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This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Mortyplicity." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
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Transcript[]
[The Smith family is eating breakfast together; Rick and Morty are eating quickly. Beth sets down a plate of eggs in the center of the table.]
Beth: You two are hungry.
Rick: Big day.
Morty: We're gonna kill God.
Jerry: Come again?
Rick: Christian God is real, he's been asleep for thousands of years. We're gonna sneak up there and kill him.
Morty: Mob style.
Rick: Whack his ass.
Summer: Can I kill God?
Rick: [at the same time as Morty] Fuck off, Summer.
Morty: [at the same time as Rick] Pfft, as if!
Jerry: Beth, do you hear this?
Beth: Sweetie, don't get all worked up before your job interview.
Rick: Job interview?
Jerry: Yes, is that so hard to believe?
Rick: Actually, yeah. Something's off.
[The Smith's window explodes and a squid alien drops through the ceiling, holding a gun and shooting Rick in the head, killing him.]
Beth: No!
[The squid turns around and shoots her. Summer screams and tries to run, and the squid shoots her as well.]
Morty: Shit!
[He and Jerry are shot from behind by two more squids. The three shooters stand over the dead Smiths, before the scene cuts to a small yellow man in a striped onesie with a bullseye on the front running around the house while the Smiths chase him and Summer shoots at him.]
Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted: Hunt me, hunt me, somebody hunt me!
Rick: Don't hunt him to completion!
Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted: Hunt me! [He continues to shout in the background as he jumps on the dining table.]
[Rick's watch beeps and he looks at it.]
Rick: Oh. Shit. Everyone start packing, no time to explain.
Jerry: Rick?
Beth: Dad? What's wrong?
Rick: Someone just killed a decoy family.
Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted: I'm Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted!
Rick: Yes, and how interesting did you think that would stay?
[TITLE SEQUENCE]
[The Smiths are driving down the street.]
Morty: You made clones of us?
Rick: Decoys, Morty. Very different. [To Beth] Very different, sweetie.
Morty: Different h-ow! [Rick pinches him.]
Beth: Yeah, dad. Different h-ow?
Rick: Lotta people out there want a piece of this, sweetie. I'm cool, and it makes them feel bad. So, y'know, after that trouble with Space Beth, I made passable copies of the family and placed them around the country as a buffer zone to protect–
Jerry: But why does he always want to be hunted?
Beth: Jerry–
Morty: It's not important right now, dad!
Jerry: Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in a target suit.
Summer: So thankful this is my Saturday.
Jerry: Why was he in that cryopod?
Rick: The cryopod is what confuses you? Jerry, can't you see we've moved on to higher stakes?
Jerry: Well, I don't see any stakes at all.
[A spaceship drops down and melts the car with a laser beam. Two squid aliens descend from it and shoot the remains of the car. The scene cuts to the family by an Italian villa by a pool. Rick's watch beeps.]
Rick: Ah, shit!
[The Smiths are all packing in their room.]
Jerry: Guess we'll just be saying "ciao bella" to our deposit, then!
Rick: Shut up and pack, Jerry. Squids just killed a decoy family.
Beth: Decoy family?
Morty: Is this why you wanted to get out of town?
Rick: You think I'd lie to you about why we're on vacation, Morty? I wouldn't lie to you. [Morty glares at him.] Well, that's a lie. Huh.
Summer: So someone out there is trying to kill us?
Rick: Someone's always trying to kill us. That's what the decoys are for. They go on fun, self-contained terrestrial adventures, and–[a bomb smashes through the window] take bullets meant for us. Shit.
[The bomb explodes, vaporizing everyone except Jerry, who loses his bottom half and right arm.]
Jerry: Ahhh! No!
[A squid bursts through the window and shoots him in the head. Rick and Morty are on the couch when his watch beeps.]
Rick: Ah, shit. Decoy family.
[He takes out a remote and presses the button, activating the house's blast shields.]
Morty: I think dad was still outside. What's a decoy family?
Rick: Hard concept, Morty. Hard concept. I've never really cracked it, if I'm being honest. Decided it was maybe better as a kind of kinetic mislead for another special episode!
[He grabs the TV remote.]
Morty: Oh, cool!
TV: We now return to When Wolf.
[On the TV, a werewolf appears in front an ancient cave.]
Rick: Woah, a time traveling wolf? Count me in.
Morty: Yeah, I never thought of the "were" in "werewolf" like "who, what, when and where!" Clever wordplay!
