|This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Meeseeks and Destroy." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.|
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[Open Ext. Damaged space station, likely in another dimension]
[Trans. Int. Space station]
Jerry, Beth, and Summer: *incoherent zombie noises*
(The three clones tackle Rick, knocking a device from his hand. Morty stands by, unsure of what to do.)
Rick: Morty, do it! Hit the button now!
Morty: I can’t do it, Rick! They’re my parents and sister!
Rick: *holding off the clones* Morty, I already told you, it’s not your family! They’re clones from an alternate reality possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension’s future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button already!
(Beth’s clone leaves Rick and approaches Morty, panting viciously until she gets close, and she seemingly becomes her normal self again.)
Beth: Morty, please. I love you, sweetheart.
(Morty hesitates a second longer before darting past Beth. He glances up at the clones, then covers his eyes as he hits a button on the wall, creating an energy field that destroys the clones, whose faces seem to melt. Morty watches, horrified. As soon as they’re gone, Rick jumps to his feet and grabs the device that absorbed the spirits, apparently unbothered by the entire event.)
Rick: Good work, Morty.
(He creates a portal and jumps through.)
(Rick and Morty leap through the other end of the portal back to the Smith residence.)
Rick: *holding up the device and smiling* Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable!
(Screen pans out to show that Morty is vomiting in the corner. Rick glances at him and puts the box away.)
Rick: You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna.
Morty: I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were!
Rick: I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough.
Morty: Y-You know what, Rick? That’s it! I-I’m done with these…insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I’m out!
(Morty turns and starts to walk out of the garage.)
Rick: Whoa whoa whoa, *grabs Morty’s shoulder, stopping him* come on, Morty! D-D-Don’t be like that! The universe is a crazy and chaotic place!
Morty: *pushes Rick’s hands away* You’re the one that’s crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple! And fun!
Rick: Oh yeah, Morty. Yeah, t-t-that- that’s real easy to say from the sidekick position. But—But, uh, h-how about next time you be in charge, then we’ll talk about how simple and fun it is.
Morty: *suddenly excited* Seriously Rick?! Y-You’ll let me call the shots?
Rick: Okay, fine. But let’s make it interesting, Morty. I-I-If your adventure sucks, and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.
Morty: Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good... I get to be in charge of every third adventure!
Rick: Every 10th.
Morty: Deal. All right. Well, come on, let's get going.
Beth: Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.
Rick: Washing dishes?
Beth: No. The opposite. Can you fix it?
Summer: Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework?
Rick: Yeah just don't do it.
Jerry: Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar?
Rick: Wow. Hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family.
Morty: Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
Rick: Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs... This is a Meeseeks box. Let me show you how it works. You press this.
Meeseeks: I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
Rick: You make a request. Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.
Meeseeks: Yes, siree!
(Meeseeks grabs mayonnaise jar as rick explains.)
Rick: The Meeseeks fulfills the request.
(Meeseeks opens jar and hands to jerry.)
Meeseeks: All done!
Jerry: [amazed] Wow!
Rick: And then it stops existing.
(Meeseek vanishes into particles in air.)
Summer: Oh, my God, he exploded!
Rick: Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out just keep your requests simple. They're not gods.
Morty: All right! Get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win!
(Beth, Jerry and Summer in the livingroom)
Beth: So many possibilities.
Summer: My mind is racing.
Jerry: If we're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simple.
(Summer spawns a meeseek)
Meeseeks: I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
Summer: I want to be popular at school!
Meeseeks: Ooh, okay!
Jerry: Summer, what did I just-
(Beth spawns a meeseek)
Meeseeks 2: Ooh, I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
Beth: I want I want to be a more complete woman!
Meeseeks 2: Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am!
Jerry: You guys are doing it wrong. He said "simple."
(Jerry spawns a meeseeks)
Meeseeks 3: Hey, there. I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
Jerry: Mr. Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game.
Meeseeks 3: Ooh, yeah! Can do!
Jerry: Nailed it.
(Cut to Rick and Morty in a poor village somewhere in the universe. It looks like a place from the 1700's)
Rick: God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. Why didn't we just go to Kentucky?
Morty: Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things. We're going on a quest, okay?
Rick: Can't wait.
(Morty stands on something tall to speak to the people)
Morty: Ahem. Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure!
Rick: Oh, my God, so embarrassing.
Villager (man): At last! Two heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!
Morty: You know what? I accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir. Come on, Rick. There's a giant in the clouds!
Rick: Yeah. Beginner's luck.
(Cut to Meeseeks 1 speaking to the students of Summer's school in the gym)
Meeseeks 1: In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you!
