Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

This article is a transcript of the Rick and Morty episode Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate from Season 2.

Transcript

Rick: Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.You hear me Jerry? You're gonna be fine!

(Jerry pukes.)

Morty: Woahh!

Rick: ooo... Watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.

Beth: Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

Rick: I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically the second freezer drawer is mine.

Beth: Not anymore.

Rick: You're overreacting!

Alien Nurse: We're losing him.

Rick: Alright fine, but you're not touching my CRISPR.

Summer: Is he going to die?

Alien Nurse: Don't worry. Dr. Glipglop is the best in the galaxy

Dr. Glipglop: Hello, I'm Dr. Glipglop.

(Jerry pukes a projectile of bile directly at Dr. Glipglop. Dr. Glipglop breaks out into a murderous rage. Rick then disintegrates Dr. Glipglop )

Rick: What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the gal(Belch)axy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world. What- Do you think they have pizza contests? Have you ever been to a pizza contest?

Beth: Go in the waiting room, Dad.

Rick: Fine! (Transition to the waiting room) Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for- Just kidding, I don't care. Well this won't do.(Rick walks up to a TV and smashes the cable box)

Alien Nurse: Hey! What are you doing!?!

Rick: A sequel.

Alien Nurse: I don't understand.

Rick: Yeah me neither, we pretty much nailed it the first time. (On the TV: Inter-dimensional Cable II)

(Intro)

(Rick begins to flip through channels while Morty and Summer look very worried)

Randy Dicknose: Man vs. Car. The newest hit show where it pits a man vs. a car. Tonight's episode Jenkins fights... a regular old car. Here we go. He's pushin' his way through, he's trying to fight that car. The car seems to have the upper hand- Oh, he just got some push-back there.

(The car runs over the man and the tires rip him apart)

Randy Dicknose: Oh, he just got ran over and chewed up by the tires. I guess that's another one for the car. Ha ha ha ha ha... I mean, wouldn't the cars always win...?

(Channel changes)

Alien Man: Samantha, I need to know that you understand that I have a couple of eye-holes. (The Alien tears off some skin flaps and reveals some eye-holes)

Samantha: I do, I do understand about your eye-holes! Here, look at my eye-holes! (She tears off her skin flap to reveal many more eye-holes)

Alien Man: Oh, my goodness you have eight eye-holes! (Their eye-holes make contact and start to "kiss") Oh, I'm looking through your eye-holes!

Samantha: Yes, look through my eye-holes!

(The Eye-hole man hovers above the home in a helicopter, then uses a rope to drop into the house)

Eye-hole Man: I'm the Eye-hole Man! I'm the only one whose allowed... to have eye-holes! (He kicks the eye-holes out of the aliens' heads) Get on up outta here with my eye-holes!

Announcer: Eye-holes! Get them today! IKEA.

Rick: You gotta be careful Morty, if that guy catches you with a box of his eye-holes he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit outta you. But it's worth the risk, they melt in your mouth Morty! They're delicious.

Beth: I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal, we're worried about Jerry.

Rick: Well you're thirty-nine years too late, or however old he is. Is he fifty? Jesus, Christ, Beth is, is Jerry fifity!?

(Transition to Jerry who is just waking up in his hospital bed)

Jerry: Where am I?

Alien Doctor: Relax Mr. Smith, you're in an alien hospital. I mean to you it's an alien hospital, to me you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.

Jerry Ok?

Alien 1: An hour ago Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life!

Jerry: My God!

Alien 1: Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibble's life can be saved if we replace his heart with your human penis.

Jerry: I see-WAIT! What?

Alien Doctor: It's perfect! The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call "your balls". With relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be molded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe!

Jerry: Yeah, but, I mean-

Alien 2: Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time!

Alien 1: Have respect Yarp, the earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Klorgon or the tragic events of 6-5.3-4-3-2.2-3-14

Old Alien: And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small, it's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties, where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out "hey look at me! I'm Mr. so and so dick." "I've got such and such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.

Jerry: Alright! That's enough. You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide, we do it sometimes!

Alien 1: Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles may live?

Alien 2: Stop asking!

Jerry: Yes I will! That's right, assholes, take my penis, TAKE IT ALL! And tell Shrimply Pimples that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

(Back to the waiting room where Rick is laughing while everyone else is stressed)

Rick: Hey, what's wrong Morty? Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh?