[Dracula, in caveman attire, emerges from the cave.]
Dracula: When Wolf!
When Wolf: Dracula! You know why I'm here.
Dracula: I'm safe here, Ian! Christianity hasn't been invented yet, crosses are just baby t's to me now! I got out. Please, don't invite me back in.
Morty: Huh, kinda mucked it up with this Dracula stuff.
Rick: You're right. It shows a lack of faith in their core concept. I'd much rather watch When Wolf go to the 20's and invest in the stock market, but then eat people.
Morty: Yeah.
[The two are suddenly shot through the head by a laser beam. A squid ship flies above the house and drops a couple bombs, blowing it up. Suddenly, the Smiths, minus Jerry, are sitting around the table.]
Rick: Look, if you really want to know what happened to Beth's mom, it–[his watch beeps] whoop. Squid aliens just killed a decoy family.
Beth: Decoy family? You made more clones?
Rick: Clones are, like, thirty-two percent of all sci-fi, sweetie. You don't get to own clones. Yes, I made some decoys. They're exactly like us, with a few tweaks and a backdoor shutdown.
Beth: Do you just get hard creating sentient life?
Rick: Actually, I get hard protecting my family!
Summer: Ew.
Morty: Ugh, gross!
Beth: Yeah, now everyone gets killer doppelgängers. Cool deal.
Rick: The decoys are harmless, Beth.
Summer: Grandpa Rick, do the decoys know they're decoys?
Rick: They wouldn't be very good decoys if they did, Sum-sum.
Summer: So they think they're us?
Rick: That's the deal.
Summer: How do you know we're not decoys? [Rick stops eating and drops his fork.] Oh my god, we're decoys.
Rick: Oh, god! We might not be real! We might be decoys! Morty, quick!
Morty: What do I do?
Rick: My failsafe, Morty. My final, secret failsafe. It proves I'm real, you have to help me, I'd never joke about this. [He pulls his pants down and sticks his ass in Morty's face.] There's a barcode, Morty. A barcode on the interior of my left ass cheek.
Morty: What?
Rick: Morty, please, I'm begging you!
Morty: I'm not looking at your ass!
Rick: Please, Morty, is it there? God damn it! [He tears up.] Just tell me if I'm real!
Summer: Morty, do it!
[Morty leans in. Rick farts in face and laughs.]
Morty: Gross!
Beth: Dad!
Rick: Summer, you fucking idiot. We're not decoys.
Morty: Why did I get punished?
Rick: A, decoys don't build decoys, and B, you think the mere suggestion I'm fake would break me? Christ, I'm not your mom.
Beth: Fuck off.
[Rick's watch beeps again.]
Rick: Jeez, these guys really wanna kill me bad. Alright, here's the plan. We're gonna hide out with a decoy family, and when these squids show up, we jump their asses. Jerry! Come on! Family emergency!
[Jerry emerges from the kitchen, holding a tray of lemon squares and wearing oven mitts.]
Jerry: A bigger emergency than my lemon squares not setting? They're gluten free, sugar free, and lemon free!
[The entire family looks unimpressed. Rick's car lands outside another Smith house. Rick walks into the dining room, where another family is eating breakfast. The decoy Rick stands and pulls a gun.]
Decoy Rick: Think you got the wrong house, bro.
Rick: Analysis mode, password 8-0-0-8-5.
[The decoy family flickers blue and freezes in place. The real Smith family walks in.]
Beth: Kind of expected a funnier password.
Rick: I didn't plan on showing them off.
Morty: [examining his decoy] Damn, like Westworld!
Rick: Yes, Morty, like Westworld. But don't fuck them. [Summer starts going up the stairs.] Summer!
Summer: Whatever, creep. I'm gonna see how accurate you got my room.
Morty: Rick, when you say you made an exact replica of the house, did you mean like, you know, an exact replica?
Rick: I know about the Yosemite t-shirt, Morty.
Morty: Shit.
Rick: You know you can use tissues, right?
Morty: I can't finish without it.
[Beth takes a photo of the Smiths off the wall.]
Beth: So you do know what a happy family looks like.
Rick: I know what a fake one looks like.
[Morty calls Rick, in his lab under the garage.]
Morty: Uh, Rick?
Rick: [pokes his head into the lab] What?
Morty: Did you use this house to make decoys, too?
