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PM-icon-101.png This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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Transcript for "Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular"

(At a government building that holds the constituion, or what Rick and Morty are after the secret treasure map.)

Morty: Are we - are we gonna put it back when we're done with it?

Rick: Why? The only thing of value on it is the secret treasure map. The rest is just instructions for running a country, and I'm pretty sure they're online.

Morty: It just feels a little wrong -

Rick: Morty, are you gonna be a fucking American nerd or are you gonna be cool and steal the constitution with Grandpa? Here, hold this while I crack the hermetic seal.

Morty: W-Why not just use this again?

Rick: Morty! You just destroyed the map and activated the giant assassin hidden in the Statue of Liberty!

Morty: I'm sorry - W-wait, what?

Rick: It was a Trojan horse, Morty. Never trust the French. Alright, fun's fun, but now the federal government's gonna be pissed again. Way to go. And on America's birthday or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.

(Opening theme begins as Rick and Morty go through a portal, presumably to the Smith Residence)

Soldier: Rick and Morty! You are under arrest and surrounded by an anti-portal shimmer! Come out with your hands up!

Jerry: Well, happy Thanksgiving to me. Can't wait to see what a "shimmer" does to my prostate.

Beth: Dad, can you just end whatever this is -

Rick: I understand you're upset Mr. President. It's honestly all Morty's fault. But in the meantime, you really want to keep your army of pointlessly camouflaged Eagle Scouts off my lawn.

The President: Don't tell me what I want you anti-American piece of shit! You terrorist!

Rick: You know, you use that word so much it's lost all meaning, Mr. P. It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist? It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.

(Two soldiers attempt to enter through the anti-portal shimmer but the satellite dish releases a plant that consumes the two soldiers.)

Rick: Told you to stand down. You just lost two soldiers over here. Good men. Might be time to look at the terrorist in the mirror.

The President: You want a war?! I'll put your outer-space ass in a goddamn Phantom Zone with a bar of kryptonite soap around your neck. You're done, Sanchez! You hear me?

Rick: Oof. He's really pissed this time.

Summer: Why don't you guys just fuck and get it over with.

Rick: Okay, well thank you, Summer, but I think I've got a better option.

Beth: Dad, no.

Rick: Ehh, hands are tied, sweetie. I have to turn myself into a turkey and trick the President into giving me a Presidential turkey pardon.

Jerry: Again? How many times have you done this?

Rick: I don't know, Jerry, how many years have I lived here? Careful how you answer that.

Morty: Geez, Rick, y'know, y-you've done this a lot. Don't you think the President might see it coming this time?

(Camera starts to switch from the Smith Residence to the war room depending on who is talking.)

Rick: He probably will, Morty. That's all part of the dance. In the past, I've inserted myself into the potential turkey pardonee population by brainwashing the presidential turkey wrangler prior to the ceremony.

The President: But this time, the turkey wrangler's been euthanized and the turkeys will be transported by armored military vehicles.

Rick: Vehicles manufactured by ghost corporations that I control.

The President: Which we have audited.

Rick: Allowing me access to...

The President: Central computer...

Rick: To track the...

The President: Real armored transports, which he can never...

Rick: Totally track and sneak aboard.

The President: And even if he does, he'll be on a truck full of turkeys and fully armed marines.

Rick: Who won't recognize me because the human eye is inherently face blind to turkeys.

The President: Fortunately, those marines won't have human eyes. They'll have turkey eyes.

Dwayne: Jesus ever-loving Christ, why don't you two just fuck and get it over with?

The President: Careful, Dwayne. You're only Vice President because I need 10% of the white vote.

Dwayne: There's a giant French assassin attacking New York, and you're using the war room to measure dicks with your alcoholic sci-fi boyfriend?

The President: Rick Sanchez is more dangerous than some steam-powered French bitch, and New York can handle its own global emergencies. General? Initiate Operation Deep Gobble.

(At a bar where marines that were turned into turkeys appear to meet up. A pool ball clacks and Coop's cellphone vibrates.)

Mary Lou: Coop, not on Thanksgiving.

Coop: It's what I trained for, Mary Lou.

Mary Lou: It ain't our fight.

Coop: Baby. That little race car driver you got bakin' in your belly. What world would you want him rearin' up in? One where some... spiky-haired Doctor Who in a lab coat can change the color of the sky? Or a world where he can fill his pickup with hot dogs and drive it to a jukebox full of our demographic's current favorite music?

Mary Lou: Obviously the latter, but --

Coop: Well, that world, Mary Lou, the one with those meals, vehicles and songs people in this 30-mile area prefer... that world needs a few good men. In a secret Pentagon lab. Turning into turkeys.

Mary Lou: You come back without feathers, Coop.

Bartender: God, I love this country.

(Turnin' Turkey starts playing.)

General: These pills contain tracking chips that identify each of you as individuals. That will be important later.

(The marines are turned into turkeys in a Pentagon lab. Turnin' Turkey fades out.)

Turkeyfied Marine 1 (Addressed as Sarge): Alright, boys, search every bird. If Sanchez is here, I wanna hear you gobblin'.

Turkeyfied Marine 2: Let me look at you, scum. get outta here, you wobbleneck.

Turkeyfied Marine 3 (Martinez): Sarge, this -- this ain't like the simulation, man. I don't like it.

Turkeyfied Marine 1 (Addressed as Sarge): Keep it together, Martinez. Eyes are on the ground, sir. No sign of Einstein.

Mr President: Stay frosty, gentlemen. I want this pardoning pipeline airtight.

(At the Smith Residence.)

Soldier: Sir! We have hacked the garage door. We are in. Eyes on the bogey.

Mr President: Or you've got eyes on a robot.

Soldier: All due respect, sir, I know flesh when I see it!

(In Rick's ship + above the armored military vehicles containing the turkeyfied marines.)

Turkeyfied Rick: Those flesh-covered [burps] robots should buy us some time. The pardonable turkeys should be on that truck. Ship, go stealth.

Turkeyfied Marine 1 (Addressed as Sarge): Rodriguez, Fincher. Get eyes on that.

Turkeyfied Rick: Huh. Turkey Marines. The President came to play. Jam those two radios.

Ship: Confirmed.

(Radio static followed by Turkeyfied Rick kicking Rodriguez/Fincher off the truck.)

Turkeyfied Marine 1 (Addressed as Sarge): Fincher, Rodriguez, come in!

Turkeyfied Rick: Copy, copy, tango, all good. Just a couple of branches on the roof.

Turkeyfied Marine 1 (Addressed as Sarge): Don't ever turn your radio off again.

Flesh Rick/Morty: We will not/never surrender.

General: Oh yeah? Bring in the David Blaine box.

Summer: Damn, is that a David Blaine box?

Jerry: I told you we should have just gone to my parents' house.

Beth: No, you didn't.

Jerry: Well, I didn't say it out loud, but it should be well known by now that I'd always rather be there.

Flesh Rick: Oh, God, oh no!

Flesh Morty: Aw, geez, Rick!

General: Sir, we've got Rick and Morty inside the box!

The President: Then that confirms it.

General: Sir?

The President: No David Blaine box can hold Rick Sanchez. Scan the turkey truck!

Marine: Huh. That's weird. ID chips for Fincher and Rodriguez are glitching.

The President: Sanchez... I'll deal with this bastard myself.

General: Sir, don't be a cowboy. You can't get re-elected dead.

Scientist: System is calibrated, sir. That pill contains a tracking chip that will identify --

The President: I know, it'll be important later! Do it.