Rick: Oh, you are? Wh-wh-what do you do?
Jerry: Ugh. I’m- I’m in between advertising jobs.
Doofus Rick: Advertising? Wow! So, people need help figuring out what to buy and then y-you help them?
Jerry: W-well, it’s a little more complicated than that…
Doofus Rick: Well, I mean, you do it, and you seem like a guy that really has it all together!
Jerry: [Looks around for hiding Ricks] Dude, are you… wh- you’re being a dick, right?
Doofus Rick: Oh gosh, wh- I hope not! I-I-I-I wouldn’t want to offend you in any way!
Jerry: You’re really a Rick?
Doofus Rick: Ohoho! Y-of course I am! Just as much as my Morty’s a Morty!
(Doofus Rick’s morty waves to Doofus Rick from the poker table)
Jerry: Hey, he looks a lot like Eric Stoltz from the movie ‘Mask.’ You know, the one with Cher in it?
Doofus Rick: That’s right, Jerry! He-he’s from a reality where everyone is Eric Stoltz mask people! He’s Eric Stoltz mask Morty! They assigned him to me because… I never had any kids of my own. But if I did, boy, I’d love ‘em if they were as smart and as successful as you are, Jerry.
(Ricks return with coffee)
Rick 1: Hey, get a load of this! Jerry’s hanging out with doofus Rick.
Rick 2: Haha, this is perfect.
Doofus Rick: I’m not doofus Rick! I’m Rick J-19-Zeta-7!
Rick 1: Oh, is that the timeline where everybody eats poop? Jerry, you know this guy eats poop, right?
Doofus Rick: Hey! I don’t eat poop! Y-you guys are always so mean to me!
Rick 1 and 2: [laughing]
Doofus Rick: I guess it’s only fair to tell you now, Jerry… I’m the worst Rick of them all.
Jerry: According to who? Other versions of you? If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that before you get anywhere in life, you gotta stop listening to yourself.
Doofus Rick: Wow, you really are wise, Jerry. I-I guess that’s why you work in advertising!
Jerry: The fact that you feel that way makes you the best Rick of them all.
[Trans. Int dome. Rick and Morty are exploring corridors]
Morty: You don’t care about me at all! I’m no different than that jacket you’ve got on! Y-y-or-or your stupid portal gun! I’m just a tool! I-I’m just an object!
Rick: Hey, it’s your choice to take it personally, Morty. Now for the love of god, be quiet! The point of this is to get the drop on the guy!
Morty: You know what Rick, I’ll tell you something! I’m more than a human shield!
Rick: Yeah, that’s right! You are! You’re a perfect impenetrable suit of human armour, Morty! Because you’re as dumb as I am smart! Which is why when I say ‘shut up’ it’s really good advice.
(Morty tears up. A bunch of lobster-like aliens come out of the nearby corridors and surround them)
Rick: Great, nice work, Morty.
(Rick starts attacking and kicking the aliens. He kills the first wave, but more surround them quickly)
Rick: Urrgh.
(Evil Rick and Evil Morty emerge. Evil Rick is slow clapping)
Evil Rick: Ooh, look at you, C-137! You’re- aren’t you a tough customer?
Rick: The slow clap? Really? Kinda played out, dude.
Evil Rick: Not in this dimension it isn’t. In fact, hah, I invented it and nobody else has ever even done it here before.
Rick: Well lah-dee-dah. [slow claps]
Evil Rick: Hey, that’s mine!
[Trans. Rick and Morty have been apprehended and are being carried down the corridor by lobster aliens]
Rick: I don’t like the look of that Rick, Morty. We gotta escape.
Morty: I’m not gonna help you, Rick. Y-you’re a monster.
Rick: Don’t be Rickdiculous, Morty.
Morty: W-will you stop saying that? It’s stupid.
Evil Rick: Take his Morty away.
Evil Morty: Come with me.
Morty: Yeah, gladly. Geez man, Ricks huh?
(The two leave to the left. The view changes to another, smaller corridor, which the two walk down)
Morty: Hey man, you seem to know how this place works. Is there any way we can… shut down that grid and rescue all those Mortys outside?
Evil Morty: It would be pointless. Mortys have no chance of defeating a Rick.
(He opens a door)
Evil Morty: In here.
(As Morty walks in, he sees it’s filled with a crowd of scared, shivering Mortys. As he tries to leave, Evil Morty closes the door behind him, locking him in)
[Trans. Evil Rick’s lab. Rick is tied to an examination table. An array of computers and other devices are visible. Many of the Mortys from the outside of the dome are visible]
Evil Rick: Ahh, isn’t it beautiful?
Rick: Yeah, yeah, looks like payday at Neverland ranch in here. Zing!
Lobster alien: Hehehehehehehehehe.
Rick: That guy got it.