Morty: Huh? Uh, no no no, I'm-I'm just looking at that lady getting coffee. What's up with her face? Is she a human or is she like Worf. You know Worf, from Star Trek, how he has the shit all over his face but he's just a human in a costume, you know?

Rick: Morty let's-let's see what else is on.

Morty: Okay.

TV Host: And now we're back to "How Did I Get Here?" The only show that makes you ask "How Did I Get Here?" (Weird laughing from him) Here's our first person!

(It's the Worf lady stuck on top of a light post)

Worf Lady: Oh, oh my goodness! How did I get here? HELLO!?! How did I get here!?! Somebody help me, please!

(Morty looks back where the Worf Lady was and sees that she is not there)

TV Host: Ha ha ha ha, right!

Morty: Whoa! Look! It's that lady with all that shit on her face like Worf from Star Trek! Tha-That was getting coffee! How did she get there!

Rick: Oh, man Morty. How DID she get there?

TV Host: How DID she get there? He he (winks at the camera)

Beth: Is that something we should be concerned about?

Rick: Just stay away from the coffee machine.

TV: Calling all Jan-Michael Vincent's, calling all Jan-Michael Vincent's!

Announcer: In a world, where there's eight Jan-Michael Vincents.

Intercom (TV): We need one Jan-Michael Vincent to quadrant C. Two Jan-Michael Vincents to quadrant E.

Announcer: And sixteen quadrants. There's only enough time for a Jan-Michael Vincent to make it to a quadrant. He can't be in two quadrants at once.

Morty: Rick, who-who is Jan-Michael Vincent?

Rick: Oh man, I'm trying to remember Morty.

Announcer: Jan-Michael Vincents are used up.

(On TV) Radio Control Guy: I need a goddamn Jan-Michael Vincent!

Morty: Is it important that we know who Jan-Michael Vincent is in order to get this?

Rick: Nope.

Alien-Robo Judge: I refuse to sign the legislation that allows more than eight Jan-Michael Vincents to a precinct.

Announcer: This JANuary, It's time to MIKE down your Vincent's. Jan Quadrant Vincent 16.

Rick and Morty: Whoa!

Rick: That's Jan-Michaels.

Morty: Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature? Because I think I have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.

Rick: All right, Morty you've done it!

(Back to Jerry in the operating room from the view of a woman giving birth)

Alien Doctor: So, we'll be detaching your sexual organ at the base by making incisions here,here, and here. (The Alien Doctor draws on Jerry with a red marker)

Jerry: Got it.

Alien Doctor: Leaving a partial length of severed urethra to be threaded through-

Jerry: (Laughs nervously) Oh, you know what, I gotta laugh at myself here! I'm having a little laugh at myself because I just realized I haven't run this whole decision past my wife.

Alien Doctor: Oh, do you think she'll be okay with this?

Jerry: Oh, absolutely. Beth is automatically on board, always, with every decision I make.

(Back to the TV)

Stealy: Hey, I'm Stealy. Follow me on my adventure through this office. Alright, here we go. We're gonna just steal a couple of things. (He walks into another room and just starts taking things)

Business Man: Excuse me. Can I help you?

Stealy: Starting with common office objects.

Business Man: Hey, hey, hey! That's my stuff!

Stealy: Such as staplers and pins and all sorts of things like-such as that.

Business Man: That's it. I'm calling security.

(Stealy chloroforms the man, then takes his body with him, transition to Stealy walking through the streets, transition to Stealy in his safe room full of items)

Stealy: All right, okay, we're in the quiet safe room where none of the people whose stuff I stole can get to us. Now, let's look at all the stuff we got. We got a bag of Bobbish. That's eight brapples. We got a plumbus. That's six and a half brapples. We got, uh, a-crushed party cups. Fifteen and a half brapples.

(The show plays a "winner" dinging sound effect) (The TV transitions to a stand up comedy show.)

Comedian: Welcome back to "funny songs". It's all improvised. It's very funny. I need a volunteer from the audience.

A man in the audience: Um, longtime fan of the show. Uh-

Comedian: What do you do? What is your profession?

A man in the audience: I am a tax attorney.