Principal Gene V.: Uh, Mr. Meeseeks, was it? Yeah. Gene Vagina. Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering- (Meeseeks 1 stops existing)- No, I'll get your info from Summer.
(Cut to Beth and Meeseeks 2 at a restaurant sitting outside)
Beth: I got pregnant at 17. I mean, I still put myself through veterinary school. Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't...-(Meeseeks 2 stares attentively)- I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from muskegon.
Meeseeks 2: She's still there, Beth.
Beth: Well, her waistline isn't.
Meeseeks 2: Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual. You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free.
Beth: You're saying I should leave Jerry. (Beth starts to cry) I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.
(Meeseeks 2 stops existing as Beth leans in to kiss him)
Waiter (man): More wine?
Beth: I think I've had enough.
(Cut to Jerry at a golf course with Meeseeks 3)
Meeseeks 3: Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah, yeah. I got it.
(Jerry misses the ball completely)
Meeseeks 3: That's okay. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.
Jerry: Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down?
Meeseeks 3: Well, it's both. But most importantly, you got to relax.
Jerry: You know what, Mr. Meeseeks? I don't think this is working. I give up.
Meeseeks 3 (nervous): I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away. Look at me.
Jerry: Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.
Meeseeks 3: No, Jerry, I'm the one who SUCKS! Let me try something.
(Meeseeks 3 spawns in another Meeseek)
Meeseeks 4: I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
Meeseeks 3: Hi, Mr. Meeseeks! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me.
Meeseeks 4: Hi!
Meeseeks 3: Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing?
Meeseeks 4: Can do! I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared?
Meeseeks 3: Ooh, he's trying!
(Cut to Rick and Morty on a table in a giant building)
Rick: All right, Morty. We're in your stupid giant's castle. What do we do next?
Morty: Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple. You know, I'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.
(A giant can be heard walking down the hall)
Rick (sarcastic): Uh-oh, Morty. Startin' to get a little hairy. What do you want to do, boss?
Morty: Come on, hurry. Behind this cookie jar.
Giant: Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!
Rick: Just give up, Morty. This is game over. I'll take us home right now. You just say the word.
Morty: No way, Rick. This is all part of it. Adventures have conflict. Deal with it.
Giant: I smell the blood of- whoop!(the giant falls and cracks his head open on the table corner before hitting the ground)
Morty: Holy crap.
Rick: Oh, boy. He looks pretty bad down there, Morty. Looks like he's bleeding out.
(A giant woman walks in holding a baby)
Giant woman: Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man. Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying!
(Cut to Rick and Morty at a giant jail and getting mug shots)
Detective: Hey, look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?"
Morty: Th-th but that's not how it went down!
Detective: Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're both going down like that.
Rick: Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straightforward and fun.
(Cut to the Smith dinning room and living room where Jerry is still frustrated, while Summer and Beth look much happier)
Summer: Like, letting go of the need to be popular is what makes people like you.
Beth: The most important love you can receive is from yourself.
(Several meeseeks now fill the livingroom, trying to help)
Meeseek: Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club!
Jerry: Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?!
Meeseek: Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this. You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you.
Jerry: Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me!
Meeseek: Just try to relax.
Jerry: You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox! (Jerry walks to the dinning room) Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful. I can't imagine what you two must be going through.
Beth: Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry.
Jerry: You're kidding me.
Beth: Notice anything different?
Jerry: I'm sorry. Hours?
Summer: Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You will lose her!
Meeseek: Uhh... Hey, Jerry, you mind if we get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long. It's getting weird.
(Cut to Rick and Morty in a giant courthouse)
Judge: Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both very guilty.
Rick (sarcastic): Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that.
Morty: We're gonna be okay, Rick.
Rick: How? They took my portal gun. This is an open-and-shut case, Morty. You know, what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then-(the court doors burst open and a giant in a suit walks down the isle.)
Giant Lawyer: Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home.
(Murmers of confusion spread throughout the court)
Rick: W-what the hell is he talking about?
Giant Lawyer: They're free to go, is what I meant. I'm deconstructing our our our thing we say. We're giants. Nobody got that? Whatever.
Morty: Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it!
(Rick and Morty appear outside the courthouse)
Rick: All right, Morty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home?
Morty: Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, we're gonna go find some treasure or something and and we're gonna bring it to those villagers.
Rick: Morty, cut your losses. This is obviously awash.
Morty: Yeah, you were saying that back when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps.
(They look down the stairs and see that each step is as tall as a large building. The stairs seem to go on forever)
Rick: Oh, boy, Morty.
Morty: Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure.
Rick: What do you say, Morty?
Morty: I say give me a hand, sidekick.
(Cut to the Smith livingroom. Dozens of meeseeks fill the room whinning, groaning and desperatly trying to help Jerry.)