Evil Rick: Ah-ah Rick, quiet. You’re missing my symphony.
(Evil Rick presses a button, allowing the sounds of the Mortys in pain to come through. He conducts it for a bit)
Rick: Hey, I’ll take it over Mumford and Sons. Zip!
Lobster alien: Hehehehehehehehehe.
Rick: This guy is on it!
Evil Rick: He’s not laughing at your dumb jokes, Rick. That’s just a random noise it makes every ten seconds.
Lobster alien: Hehehehehehehehehe.
Rick: Awww.
Evil Rick: See, Rick, you’re not as clever as you think you are. I wanted you to find me. We’re not so [belch] different, you and I.
(Evil Rick activates a display showing all the Ricks from different timelines)
Rick: Yeah, duh!
Evil Rick: See this right here, Rick? I crunched the numbers, I created a spectrum of all the Ricks. I listed ‘em out from most evil to least evil. Here’s where I am. And look at right here’s where you are, Rick. This guy right here? Super weird.
Rick: I get it. So you want me to team up with you to take down the council of Ricks, right? Is that where you’re going with this? ‘Cause that’s where I’d be going.
Evil Rick: Please. I think I’m doing pretty good on my own. I’m simply going to download the contents of your brain, and then kill you.
[Trans. Rick’s garage. Doofus Rick is mixing chemicals and Jerry is watching]
Doofus Rick: Okay, if we add a little more titanium nitrate, and just a tad of chlorified tartrate: ovenless brownies!
(Jerry takes a brownie, eats it and smiles)
Jerry: It’s incredible what a gifted mind can accomplish when priorities are in order!
Doofus Rick: Well, come on, I can’t take all the credit, Jerry. It was your idea. C’mere Jerry!
(Both hug and laugh)
Jerry: Hey, uh. C’mere, uh. I-I wanna show you something.
(They exit the garage and Jerry pulls out a box, then opens it to reveal coins with R2D2s on them)
Jerry: Okay, look. Everybody makes fun of me for getting these, but… you’re a genius scientist, what do you think? There’s little R2D2s where the George Washingtons should be!
Doofus Rick: You know Jerry, I’m not gonna tell you that these will increase in value, or even hold their current value. The truth is… you bought ‘em ‘cause you like ‘em. They have value to you. That’s what matters.
Jerry: (tearing up) How long are you staying?
Doofus Rick: Until we find your Rick.
Jerry: (hugging doofus Rick) I found mine. I found mine.
[Trans. Morty prison. C-137 Morty is bashing at the door. He is approached by a group of Mortys wearing robes and facepaint]
Morty (C-137): Help!
Religious Morty: There is no escape, my son. We will find our peace in the next world.
(Religious Morty offers C-137 a pamphlet titled “The Good Morty”)
Morty (C-137): So what? Y-y-y-y-you’re just going to give up?
Religious Morty: We’re giving in to the power of the One True Morty. One day he will return!
All religious Mortys: Praise the One True Morty!
(Morty opens “The Good Morty” to the first page, then scoffs and throws it away)
Morty (C-137): Alright Mortys, listen up! My name is Morty Smith, from Earth dimension C-137! I know you’re scared, because I’m scared! But that’s no reason to accept our fate. We’re Mortys! We’re not defined by our relationships to Rick. Our destiny is our own!
Morty 1: This sounds like something the One True Morty might say. I’m sick of being a human shield! I-I-I-I wanna be a gardener!
Morty 2: I wanna write really crazy, intense action novels.
Hammer Morty: I’m more than just a hammer!
Religious Morty: He is the one true Morty! The one true Morty!
All Mortys: Hooray!
(The door opens, and a lobster alien walks in)
Lobster alien: Hey, keep it down!
All Mortys: Raaaaugh!
(The Mortys rush the door, breaking free and charging down the corridor)
[Trans. Evil Rick’s lab. Evil Rick is going through Rick’s memories on a screen]
Evil Rick: You’ve lived quite a life, Rick. It’s a real shame you’re not gonna be around to see it through.
(The memories change theme to feature Morty in each one. Rick tears up)
Evil Rick: You’re crying? Over a Morty?
Rick: No, I’m just allergic to dipshits.
Evil Rick: Ugh, pathetic. We both know that if there’s any truth in the universe, it’s that Ricks don’t care about Mortys.
(The Mortys break through the door and rush at Evil Rick, killing the lobster aliens, surrounding him and tearing into him)
Evil Rick: Do your worst, you little bastards! Kill me! Do it! Do it!
(Evil Rick dies. Morty C-137 appears and approaches Rick)
Rick: Morty! Get me out of this! Come on!
Morty (C-137): You’re lucky I’m not a Rick.
(Morty C-137 unbuckles Rick from the examination table)
Rick: Point taken, but this is [belches] no time for arcs.
