Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

This article is a transcript of the Rick and Morty episode Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate from Season 2.

Transcript

Rick: Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.You hear me Jerry? You're gonna be fine!

(Jerry pukes.)

Morty: Woahh!

Rick: ooo... Watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.

Beth: Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

Rick: I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically the second freezer drawer is mine.

Beth: Not anymore.

Rick: You're overreacting!

Alien Nurse: We're losing him.

Rick: Alright fine, but you're not touching my CRISPR.

Summer: Is he going to die?

Alien Nurse: Don't worry. Dr. Glipglop is the best in the galaxy

Dr. Glipglop: Hello, I'm Dr. Glipglop.

(Jerry pukes a projectile of bile directly at Dr. Glipglop. Dr. Glipglop breaks out into a murderous rage. Rick then disintegrates Dr. Glipglop )

Rick: What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the gal(Belch)axy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world. What- Do you think they have pizza contests? Have you ever been to a pizza contest?

Beth: Go in the waiting room, Dad.

Rick: Fine! (Transition to the waiting room) Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for- Just kidding, I don't care. Well this won't do.(Rick walks up to a TV and smashes the cable box)

Alien Nurse: Hey! What are you doing!?!

Rick: A sequel.

Alien Nurse: I don't understand.

Rick: Yeah me neither, we pretty much nailed it the first time. (On the TV: Inter-dimensional Cable II)

(Intro)

(Rick begins to flip through channels while Morty and Summer look very worried)

Randy Dicknose: Man vs. Car. The newest hit show where it pits a man against a car. Tonight's episode Jenkins fights... a regular old car. Here we go. He's pushin' his way through, he's trying to fight that car. The car seems to have the upper hand- Oh, he just got some push-back there.

(The car runs over the man and the tires rip him apart)

Randy Dicknose: Oh, he just got ran over and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the car. Ha ha ha ha ha... I mean the cars always win.

(Channel changes)

Alien Man: Samantha, I need to know that you understand that I have a couple of eye-holes. (The Alien tears off some skin flaps and reveals some eye-holes)

Samantha: I do, I do understand about your eye-holes! Here, look at my eye-holes! (She tears off her skin flap to reveal many more eye-holes)

Alien Man: Oh, my goodness you have eight eye-holes! (Their eye-holes make contact and start to "kiss") Oh, I'm looking through your eye-holes!

Samantha: Yes, look through my eye-holes!

(The Eye-hole man hovers above the home in a helicopter, then uses a rope to drop into the house)

Eye-hole Man: I'm the Eye-hole Man! I'm the only one whose allowed... to have eye-holes! (He kicks the eye-holes out of the aliens' heads) Get on up outta here with my eye-holes!

Announcer: Eye-holes! Get them today! IKEA.

Rick: You gotta be careful Morty, if that guy catches you with a box of his eye-holes he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit outta you. But it's worth the risk, they melt in your mouth Morty! They're delicious.

Beth: I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal, we're worried about Jerry.

Rick: Well you're thirty-nine years too late, or however old he is. Is he fifty? Oh man, Beth is, is Jerry fifity!?

(Transition to Jerry who is just waking up in his hospital bed)

Jerry: Where am I?

Alien Doctor: Relax Mr. Smith, you're in an alien hospital. I mean to you it's an alien hospital, to me you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.

Jerry Oh, really?

Alien 1: An hour ago Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life!

Jerry: My goodness.

Alien 1: Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibble's life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis.

Jerry: I see-WAIT! What?

Alien Doctor: It's perfect! The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call "your balls". With relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be molded into a working heart for the most important man in the universe!

Jerry: Yeah, but, I mean-

Alien 2: Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time!

Alien 1: Have respect Yarb, the earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Klorgon or the tragic events of 6-5.3-4-3-2.2-3-14

Old Alien: And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small, it's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties, where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out "hey look at me! I'm Mr. so and so dick." "I've got such and such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.

Jerry: Alright! That's enough. You're talking about my species! We understand genocide, we do it sometimes!

Alien 1: Then you would give your penis so Shrimply Pibbles may live?

Alien 2: Stop asking!

Jerry: Yes I will! That's right, assholes, take my penis, TAKE IT ALL! And tell Shrimply Pimples that when the galaxy came calling Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

(Back to the waiting room where Rick is laughing while evreyone else is stressed)

Rick: Hey, what's wrong Morty? Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh?

Morty: Huh? Uh, no no no, I'm-I'm just looking at that lady getting coffee. What's up with her face? Is she a human or is she like Worf. You know Worf, from Star Trek, where he has the shit all over his face but he's just a human in a costume, you know?

Rick: Morty let's-let's see what else is on.

Morty: Okay.

TV Host: And now we're back to "How Did I Get Here?" The only show that makes you ask "How Did I Get Here?" (Weird laughing from him) Here's our first person!

(It's the Worf lady stuck on top of a light post)

Worf Lady: Oh, oh my goodness! How did I get here? HELLO!?! How did I get here!?! Somebody help me, please!

(Morty looks back where the Worf Lady was and sees that she is not there)

TV Host: Ha ha ha ha, right!

Morty: Whoa! Look! It's that lady with all that shit on her face like Worf from Star Trek! That was getting coffee! How did she get there!