NOTE: to make this easier an * will be put next to meeseek everytime a different meeseeks talks.
Jerry: Everybody shut up! Let me try! (Jerry swings and misses again) Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Beth: I'm going out.
Jerry: Wait. What?
Beth: Well, you're busy. I'm hungry. I thought I'd go out. Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison?
Jerry: Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is, I'll take you to dinner.
All the Meeseeks: AWWWWWWW!
Jerry: Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too. I'll be right there. Look, I've got a marriage to keep together. At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.
(Exit Beth and Jerry)
Meeseek: I can't take it anymore. I just want to die!
Meeseek *: We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this?
Meeseek *: 'Cause he roped me into this!
Meeseek *: Well, him over there, he roped me into this!
Meeseek *:Well, he roped me into this!
Meeseek *: Well, what about me? He roped me into this.
Meeseek *: Well, that one over there roped me into this.
Meeseek *: Well, he roped me into this.
(Cut to Rick and Morty climbing down a step like it's a mountian)
Rick: Yeah, Morty, this is the part of the story everybody loves scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
Morty: All right, okay, you know, if this was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid. (They see an opening in one of the steps) Hey, Rick, what do you know? Look down there. Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side of the step.
(Rick and Morty appear in the tavern)
Morty: Oh, wow, Rick. Now, this is more like it. Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here. All kinds of crazy characters. This place is great, you know? It's whimsical and fun.
(Rick sees a creature staring at him)
Rick: What are you looking at, motherfucker?
Morty: Easy, Rick.
(A strange looking waitress with large boobs greets them at their table)
Waitress: Pay them no mind. Those stair goblins can be moody. Now, what can I getcha? We've got skarlog poppies, flurlow, halzingers, bloogies, juicy time babies.
Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Or just a bunch of nonsense words?
Morty: Rick... We'll have two bloogies, please. And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs?
Slippery: Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is slippely-slippery stair. I'll take you down there for 25 shmeckels.
Rick: 25 shmeckels? I don't know how much I don't know what that is. Is that a lot? Is it a little?
Waitress: That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.
Mr. Booby Buyer: Hi, I'm Mr. Booby Buyer. I'll buy those boobies for 25 shmeckels.
Waitess: It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.
Mr. Booby Buyer: Rats! What a shame.
Rick: Morty, your adventure's in a spiral. For real, man, time to pull out.
Morty: You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! You know why?
Rick: Uh, because it's lame?
Morty: It's because you're petty! You know, how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick. Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here!
(Cut to the Smith livingroom with all the Meeseeks)
Meeseek: It's become clear-look at me- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's follow-through, we will solve this problem. I'm Mr. Meeseeks.
Meeseeks *: I'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me. The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution.
Meeseeks 3: Look at me. I'm Mr. Meeseeks. I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked. I fear the worst.
Meeseeks: Your failures are your own, old man. I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me. I say follow-through! Who's with me?! Follow-through!
(A Meeseek spawns in another Meeseek)
New Meeseek: I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
Meeseek: Kill him!
New Meeseek: Hisssss! (He attacks another meeseek)
(Cut to Morty in the bathroom)
Mr. Jelly Bean: How are you today? I'm Mr. Jelly Bean!
Morty: Hi, Mr. Jelly Bean. I'm Morty. My grandpa and I are on an adventure.
Mr. Jelly Bean: Nice. Is it a fun adventure?
Morty: I hope so. But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.
Mr. Jelly Bean: Well, isn't that what adventures do?
Morty: Hey, you know what? You're right. Everything's going fine. I just got to relax and go with the flow.
Mr. Jelly Bean: Yeah. (He rubs Morty's sholders)
Morty: Okay. Uh. B-bye.
Mr. Jelly Bean: Uhh, no, stay. Go with the flow!
Morty: Stop. You're making me really uncomfortable.
(Mr. Jelly Bean clearly wants to rape Morty)
Mr. Jelly Bean (aggresive): Stop fighting me! Just let this happen!
Morty: Get off of me!
(cut to Rick singing karaoke)
Rick: ♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪
(back to Morty, the fighting makes it to a stall)
Morty: Whoo! No! Stop! Please!
Mr. Jelly Bean: Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat!
Morty: No! No!
(Morty gets the upper hand and, in a frenzied attack, slams the toilet seat on Mr. Jelly Bean's head until he is knocked out)
(Back at the Smith house even more Meeseeks have spawned and a full out battle has started. However, even the badly hurt Meeseeks cannot die because the have not completed their task)
Meeseek: Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood. None of us can die until our job is done.
Meeseek *: The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game!
Meeseek: No, we won't. But we will get all strokes off his game.
All other Meeseeks: Where's he going with this? What's he mean?
Meeseek: When we kill him!