(He presses a button, disengaging the Morty shield. Mortys are released and pour down off the dome. Rick grabs a phone and rings home)
Rick 1: Yeah, hello?
Rick (C-137): Hey, what do me and O.J. not have in common?
Rick 1: Huh? Wh-who is this?
Rick (C-137): I found the real killer, biitch! Get over here!
[Trans. Jerry and doofus Rick are playing with legos. Rick 1 opens the door]
Rick 1: Yo ding-dong! We’re done here. Time to go.
Doofus Rick: Well Jerry, I [belches] guess this means goodbye.
Jerry: W-w-well, does it have to? Heh, you, you look just like Rick. We could maybe… you know… get rid of him? I’m not saying kill him, necessarily, I-I’m also not saying necessarily not kill him, but-
Doofus Rick: Jerry. W-we both know it wouldn’t work. It’s time to go back to our lives. I love you, Jerry. I love ya.
(Doofus Rick hugs Jerry and leaves. Jerry makes as if to follow him, then stops and punches a wall. The lego castle they built falls apart)
[Trans. Evil Rick’s lab. The Mortys are still fighting. Ricks from the citadel move in and stop each Morty, pulling them off Evil Rick’s corpse and bringing them back to the citadel]
Morty (C-137): Wh-wh-what’s gonna happen to all these Mortys?
Council Rick 1: They’ll go back to their families, attend school regularly, play video games, date girls… poor little Rickless bastards.
[Trans. Citadel of Ricks. The council has gathered around C-137 Rick and Morty]
Council Rick 1: Earth Rick C-137, the Council apologises for its false accusation. And in the way of reparations for our terrible mistake, we would like to compensate you with this voucher for a free replacement Morty, in the event that [belches] your current [belches] Morty should-
Rick: Uh, guys? Not a good time. Come on, Morty, let’s hit it.
(Before they leave, Rick takes the voucher anyway)
[Trans. Citadel outside. Rick and Morty are walking away from the council]
Morty: Is it time for arcs yet, Rick? I did a pretty great job back there for a human cloaking device. Saved your ass.
Rick: Alright, Morty, don’t break an arm jerking yourself off.
Morty: Man, I can’t believe you, Rick! That right there! Tha-that was a great opportunity to show a little humanity. You know? To connect with me a little?
Rick: Hey Morty, you want connection? Go be part of some stupid club like all those dumb Ricks. You know, maybe I don’t connect because I’m the Rickest Rick there is. And you know, it would [belch] go without saying that the Rickest Rick… would have the Mortyest Morty.
Morty: It would go without saying, huh?
Rick: Yeah, it would. Did you hear me say it?
Morty: Na (to himself) The Mortyest Morty…
Rick: Just don’t get too big for your loafers, Buster Brown. A cocky Morty could lead to some big problems. Could be a real bad thing for everybody.
Morty: Oh yeah, how’s that?
Rick: I-I-I’ll explain when you’re older.
[Trans. Evil Rick’s lab. Evil Rick is lying in a pool of blood being inspected by Ricks. For the Damaged Coda by Blonde Redhead starts playing in the background]
Rick 1: What a mess!
Rick 2: Pride cometh before the fall. I guess he got what he deserved.
Rick 1: What is that?
(Rick 1 turns Evil Rick’s head over to reveal wires)
Rick 2: Hand me the laser defibrillator.
Doofus Rick: Hey guys! Uh, c-can I help?
Rick 2: No! Go clean the toilets! Maybe you’ll make friends with some turds.
Rick 1: You make us ashamed to be ourselves!
(Rick 2 removes the top of Evil Rick’s head to reveal electronics woven into his brain. They pull out a chip)
Rick 1: My God! I’ve seen this technology before. This Rick was being controlled remotely, puppeteered by somebody else! This is the Receiver.
Rick 2: Yeah, but where’s the Transmitter?
[Trans. Citadel of Ricks. Mortys are being loaded into spaceships to be delivered to their respective dimensions]
(Evil Morty follows them, and removes his eyepatch, revealing the transmitter. He crushes it underfoot and hides the wires, then follows the rest of the Mortys)
[Credits play]
[After credits scene: Jerry is sitting in Rick’s bedroom, trying not to cry. Rick enters]
Rick: Wubbalubbadubdub! Oh. Hey Jerry. Wh-wh-what are you doing in my room, buddy?
Jerry: Nothing! I was just, um, checking the smoke detectors.
Rick: Alright. Okay, get out.
(Jerry leaves and goes down to the dining room. He looks outside the window and sees doofus Rick standing in the rain and smiles. Rick appears beside Jerry)
Rick: What’s that dipshit doing out there? Are you friends with him? You know he eats his own shit, right? Oh my god, this is rich! I’ve got like [belches] ten Ricks to call right now!
[Episode ends]