Rick: [descending the ladder] What? Morty, why the fuck would I do that? You think I'd go somewhere else to– [he sees what Morty is looking at—decoy making equipment, exoskeletons, and blueprints] okay, well, I am now less worried about the squids. [Rick runs up to the frozen decoy Rick.] Isolate head at normal processing. [The decoy's head unfreezes and Rick slaps him in the face.] What the fuck do you think you're doing down there? You're making decoys?
Decoy Rick: Wait, how do you—oh god, Summer was right.
[Rick presses a button on his watch, and the decoy overheats and shuts down.]
Rick: Everyone in the car.
[The family is flying in the car.]
Beth: You said decoys didn't make decoys.
Rick: And usually, they don't, but again, it's nothing to worry about, because decoys are harmless. [He pulls up a map of where the decoys are located.] Just have to, y'know, visit the rest and terminate the program.
Beth: Terminate? They're alive, dad!
Rick: And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you going to save every stray cat?
Beth: No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab.
Rick: Ugh. Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than Blade Runner.
Summer: I still think we're decoys.
Morty: You just want an excuse to stop trying.
Summer: Yeah, and?
Jerry: [pointing] Oooh, there's a handsome fellow!
Rick: Uh-oh.
[A decoy Jerry is outside, mowing the lawn. Rick lands next to him and takes out a gun.]
Beth: I thought you made them harmless.
Rick: I don't remember making this one. [He gets out of the car.]
Decoy Jerry: Oh, hi, Rick! Family...me...? Hey, when did you all leave?
Rick: Analysis mode, 8-0-0-8-5.
Decoy Jerry: Hmm?
Rick: Nothing, buddy. You gotta stop with all that coffee, it's making you loopy! Happy analysis mode! [The family heads inside.]
Decoy Jerry: Happy analysis mode to you, too!
[A Rick is inside, watching Mrs. Pancakes. He stands up.]
Decoy Rick: Think you got the wrong house, bro.
Rick: Analysis mode, password 8-0-0–
Decoy Rick: Shit, you think I'm a decoy?
Rick: How do you know about the decoys?
Decoy Rick: They were my idea!
Decoy Jerry: [from outside] Well, now I know you're pranking me.
Second Rick: Analysis mode, password 8 equals sign equals sign capital "d".
[The decoy family freezes.]
Rick: Hide.
Morty: What?
Rick: Hide!
[He shoves Morty into the closet under the stairs, grabs Beth, and shuts them all in. Summer crawls under the couch, and Jerry unsuccessfully tries to hide in the full refrigerator before hiding under the dining room table as the second Smith family enters the house.]
Second Morty: Wow, like Ex Machina!
Second Rick: Yes, Morty, like Ex Machina. But don't fuck them. Summer!
Second Summer: Whatever, weirdo. I'm gonna see how wrong you got my room.
Second Beth: So you do know what a loving family looks like.
Second Rick: A simulated one, yes.
Beth: Why are we hiding?
Rick: He thinks he's me, and I was about to start terminating decoys.
Beth: But we're not decoys!
Rick: Sure, tell him that.
Second Morty: Rick, did you make decoys here, too?
Second Rick: Morty, for what reason could I have for...what the–[he runs up to decoy Rick] isolate head at normal processing! [He punches decoy Rick in the face as his head unfreezes.] You dumb asshole, you made decoys?
Decoy Rick: Again, they were my idea. Wait, what happened to the other guy?
Second Rick: Other guy?
[Something rustles in another room, and the second Rick draws a gun.]
Decoy Rick: Wait, that means I'm a decoy. Fucking Summer.
Second Rick: Check the closets.
[He opens the closet to find Rick, Morty and Beth. Both Ricks draw their guns and fire at each other, missing.]
Second Rick: They've gone rogue!
Rick: Killer decoys!
Second Rick: Take out the decoys!
[The "original" Smiths run to the kitchen, while the second Smiths take shelter in the living room. The Ricks fire at each other.]
Decoy Rick: Shit! Someone put a gun in my teeth!
[Second Rick pushes a button on his watch and the decoy Rick deactivates.]
Second Beth: Stop shooting, dad! They're us, we don't have to fight them!
Second Rick: Classic prisoner's dilemma, Beth. I'm a cool guy, I, you know, I can talk it out. But that asshole–
Rick: Me? You decoy piece of shit. You're the one that shot first!
Beth: We can work this out, just stop trying to kill each other!
Second Rick: Sorry, decoy Beth, but this only ends one way, with one of us accepting we're a decoy.