Comedian: Okay, here we go. Hit-hit the music. (Bad singing): I'm a tax attorney oh, geez, oh forget about everybody else, forget about Jesus Christ, forget about Muhammed, forget about.... all those religions! Ba da ba ba da ba bop! The end.

A man in the audience: Oh man. Oh, that was so-so funny. Thank you.

Comedian: You're welcome. Hey, um, security guards, take him out. Get him out of here.

A man in the audience: What?

Comedian: Get the orthodontist out of here.

A man in the audience: No! Why?!?

(The security guards start beating him up)

Comedian: Take him out of the audience. Kill him. Sick him. (A dog runs in and attacks) Demons, suck his life out. I don't give a shit.

Alien Doctor: Smith family?

Beth: Yes?

Alien Doctor:I wanted to let you all know that Jerry is doing just fine.

All: Yeah, whoo, awesome, called it, that's good news!

Alien Doctor: But, ah, Mrs. Smith, could you come with me?

(Transition to Jerry's hospital room)

Jerry: Hi, honey, so, here's the thing-these guys-they want to completely remove my penis and use it as an alien's heart, and we just need you to sign off on it.

Beth: WHAT!?!

Jerry: Uh-oh, maybe we have a problem here after all guys. Yikes.

Alien Doctor: His penis will be replaced with a sophisticated prosthetic, now there's a wide range of options to chose from, they're all in this catalog.

Beth: I don't care about prosthetics, this is insane! What do you people think you're doing?

Alien Doctor: I understand your feelings, Mrs. Smith.

Beth: Oh, I don't think you do. I bring my husband in for emergency medical treatment, he's gone an hour, and now you want his PENIS, and you hand me some... catalog. It's--It's--It's--It's, I mean.

(She looks at the catalog and gets less and less angry about the idea)

Jerry: Sheesh, well, there you go. Sorry. I know it's hard to understand, but on Earth, love comes first.

Alien Doctor: There are those that believe, Mr. Smith, that Shrimply Pibbles represents love between all life. His fate will determine the fate of hundreds of billions of sentient life forms.

Beth: Woah! Woah. So, billions of life forms?

Alien Doctor: Hundreds of billions.

Beth: I mean, Jerry, y-you didn't explain the full gravity of the situation.

Jerry: Uh, well, Beth, I don't think your decision should be based on politics. Who could argue with a wife's decision to keep her LOVER INTACT.

Beth: Well I don't think that's fair at all, Jerry. At all. In fact, I think this whole paradigm has sexist overtones.

Jerry: Beth, can we talk about this privately?

Beth: You know, I think, the bottom line is, Jerry, if you want to keep your penis, you should say, out loud, "I prefer to keep my penis."

Jerry: (louder): But, Beth, what kind of man would say something like that if the universe needed his penis!?!

Beth: Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in your way?

(She looks at the catalog again, definitely with future plans in mind.)

(Transition to the waiting room, a commercial plays)

Restaurant chef: Hey, listen, is your mouth tiny and small? Then why don't you come down to 'Little Bits?'

Background whisper: LIttle Bits!

Resturant chef (improvised): Where the food is tiny...it looks like regular food. But really tiny. You put it in your mouth and eat it. Nothing gets stuck in your lips. It's just tiny and tiny and fits (laughter) fits right in!

Background whisper: Little Bits!

Restaurant chef: (improvised) We got....tiny uh-lasagna. tiny pizza, tiny pie. Mmh! Little tiny...fried eggs! (surprised) Oh, shit! We got tiny people!

Background whisper: Little Bits!

Restaurant chef (improvised):You hungry? Come on down!

Background whisper: Little Bits!

Restaurant chef: Eat some fucking shit, you fucking stupid bitch! (laughter) Just kidding.

(Transition to Jerry and the alien doctor. Alien doctor leads Jerrry into a secluded room with a desk and a computer)

Alien doctor: You got some time to kill befpre the procedure, so I assume you'd like to uh....use your penis one last time. Here's my computer. It's got the alien internet on it. (He clicks and a window opens where tentacles tickle an alien hole of some sorts) There's some...porn. And there's an alien towel- I actually got that on another planet, so it is an alien towel to me! Good luck!

Jerry (disspirited): Thanks. (he watches the doctor leave with a hopeless expression, looks at the towel and sighs. He sits down, clicks the alien porn away and finds secluded information about Shrimply Pibbles.) What is this? (he takes a closer look) Hmm..Hey! Wait a minute!