(Loud hooting and joy from the meeseeks crowd)
(Cut to Jerry and Beth at dinner)
Beth: Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about.
Jerry: Where would you go?
Beth: I don't know, man. Italy. Greece. Argentina.
Jerry: Countries known for their sexually aggressive men. Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut?
(A loud noise is heard and the glass window breaks with a hoard of Meeseeks angrily storming in)
Jerry: What the heck?
Meeseek: There he is!
Beth: Run, Jerry!
(Beth and Jerry lock themselves in a freezer with a small window in the door)
Meeseek: Come on out, Jerry!
Jerry: Guys, I'll choke up. I'll follow through. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay?
Meeseek: Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.
(Cut to Rick at a card table with some other characters)
Card Player: Come on, Rick, quit stalling. What do ya got?
Rick: Read 'em and weep, fellas! (Morty comes back) Oh, hey, Morty. Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure. I'm havin' a good time, Morty. It's not so bad.
Morty (very stressed): Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it. The adventure's over.
Rick: We can't leave now, Morty. I'm on fire!
Morty: Look, I want to leave now. You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please. Please, I just want to go home.
(Rick sees the badly beaten Mr. Jelly Bean walk out of the bathroom and pieces together what happened)
Rick: Okay. Listen, Morty. I just won a bunch of shmeckels. Why don't we use 25 of them to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest of the shmeckels to the villagers, huh?
Rick: Sure, Morty. Yeah. You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.
(Outside on the steps)
Slippery: Buckle up! (He starts to take them down)
(Cut back to the freezer)
Meeseek (presumably 3): Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry. And we will do anything to alleviate that pain. Just ask... (Meeseek grabs a woman) Aah! ...what's your name, ma'am?
Woman: Samantha. Please, mister! Give him what he wants!
Jerry: Innocent people are going to die because of me. Why am I so mediocre?
(Beth takes a stand, tears a pipe off of a rack, and grabs Jerry off the ground)
Beth: Jerry, turn around. Straighten your back. Bend your knees. Bend them. Square your shoulders. Take a deep breath. I love you.
Meeseek (presumably 3): I'm counting to three, Jerry.
(Jerry, using the pipe, hits a garlic clove into a pot)
Samantha: What the fuck is going on?
All Meeseeks: He's got it! That's a lower handicap stro-o-ke!
(All the Meeseeks stop existing except 1)
Meeseeks: Excuse me. I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks. What about your short game?
Samantha: Oh, my God, oh, my God! What about your short game?!
(Jerry puts some more garlic into a cup)
Meeseek: Ooh, nice! (Stops existing)
Jerry: I think we'll take our food to go.
Owner: No, you won't. The police are coming. You have so many questions to answer.
Jerry: Fair enough.
(Rick and Morty return to the village in triumph)
The First Villager: Thank you, kind sir. Our village is saved! You are both true heroes!
Rick: Good job, Morty. Looks like you won the bet.
Morty: Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should. You know, you were right about the universe. It's a crazy and chaotic place.
Rick: Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know. This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Morty style.
The First Villager: Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved king so that he may thank you personally.
(The badly beaten Mr. Jelly Bean is carried to towards them on a thrown)
Morty: Uh, no, I-it's cool. Rick. Portal. Hurry.
(They portal away, but Rick makes another portal back and sticks an energy pistol through it and shoots Mr. Jelly Bean, splattering him all over the screaming villagers)
(Back at the Smith house)
Jerry: So... You still thinking about taking that trip?
Beth: Jerry, look. We don't have a perfect marriage, but I'm not going anywhere. When we were in that freezer, I realized the Meeseeks are like the guys I went to high school with willing to say anything to "complete their task."
Jerry: Was I one of those guys?
Beth: The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards.
Jerry: Well... I got you pregnant.
Rick: What the hell happened to this place?
Beth: Uh, your Meeseeks box happened. They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game. He felt terrible.
Rick: Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot.
Beth: Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up?
Rick: Well, you know, I do have a Fleeseeks box.
Jerry: No. No more boxes.
Rick: What? It just has a mop and some floor wax in it. Wubba lubba dub dubs! (Everyone laughs) Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name Arsenio. Isn't that it's what Arsenio used to say on his show. Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody.
(After the end credits at the village)
Beth: I don't get it.
Villager 1: Sir, I think you're going to want to see this. We found it inside a lockbox inside king Jelly Bean's closet. (A box of pictures of many young boys Mr. Jelly Bean molested) We have to tell the people.
Villager 2: Wait. Destroy it. (They set the box on fire) Our people will get more from the idea he represented... than from the jelly bean he actually was.
(They stare at a statue of Mr. Jelly Bean standing next to a young boy with his hand on his sholder)