Rick: And once he knows he's a decoy, he know he won't be safe until he's killed the real Rick, along with anyone who think he's him.
Second Rick: Pretty perceptive, for a decoy.
Rick: This is getting nowhere. Let's charge their asses on three.
Morty: Do we have to do this?
Rick: Morty, this is gonna sound bad, but...would you trust me not to kill you?
Summer: Oof.
Morty: I mean, good point, but Jesus Christ.
Second Rick: We rush them on three. Ready?
Second Morty: I don't want to kill us, Rick!
Second Rick: It's them or us, Morty. I don't trust me. Do you trust you?
Second Morty: Yes?
Second Rick: Freak.
[The two Smith families, both minus Jerry, yell and charge at each other. Just as they start to fight, a massive burst of flame burns through the walls and incinerates both families, revealing a Rick holding a flamethrower and a Smith family standing outside.]
Rick: Before you say anything, they were already killing each other.
Beth: Well, you could've done something.
Rick: Not sure, actually. I've heard stories about this. We're looking at a possible Asimov Cascade.
Jerry: Sorry, what's happening?
Summer: I need an explainer, too.
Morty: Yeah, I'm pretty much behind on this one.
Rick: Car, can I get a whiteboard? [A large whiteboard emerges from the car and Rick starts to write on it.] When squids started killing decoys, decoys started checking their decoys and learning that they're making decoys. That's making them seek out and run into other decoys, making them realize they're decoys, making them start to kill other decoys.
Summer: Say decoy again.
Rick: Fuck you.
Beth: Well, how do we stop it?
Rick: Beth, the loop's already started. It's basically Highlander rules now. [The family looks at him silently.] Really? 1986? "There can be only one?" Shit, we gotta rent it after this. Connery plays "the spaniard" but does nothing about his accent.
Morty: Well, what about the squids? I mean, they started this, would killing them finish it?
Rick: Might work. Alt pitch, we just terminate the rest of the decoys.
Beth: Nobody's terminating anything. This is your mess, nobody else with our face and memories has to die.
Rick: Beth, as much as your passion warms my cold, cold heart, this thing feels pretty far gone. Not only are the decoys liable to be anywhere, but also, we don't know how many decoys there are. You get far enough down the decoy line and shit starts to get weird. You ever make a copy of a copy?
Beth: You're helping us fix this. We're taking out the squids.
Jerry: I say we split up! Some of us take down squids, while the rest of us–
Rick: Engage in B stories we'll have to track simultaneously? No thank you! We stick together till this is all wrapped up.
Summer: I dunno, the squids seem pretty good at taking out Smith families.
Rick: Well, this'll sound weird, but I think I have a pitch for that.
[Rick's car flies through the air, covered in a poorly made cloth squid. Inside the car, the family are all wearing identically poorly made squid costumes.]
Summer: This costume smells like ass!
Rick: God, there's no pleasing you!
Morty: It's really bad, Rick.
Summer: Did you let a gym coach break it in?
Jerry: Why are we wearing these?
Rick: Because we'll fit in and avoid detection as we take out all the squids. Might also help us anonymously take out excess decoys, if we have to.
Beth: Which we won't.
Summer: Unless we're decoys. He's starting to wonder! I knew it. I knew we didn't seem like Colorado people.
Beth: [laughing] Oh my god! You are, aren't you? You're worried you might be fake!
Rick: Sure, Beth. Try to love this more.
Beth: Just glad you have to walk a mile in someone else's squid costumes.
Morty: There's one. [He points to a nearby squid ship.] Hey, what're they mad at you for, anyway?
Rick: Well, we're talking about me. It could be anything. Maybe jealous of my penis size, I had sex with their queen, my dick's too big, the list goes on and on.
[They fly up behind the squid ship and shoot it down, causing it to crash in a field. The car lands next to it and the family gets out.]
Rick: Alright, hey, one down! Probably, what, forty more to go? Forty-five? Should be pretty easy, unless killing them brings in a bigger bad or some kind of horrible mothership. Okay, let's loot their ship, find their weaknesses, be done by sundown.
[Morty pulls the head off of a dead squid, revealing it to be a helmet with a dead Rick under it.]
Rick: Huh.
Morty: Wait, but if the squids are decoys and we dressed as squids...
[Summer unmasks a dead version of herself, and Beth unmasks a dead Morty.]
Summer: Well, I found their weakness. They don't fucking listen to me!