Alien doctor (from outside): Oh, um...Mr. Smith!

Jerry (lying hastily while pulling down his pants): Yeah, just masturbating!

Alien doctor (enters): I forgot to mention, there are extensive medical records open on my desktop, but >I trust you to confine your activities to the purely pornographic.

Jerry (overly serious): Absolutely!

Alien doctor (whlile leaving) Good luck!

(The door closes and Jerry clicks back on the window with the secluded information)

Jerry (raises his eyebrow and can't believe his luck): My God! (laughs) Mr. Pibbles. (leans back and folds his arms behind his head) You just wrote my penis a one-way ticket to staying on my body town.

(Transition to the waiting room, a news show starts playing, a weird worm-like creature in a suit whose body fades out in the right screen holds a bunch of paper.)

Announcer: It's the Opposite news, with Michael Thompson!

Michael Thompson: Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson! Today, the pope...didn't..get killed! (His body gets a tug to the right and he looks irritated.) He's perfectly fine...and he's on vacation on Aruba.Uh. In other opposite news information-

Morty (confused and a little concerned): Hey, Rick ..what's the deal with this guy? Why is his body, like..sloping off to the right side of the screen like that?

Rick (indifferent): I dunno. Let's see what else is on, huh?

(Channel changes to a cooking show with a similar alien whose body disappears in the left side of the screen)

Pichael Thompson: Hey, welcome to 'cooking things'! I'm Pichael Thompson!

Morty: Hey, look, rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left!

Rick: Oh my God, and his name's Pichael!

Pichael Thomson: I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that.. (He gets irritated as he tugged and pulls Michael Thompson over to his side, their bodies are connected) Oh, hey! Stop tugging, Michael!

Morty (gets it): Oh my God, Siamese twins! They're siamese twins!

Michael Thompson: You wuit tugging! I'm in the middle of my news!

Pichael Thompson: Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it. Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He'S got his own news show, he' got a normal name..

Morty: Hey, flip back to the news!

Rick: Oh, yeah, yeah,yeah!

(Rick flips the channel back to the news, the news show is without hosts, you hear the brothers arguing)

Pichael Thomson: You can tell our parents started with naming him.It's like, oh, Michael. They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet.

Summer: I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot there shows at the same time?

Rick: Uh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save productions.

(The channels switch to the brothers again)

Pichael Thompson: And then they found out I was attached to him along for the ride and they said, 'Ah well, shit. Ah, just fuck it, call him Pichael!

Michael Thompson: Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit!

(Jingle. Summer looks scared, Morty looks creeped out, Rick looks indifferent.)

(Transition to an alien press conference, Alien 1 from the surgical room earlier is speaking, cameras click, Beth is searching the catalog, impressed, Jerry watches her angrily, Alien 2 watches Alien 1)

Alien 1: Good afternoon!I know all of you are wondering about the condition of our dear beloved Pibbles.

Beth (quietly to Jerry): Which would you prefer between the XP20 and the XP20XS?

Jerry (angrily): I prefer my own penis! And so should you! (they stare at each other madly before getting interrupted by Alien 1):

Alien 1: The brave earth man whose sacrifice is going to allow Shrimply Pibbles to live.Mr. Jerry Smith (cheering, Jerry walks over to the microphone)

Jerry: Hello, everyone! Let's hear it again for Shrimply Pibbles, huh. (more cheering, cut to the audience) He's a good guy, isn't he? (cut back to Jerry, he looks like he's got a plan) I've just been learning about his accomplishments, from his march on Flirk Blirk Square, to his ongoing battle with heroin dependancy, he's the best. (looks arrogant, but is startled as more cheering comes his way) Um...yeah..well...it occurs to me that his heroin addiction may not have been a matter of public record!

Male reporter alien 1: You realize heroin makes up to ten percent of the atmosphere on Shrimply Pibbles' home planet?

Female reporter alien: His planet got destroyed by Clorgon death squads, he can't live outside of it without breathing heroin.

Jerry (insecure): Right! I know that! I just think...(breathes deeply to search for an answer)

Male reporter alien 2: This guy's trying to get out of giving away his penis! (crowd starts to boo and jeer)

(Transition to the waiting room, a documentary starts playing)

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