Rick: Oh, man Morty. How DID she get there?

TV Host: How DID she get there? He he (winks at the camera)

Beth: Is that something we should be concerned about?

Rick: Just stay away from the coffee machine.

TV: Calling all Jan-Michael Vincent's, calling all Jan-Michael Vincent's!

Announcer: In a world, where there are eight Jan-Michael Vincent's.

Intercom (TV): We need one Jan-Michael Vincent to quadrant C. Two Jan-Michael Vincent's to quadrant E.

Announcer: And sixteen quadrants. There's only enough time for a Jan-Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant. He can't be in two quadrants at once.

Morty: Rick, who-who is Jan-Michael Vincent?

Rick: Oh man, I'm trying to remember Morty.

Announcer: Jan-Michael Vincent's are used up.

(On TV) Radio Control Guy: I need a goddamn Jan-Michael Vincent!

Morty: Is it important that we know who Jan-Michael Vincent is in order to get this?

Rick: Nope.

Alien-Robo Judge: I refuse to sign the legislation that allows more than eight Jan-Michael Vincent's to a precinct.

Announcer: This January, It's time to Mike down your Vincent's. Jan Quadrant Vincent 16.

Rick and Morty: Whoa!

Rick: That's Jan-Michaels.

Morty: Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature? Because I think I have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.

Rick: All right, Morty you've done it!

(Back to Jerry in the operating room from the view of a woman giving birth)

Alien Doctor: So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base by making incisions here,here, and here. (The Alien Doctor draws on Jerry with a red marker)

Jerry: Got it.

Alien Doctor: Leaving a partial length of severed urethra to be threaded through-

Jerry: (Laughs nervously) Oh, you know what, I gotta laugh at myself here! I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife.

Alien Doctor: Oh, do you think she'll be okay with this?

Jerry: Oh, absolutely. Beth is automatically on board, always, with every decision I make.

(Back to the TV)

Stealy: Hey, I'm Stealy. Follow me on my adventure through this office. Alright, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. (He walks into another room and just starts taking things)

Business Man: Excuse me. Can I help you?

Stealy: Starting with common office objects.

Business Man: Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff!

Stealy: Such as staplers and pins and all sorts of things like-such as that.

Business Man: That's it. I'm calling security.

(Stealy chloroforms the man, then takes his body with him)

Stealy: All right, okay, we're in the quiet safe room where none of the people whose stuff I stole can get to us. Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of Bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's six and a half brapples. We got, uh, a-crushed party cups. Fifteen and a half brapples.

(The show plays a "winner" dinging sound effect) (The TV transitions to a stand up comedy show.)

Comedian: Welcome back to "funny songs". It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience.

A man in the audience: Um, longtime fan of the show. Uh-

Comedian: What do you do? What is your profession?

A man in the audience: I'm a tax attorney.

Comedian: Okay, here we go. Hit-hit the music. (Bad singing): I'm a tax attorney oh, geez, oh forget about everybody else, forget about Budda, forget about Muhammad forget about all those religions! Ba da ba ba da ba bop! The end.

A man in the audience: Oh man. Oh, that was so-so funny. Thank you.

Comedian: You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here.

A man in the audience: What?

Comedian: Get the orthodontist out of here.

A man in the audience: No! Why?!?

(The security guards start beating him up)

Comedian: Take him out of the audience. Kill him. Sic him. (A dog runs in and attacks) Demons, suck his life out. I don't give a shit.

Alien Doctor: Smith family?

Beth: Yes?

Alien Doctor:I wanted to let you all know that Jerry is doing just fine.

All: Yeah, whoo, awesome, called it, that's good news!

Alien Doctor: But, ah, Mrs. Smith, could you come with me?

(Transition to Jerry's hospital room)

Jerry: Hi, honey, so, here's the thing-these guys-they want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart, and we just need you to sign off on it.

Beth: WHAT!?!

Jerry: Uh-oh, maybe we have a problem here after all guys. Yikes.

Alien Doctor: His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic, now there's a wide range of options to chose from, they're all in this catalog.

Beth: I don't care about prosthetics, this is insane! What do you people think you're doing?

Alien Doctor: I understand your feelings, Mrs. Smith.

Beth: Oh, I don't think you do. I bring my husband in for emergency medical treatment, he's gone an hour, and now you want his PENIS, and you hand me some... catalog. It's--It's--It's--It's, I mean.

(She looks at the catalog and gets less and less angry about the idea)

Jerry: Sheesh, well, there you go. Sorry. I know it's hard to understand but on Earth, love comes first.

Alien Doctor: There are those that believe, Mr. Smith, that Shrimply Pibbles represents love between all life. That his fate will determine the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life forms.

Beth: Woah! Woah. So, billions of life forms?

Alien Doctor: Hundreds of billions.

Beth: I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation.

Jerry: Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her LOVER INTACT.

Beth: Well I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, I think this whole paradigm has sexist overtones.

Jerry: Beth, can we talk about this privately?

Beth: You know, I think, the bottom line is, Jerry, if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud, "I prefer to keep my penis."

Jerry: But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that if the universe needed his penis!?!

Beth: Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in your way?

(She looks at the catalog again, definitely with future plans in mind.)

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