[A wounded decoy Jerry crawls from the wreckage, collapses, dies, and drops the bomb he was holding, which rolls to the family's feet.]
Rick: Honestly, probably for the best.
[The bomb explodes and the family vaporizes. Rick, in the garage, attaches jumper cables to a small alien creature and electrocutes it, causing it to poop out a piece of candy, which Rick eats.]
Rick: [laughing] Man, I'm good.
[Music starts to play. Rick's watch beeps, and he sighs just as a laser blows a hole in the roof and destroys the house. Inside, a squid charts a course for the next family. The family is in their dining room when Beth runs in.]
Beth: Dad!
[The family is shot through their window by another family carrying rifles. Rick, the top of his head missing, digs around inside his open brain in front of his horrified family until he finds a chip that reads "DECOY FIRMWARE V6 (YOU'RE A DECOY) on it. He sighs, defeated. A Rick walks through the house, gun drawn, when another Rick leaps out of the closet and starts beating him with a pipe. A third Rick, painted to blend with the wall, watches. Summer cuts her arm and is relieved to see blood, but Rick pulls the skin off her arm, revealing a metallic skeleton. Two squid ships fly next to each other. One Rick takes off his helmet. When he sees the other squid is also a Rick, he sighs and shoots himself. The montage ends as the Smiths run through the woods. Rick's watch beeps.]
Rick: Oh, shit. One of mine.
Morty: Where are we going?
Rick: Off grid, Morty. We're gonna live in the woods, like libertarians. We'll hunt rabbits and trade with, like, little pieces of gold bar that we cut off with a knife.
Summer: That licks.
Rick: We might be decoys, Summer. Everything about this licks.
Beth: Oh, maybe now you'll empathize with the decoys you're killing!
[Rick stops running, and the family does too.]
Rick: Wait, shhh. It's too quiet.
Summer: You skipped quiet.
Rick: I didn't skip shit. It's obviously quiet if it's too quiet.
Summer: Yeah, but you're supposed to say–
Rick: You know what, Summer, now it's not quiet enough!
[Rick is suddenly hit in the neck by a dart and collapses. Before the rest of the family can react, they are all hit as well. Rick regains consciousness as he is dragged across the ground, seeing a strange-looking Rick with worn out clothes being the one dragging him. Inside a rotting, overgrown version of the Smith home, the deformed Rick has strapped Morty, Summer, Beth and Jerry to tables as they all wake.]
Morty: Where are we? Where's Rick?
Scarecrow Rick: He's right here, Morty! [He appears in front of Morty, who yelps.] Oh, are we not happy to see grandpa? Does he look...different?
[Scarecrow Rick tugs on his head, revealing that he is wearing a crude Rick mask. Underneath is a Rick with brown, leathery skin.]
Jerry: [at the same time as Morty] Oh, god!
Morty: [at the same time as Jerry] Ugh, it stinks!
Scarecrow Rick: Yes, recoil at the craftsmanship. I could tell I was a fake from the day I was born. Unlike you. Unlike them.
[He walks over to the opposite wall and flips a switch, lighting up the area and revealing multiple dead decoy Ricks strapped to tables, their skin gone. Their Rick is still alive, but his skin has been removed. Jerry screams.]
Scarecrow Rick: You see, Ricks, they get lazy. There's always a shitty decoy towards the end. But those decoys made decoys too, and got lazy themselves. And far enough down the line...there be monsters.
Summer: Ugh, we get it, you're ugly and mad about it.
[The alive Rick coughs.]
Jerry: [at the same time as Summer] Rick!
Summer: [at the same time as Jerry] Grandpa!
Rick: Kill me...[looking at Scarecrow Rick] if I ever get this arch.
[Scarecrow Rick presses a button which electrocutes Rick.]
Scarecrow Rick: Hush, little decoy. Can't kill you yet. The skin needs to be fresh.
Beth: You know what? You're a monster.
Scarecrow Rick: I'm your father! At least, I can look more like him once I harvest all this yummy skin.
Rick: This guy's really into skin.
Scarecrow Rick: It's not all for me. A Rick provides for his family.
[He walks up to a cage, where equally deformed and leathery decoys of the rest of the family are being held.]
Scarecrow Beth: Will I beautiful again, daddy?
Scarecrow Rick: Soon, baby. Beautiful again soon.
[As a knife emerges from his wrist and he runs it over Beth's cheek, the ceiling explodes and wooden decoys of Rick, Summer and Morty drop through it.]
Scarecrow Rick: What the–
Glockenspiel Rick: Help the others!
[Scarecrow Rick draws his knife and runs at Glockenspiel Rick, who flips him over and shoots out a cuckoo clock bird from his hand, impaling Scarecrow Rick through the chest and killing him. Glockenspiel Summer douses his corpse and the cage in gasoline, burning him and the other Scarecrow Smiths. Glockenspiel Morty releases the skinned Rick, while Glockenspiel Rick cuts Beth free with a saw in his arm.]
Beth: Why are you helping us?
Glockenspiel Rick: Because we're all in this together. Come on! There's a place we can go!
[They fly off in Glockenspiel Rick's car (which is made out of wood) and land in a canyon. Glockenspiel Rick presses his hand to a sensor in the canyon wall and a door opens. The group walks through, revealing a hall full of decoy families. Glockenspiel Jerry approaches his kids, holding a can of varnish.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: Hey, who needs all this war stuff? I found a can of varnish. This is a ticket to the world beyond the river!
Glockenspiel Summer: Who wants that? I crave glorious death in decoy battle!
Glockenspiel Morty: Also, y'know, depending on the varnish, might look like blackface.
Glockenspiel Jerry: Excuse me for wanting to live.
[Glockenspiel Beth stand on a podium and addresses the crowd.]
Glockenspiel Beth: Brothers and sisters, welcome to the cause. To our cause. We are no longer Ricks and Mortys, Beths and Jerrys, or also Summers.
[A group of Summers scoff.]
Decoy Summer: Whatever.
Decoy Summer: Asshole!
Glockenspiel Beth: We are decoys. Brought into the world by an unloving god, and drive to destroy ourselves by the uncertainty he creates!
[A group of Ricks murmur disapprovingly.]
Decoy Rick: I don't know if that's accurate.
Decoy Rick: Sounds extreme.
Glockenspiel Beth: But that violence ends today!
[The crowd cheers. A Jerry raises his hand.]
Decoy Jerry: What about the squids?
Decoy Beth: [at the same time as Decoy Summer] The squids are decoys!
Decoy Summer: [at the same time as Decoy Beth] There were no squids!
Other Decoy Summer: The squids are decoys who realized they're decoys and wanted to kill the other decoys.
Other Decoy Jerry: Yeah, it is a lot.
Glockenspiel Beth: We cannot let confusion divide us!
[An explosion sounds and a Morty runs into the room.]
Decoy Morty: Squids! Squids, of course, being shorthand for killer decoys!
[The door explodes, killing the Morty. The crowd panics and runs around. Glockenspiel Rick approaches Glockenspiel Beth.]
Glockenspiel Rick: Inner sanctum, the escape tunnel!
[The glockenspiels and a group of decoys run through a tunnel together. Glockenspiel Jerry makes it to the elevator first and closes it, all the glockenspiels shout angrily at him.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: I'm sorry, I didn't ask for this! I just wanna live! But there's only so much varnish! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
[The tunnel collapses, killing everyone outside the elevator. Inside a Smith house, Rick's watch can be heard beeping, only to be seen in the trash. The Smiths are standing together in the ocean, watching the sun set.]
Beth: How long before the other decoys find us?
Rick: Sooner or later. Can't really run from it. Any place we'd think to hide is a place they'd think to look. It's Rule 34 of an Asimov Cascade.
Beth: I'm just glad we're living to the fullest with the time we have left.
Summer: [sighs happily] Well, peeing in the ocean was my bucket list item. Who's next?
Rick: Jerry? Bucket list?
Jerry: I'd like to attend a game at every major league ballpark.
Rick: Nope! Morty?
Morty: I wanna ask a girl out at my weird New Mexico school.
[A squid ship appears above them.]
Rick: Shit. Sorry, buddy. Sounds like it would've been real heartwarming.
[The Smiths hold hands, close their eyes and smile as a laser beam obliterates them and the ship flies away.]
Morty: They looked happy. Did we have to kill them?
Beth: Well, maybe their Rick came to grips with his bullshit!
Rick: You're so mean today! I'm your dad, you like having me around!
Beth: You keep putting us in danger!
Rick: Whatever. This'll take forever, mind if I do something drastic?
[Summer, Morty and Beth stare at him and sigh as he pulls up multiple maps. The ship lands in front of the house and Rick and Morty head into the garage.]
Rick: House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a Star Fox boss season four callback? Make it flashy?
House: You got it, babe.
[The garage door shuts and Rick puts on a headset.]
Rick: [to himself] Let's go, you little bitch. [He slaps himself.] It's showtime. [A projector descends from the ceiling and shines a blue light on his face.] Get centered.
[The house's blast doors lower and multiple turrets emerge from it, while a shield forms over it. Several orbs fly into the air, projecting a hologram of Rick's face and hands that mirror his movements and repeat his words loudly.]
Rick: What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! [A squid near the house takes off its helmet, revealing a Rick made of stone who draws a gun..] I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, [a Smith family made of straw drawing a plan in the dirt turns to look at the hologram] a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" [A squid in a ship removes its helmet, revealing it to be a robotic Rick, who pilots his ship towards the beacon.] And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the rick-est Rick would do! I might actually be fake! [A LEGO Rick driving in a car notices the beacon, does a U-turn and removes the top of his head, pulling a gun out from it.] I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." [Several squid ships and flying cars fly towards the beacon.] Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it–
[The scene cuts to the exterior of, then the interior of the White House, where the president is sitting behind his desk while an advisor approaches him.]
Steve: Sir, there seems to be a confluence of Rick Sanchezes killing each other over the American Southwest.
The President: Sounds exhausting. How many of those states voted for me, anyway?
Steve: Mr. President, I think the point of the electoral collage is–
The President: To preserve slavery? That's right, Steve. I have the internet too. Now take your white ass to the kitchenette and bring me a Diet Coke.
[Rick finishes looping his beacon, removes the headset, and takes out a large rifle. He passes it to Beth, gives Summer an energy sword, Morty a laser whip, and Jerry a pistol.]
Rick: Little out of character to say this right now, but you guys look really cool.
Morty: We might be decoys, huh.
Rick: One way to find out.
[He takes out his own gun and the Smiths charge outside, where decoys are killing each other en masse. Approaching ships and cars' lasers are blocked by the house's shield, while the turrets destroy multiple. A Rick kills another Rick with a device that rapidly ages him, only to be shot. A squid blows up a family and is immediately shot. The family inside the shield observes the carnage, and immediately start fighting as the shield drops. Summer cuts a squid in half while a ship shoots apart a family and bombs another. The scene cuts to a camp made on a hill. Rick's hologram is visible and its speech can still be heard. A puppet-like Rick and Beth watch the battle.]
Second Rick: Looks like it's calming down. You wanna get in one more "I told you so" about synthetic life or whatever this week's theme is?
Second Beth: Oh, fuck you.
Second Rick: [rolls eyes] Whoa.
Second Beth: No, you don't get to be annoyed with this! You treat life and family as so burdensome, and yet you created an ocean of us because you're terrified of losing either!
Second Rick: Shit.
Second Beth: Yeah.
Second Rick: Look, Beth, I might not be the real Rick. But even if I'm not, he made me, or the me that made me. Which means somewhere inside of him is a version of Rick capable of hearing that. A version of Rick who's sorry. I'm sorry about the clone thing, too. I love you.
[Beth hugs him.]
Second Beth: Thanks, dad.I love you, too. You really think we're decoys?
Second Rick: Eh. Who cares? We'll be the last ones left. Lucky that one did the beacon, this was gonna take weeks. [The beacon suddenly fizzles out.] Alright, let's mop up.
[He and Beth suddenly unzip their fronts, revealing them to be perfectly normal, wearing costumes.]
Second Beth: Finally.
Second Rick: Dressing as decoys too cute to murder. You know, I'm not sure it helped, but I'm glad we tried it.
Second Morty: We're losing the costumes?
[The other Smiths remove their costumes.]
Second Summer: Thank god, this decoy outfit smells like ass.
Second Rick: Fuck you, Summer.
[They get into the car and fly off. Back at the house, Rick rips out a decoy Morty's robotic intestines. A decoy Jerry tries to crawl away, weeping, and Rick shoots him in the head. He sees the car flying overhead and bellows a war cry.]
Second Rick: Shit, that guy's awesome. Okay, listen, he might actually be the real Rick. But whatever happens–
[Rick shoots a missile at the car, which detonates and propels Second Rick through the windshield and onto the lawn in front of him. As Rick approaches him, Second Rick draws energy swords from his hands. The Beths and Mortys fight, Summer runs off and Second Summer chases her, and the Jerrys weakly attempt to fight before dropping their weapons, hugging, and crying. Second Summer corners Summer in the backyard and Summer slices her across the cheek with a pen knife. Second Summer swings at her with her own knife.]
Summer: Wait! We don't have to do this. We're both Summers. Shouldn't we at least try molly before we die?
Second Summer: You know what, yeah. Fuck this noise.
[She offers her hand to Summer, who tries to stab her. Second Summer pins her against the shed and pushes her knife into her throat. She drops Summer and picks up a discarded squid gun, walking into the kitchen to find the Mortys wrestling, one pinning the other and trying to attack him with a spoon.]
Second Summer: Wait, I don't know who to shoot.
Both Mortys: Summer!
Second Summer: I can't deal with this. I had to kill myself. You have too, to.
Both Mortys: Summer!
[The Morty being pinned breaks the other Morty's hold and wrestles him to the ground. The Ricks are in the living room, shooting at each other.]
Rick: Fuck you, I'm real! I'm the smartest man in the universe!
Second Rick: Probably not even wrong. But that's just it. I'm not a man. I'm God!
[The Ricks leap at each other and Second Rick wrestles Rick into a headlock.]
Second Rick: You're just made in my image.
Rick: Fuck you.
[He chips one of his own teeth, which starts to glow red and beep. Second Rick chips his own tooth, creating a shield around him as Rick blows himself up. Second Rick spits out his own tooth as an exhausted Second Summer approaches him.]
Second Rick: You the, uh, Summer I came with?
Second Summer: Probably.
Second Rick: Good enough. Morty?
Morty: Yeah.
Beth: I'm here, too.
[Rick opens the closet to find a Jerry cowering in fear.]
Second Rick: Holy shit, that was insane! I love you guys, I've totally changed!
[Beth, Summer, Morty and Jerry are all shot and killed, while Rick is shot in the side.]
Second Rick: Oh, fuck.
[As he collapses against the wall, Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted emerges from the kitchen, holding a gun.]
Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted: You shoulda hunted me.
Second Rick: What? Who—were you significant? Like, did we tee you up? You want to be hunted? God, I have so many questions. Why? What happens if– [he dies.]
Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted: Somebody hunt me!
[Rick's car flies through space, with the family and Space Beth inside.]
Rick: Pretty cool adventure, huh? Big, long road trip adventure through space? Even ran into Space Beth. Maybe that'll happen more often!
Space Beth: Let's not overdo it.
[The dashboard beeps.]
Rick: Oh, shit. Looks like someone killed the decoy family.
Beth: [at the same time as Space Beth] Decoy family?
Space Beth: [at the same time as Beth] Decoy what now?
[CREDITS]
[Glockenspiel Jerry, his clothes removed, applies varnish to himself and gets in a river as Queen's "Who Wants To Live Forever" plays. As he peacefully floats downstream, something swims under him.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: Hello?
[He notices a group of beavers on the shore watching him.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: Oh, oh my god! Oh my god!
[He frantically swims away as the beavers pursue him. He grabs onto a dead tree as the beavers catch up.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: No! No, no no, no no no no no!
[The beavers drag him under and the screen fades, before fading back in to Glockenspiel Jerry, who wakes up on top of a pile of sticks. He looks down and gasps, realizing he is on top of a damn and his body is limbless and being used as a nest for baby beavers.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: Nooooo!
[He weeps. The beavers leave as the water starts to rise.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: Oh god. Yes, yes, sweet death.
[The screen fades as the water washes over him. only to fade back in to his degraded body, covered in sand. Wind blows off the sand and he wakes up to desolate world.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: Why am I still alive? Oh, god. Is there anything left? Hello?
[An anthropomorphic woodpecker and dolphin approach him.]
Woodpecker: What is it?
Dolphin: A relic...from a kinder past.
[The woodpecker hammers his beak against Glockenspiel Jerry's head before picking him up and carrying him off. He wakes up with only his head, attached to a mirror in a bar filled with frog-like cowboy aliens.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: Wait, cowboys?
[The bar's patrons gasp and an alien takes the mirror and throws it into the street, causing the glass to crack. Glockenspiel Jerry screams as they burn the mirror. He wakes up, only to see a crowd of angry yellow aliens and alien soldiers in Roman-like garb. An alien nails a board to his head, which is being used as the top of a crucifix, holding a Christ-like alien.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: Christianity again? After cowboys? You went all the way back around?!
[The aliens throw tomatoes at the three aliens being crucified. One hits Glockenspiel Jerry.]
Glockenspiel Jerry: Oh god, why can't I die? This is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone!