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This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Rick Potion No. 9." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
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This article is a transcript of the Rick and Morty episode "Rick Potion #9" from season 1, which aired on January 27, 2014.
[Open ext. Harry Herpson High School]
[Trans. int. Harry Herpson High School hallway]
(Morty is standing at his locker.)
Principal Vagina: (Over the intercom, while the students talk) Principal Vagina here, don't let the name fool you, I'm very much in charge, reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don't know how many times I have to say this but if you have the flu, stay home, the flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don't bring dead babies to Passover.
(Morty watches Jessica with her friends Grace Smith and Holly Hooks at a nearby locker.)
Grace Smith: (to Jessica) Hey.
Morty: Ohhh. Okay, here we go. *Walks over to Jessica and her friends* (Nervously) H-Hey, Jessica, ughh.
Jessica: What's up, Morty? *sneezes*
Morty: Ugghh-
Brad: *Butts in, in front of Jessica* What are you doing?
Morty: Ummm...
Brad: Wait, wait. Were you about to talk... to her?
Morty: Well, I mean, I was thinking about it.
Brad: Dude- (hand hits Morty's chest) stay in your league! Look at how hot she is! You don't see me going to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hittin' on their prettiest girl!
Jessica: (Sarcastically) Gee, thanks, Brad.
(Brad puts his arm around Jessica's shoulder and the pair walk away.)
Brad: I throw balls far. You want good words, date a languager.
(Morty stands at the locker alone and looks down in disappointment)
[Trans. ext. The Smith's house]
[Trans. int. The Smith's kitchen]
(Jerry is making a sandwich and talking to Morty at the counter)
Jerry: Eh, Try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.
Morty: (Plays with a cookie in sadness) You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls, I want Jessica!
Jerry: Ahhh, well, (gets another jar of sauce out of the cupboard) I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your mom, and that's not an urban dis, your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought...
Rick: (enters and interrupts Jerry) I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me. (grabs a glass from a cupboard)
Jerry: I beg your pardon, Rick, INAPPROPRIATE. (points to Morty)
Rick: (grabs ice from out of the freezer)(sarcastically) Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. (gets juice out of the refrigerator) I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy, Morty, his marriage is hanging from a thread.
Jerry: (Angrily) My marriage is fine, thank you.
(Rick walks towards Jerry)
Rick: Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is is how it is, (pours juice into the glass) but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.
Morty: Come on, Rick, don't talk about my parents like that.
(Rick walks around counter, to Morty)
Rick: Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. (exits room, drinking juice)
(Jerry walks next to Morty)
Morty: (In woe) Alright, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. (exits kitchen)
Jerry: Yeah, I'm just going to...check on your mom. (exits opposite direction)
[Trans. ext. The Smith's house]
[Trans. int. The Smith's garage]
(Rick is working on a machine, on his desk, as Morty enters, in his suit)
Rick: (With his back to Morty) Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? *Morty closes door* I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Morty. It's gonna be great.
Morty: Hey, listen, Rick. You know how you said that, you know... love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? (walks to Rick at his desk) Well, I was thinkin', you know, www... could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort of thing, you know, like maybe make some sort of love potion or something?
Rick: Morty, that's such a poor use of my time, it's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. (points to the shelf)
Morty: (Angrily) YOU KNOW WHAT, NO RICK! I'M NOT GONNA HAND YOU THE SCREWDRIVER! Uh, I'm never gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick. (Rick gets up and grabs a box of supplies from the shelf) I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. Www...what about me, Rick? Www... why can't you just help me out once, once, for once?
Rick: *sighs* You're growing up fast, Morty. You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass! (grabs some test tubes with yellow liquid and holds one up) Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. You know what a VOLE is, Morty, you know what a vole is?
(Morty shakes his head as Rick walks away from the shelf)
Rick: It's a, it's a rodent that mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical release in the mammal's brain, (sets down the box of objects, opens a hatch in a machine, and pours the oxytocin in) ...that makes it fall in love. Alright Morty, I just gotta *burps* combine it with some of your DNA.
Morty: Oh well, okay... (zips down his fly)
Rick: A hair, Morty, I need one of your hairs! This isn't Game Of Thrones. (plucks hair from Morty's head)
Morty: Oww!
(Rick drops the hair in the machine and closes the hatch) (The machine vibrates and makes noises, then pours an orange liquid into a conical flask, much like a coffee machine)
Rick: (grabs the flask containing the orange liquid) Alright, Morty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Ya happy now, Morty?
(Rick hands the potion to Morty, and walks away)
Morty: Heck yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick! (walks to the door, but thinks about it and looks back) Hey there's no dangers or anything or side effects, right?
Rick: Www.. what am I, a hack?! Go nuts, Morty, it's full proof.
(Morty leaves the garage as Rick works on the ionic defibulizer some more)
Rick: Huh, unless she has the flu. (shrugs it off)
*suspense music*
[Trans Beth and Jerry's room]
(Beth is typing on the computer, while Jerry is sadly sitting on their bed)
Jerry: Beth, do you still love me?
Beth: *sighs* Want kinda question is that?
Jerry: The "yes" or "no" kind. *weak laugh of obviousness*
Beth: Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?
Jerry: Yes.
Beth: Are you gonna build them?
Jerry: No.
Beth: Then what good was the "yes"?
Jerry: (walks to Beth at the computer)(confused) Wait, iii... is loving me the house or the homeless people?
Beth: (Turns around to Jerry)(Irritated) Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody want to say "no" to doing it, but some people put the work in. So what do ya say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
Jerry: Sort of.
Beth: But I obviously sort of love you, don't I? *alert on Beth's phone* So stop asking and maybe I'll love you more. (looks at her phone) Crap, They need me at the horse hospital.
(Beth gets up and grabs her jacket at the door)
Jerry: This late?
Beth: (puts on her jacket) The racetrack had a starlit derby, there's a seven horse collision, and Davin's there alone. (leaves the room, leaving Jerry alone)
Jerry: (In his head)(Progressively angrier) *Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin*
[Trans. ext. Herry Herpson High School, Gymnasium entrance]
(Dressed up students walk inside in pairs, a large banner reads "FLU SEASON DANCE" over the doors)
[Trans int. Flu Season Dance inside Gymnasium]
(Morty happily walks passed many students eating and dancing, a band plays Flu Hatin' Rap in the background)
Band Vocalist / MC Haps: (Background) Flu. Yo, you gotta be aware. Aware about the flu, up in the air. Imma get me a shot and make the flu go away. Flu hatin' rappers just rappin' away. Yo. Yo. Flu hatin' rapper. It's a flu hatin' rap....This is about flu awareness. Gotta be aware of the flu in the airness. Yo, I'm a flu hatin' rapper. My name is MC Haaaaaaaaaaps- Haps Yeah, I'm MC Haps, I'm a flu hatin' rapper, yo......
(Morty sees Jessica and her friends, he takes out a vial of the potion and pours it onto his hand, he then approaches them)
Morty: Hey there, Jessica. (Pretends to trip, wiping the potion on Jessica's arm) Whooa-whoopsie!
(Jessica turns around and becomes infected, falling in love with Morty)
Jessica:(infected) Omigod, Morty. You look REALLY nice tonight.
Morty: WOW, thanks!
(Jessica pulls Morty close to her breasts)
Jessica:(infected) I love you, Morty. I love you so much it burns!
Morty: Oh man. I love you too, Jessica! (Brad walks passed with a drink, he overhears)
Brad: (outraged) *spits* Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?(shoves Morty)
Jessica: (Infected) LEAVE HIM ALONE, JERK! (pulls Morty away) I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! HE'S MORE MAN THEN YOU WILL EVER BE! *sneezes*
(Jessica sneezes infected bacteria into Brad's mouth) (You can more promptly hear the band's rap as the green spheres of bacteria spread throughout Brad's body, through his blood and nerves)
Brad: (infected) Aw man, Morty, ugh, I'm really sorry.
Morty: Oh, well, no problem Brad.
Brad: (hugs Morty)(infected) There's somethin' special bout you, somethin' special. (squeezes Morty's butt and back)
Morty: (pushes Brad away) Whoa, take it easy!
Jessica: (grabs Morty's left arm)(infected) GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!
Brad: (grabs Morty's right arm)(infected) BACK OFF I'M TRYING TO BE WITH MY MAN!
(Brad and Jessica quarrel over Morty)
Principal Vagina: (Stops the fight, pulling Brad back, aided with Mr. Goldenfold) That's enough Bradley. We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
(Principal Vagina and Mr. Goldenfold drag Brad away)
Brad: (disappointment)(infected) Oh, Principal Vagina.
(Jessica takes Morty away, grasping his head)
Jessica: (infected) Never leave me, Morty, NEVER.
(Morty and Jessica hold each other) (Nearby students begin to watch)
Morty: (confused) Uh, sure. I mean, of course not. What do you think that was all about?
Jessica: (infected) Who cares? Just hold me.
(Trans. Principal Vagina and Mr. Goldenfold dragging distraught Brad outside of the gym)
Brad: (infected) LET ME GO!!! I LOVE YOU MORTY! *sneeze, sneeze* (exits the gym)
(Brad sneezes infected bacteria into a nearby punch bowl, then again into a vent) *suspenseful music*
[Trans. ext. Smith House]
Jerry: (V.O.) She's gonna be alone with that guy all night.
[Trans. Smith Living Room]
Summer: Yeah, Dad, digging around the inside of horses. It's not a very romantic setting.
Rick: Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up. Maybe Davin's digging around in her insides.
Summer: Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom.
Rick: Well, she's my daughter, Summer. I outrank you. Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card.
Jerry: She's not responding to my texts!
Summer: Careful, dad. Jealousy turns women off.
Jerry: Well, isn't that convenient?
Rick: Not for the men they cheat on, no.
Jerry: Okay, I'm... going to go out... for some ice cream. And maybe stop by the hospital... to support my wife... with my confidence.
[Door closes]
Summer: God, grandpa, you're such a dick.
Rick: I'm sorry, Summer. Your opinion means very little to me. How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves so much?
Summer: Screw that. I don't want to get sick. It's flu season.
Rick: It is?
Summer: Yeah.
Rick: (Realizes Morty is in terrible danger) Uh-oh.
[Hip-hop music plays]
Morty: Please just let this work out.
[Moans] Do it, Morty. Do it. Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! [Growls]
Morty: Um... can we maybe go somewhere more private?
Jessica, get a hold of yourself!
[Grunts] You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
[Rapping]
♪ I love Morty ♪ ♪ and I hope Morty loves me ♪ ♪ I'd like to wrap my arms around him ♪ ♪ and feel him inside me ♪
Morty: (Realizes what's happening) Oh, crap.
[Indistinct shouting]
Morty!
Rick: Morty, come on! We got to get you out of here. You're not gonna believe this because it usually never happens, but I made a mistake.
[Both panting] come on, Morty. We got to get out of here.
Come on.
Morty!
Morty: [wails] are you okay?
Morty: I'm fine!
Oh, good.
If anything ever happened to you, I would kill myself.
I love you bad, Mo-Mo!
[All panting]
[indistinct shouting]
Morty, the principal and I have discussed it, a-a-and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way!
Rick: I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu you know, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-that might have been valuable information for me, Morty.
Morty: What the hell is going on, Rick?
Rick: What does it look like?
T-t-t-the serum is piggybacking on the virus.
It's gone airborne, Morty.
Morty: Oh, crap.
What are we gonna do, Rick?
Rick: It's gonna be fine, Morty, relax. I whipped up and antidote. It's based on praying-mantis DNA. You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles, Morty. I mean, they they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner. I mean, it's a whole ritual. It's really gruesome and totally opposite. There's no love at all. I-i-i basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus. It should neutralize the whole thing, Morty. It'll all be over very shortly.
[Indistinct shouting]
Rick: Uh, by the way, Morty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having s*x with you. These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically.
Morty!
[All groaning]
Rick: Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Morty. A lot of people don't get that.
Jerry: [gasps]
[tires screech]
Come on. Are you kidding me?
Hello!
Morty!
You're not Morty!
Bring us Morty!
[Gun cocks]
Jerry: Nobody's killing me until after I catch my wife with another man.
I had s*x with Billy.
But you were already pregnant!
Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen?
We interrupt "pregnant baby" with breaking news.
Summer: [groans] Come on.
This just in: Morty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown.
Summer: What the hell?
The only thing that is known is... how cute he is.
I love him so much, I want to make love to him and then eat his head.
I love him more than you do, Harold!
You wish, you stupid bitch!
Morty's mine!
Morty's mine!
Meant to be together!
[Speaking Arabic]
Morty!
[Speaking Arabic]
[banging on door]
Where is Morty?
Summer: [screams]
[conversing in native language]
Morty: Oh, my god, Rick. The whole world is infected!
Rick: Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread. I've really outdone myself.
Morty: Outdone yourself?! W-w a-are are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have s*x with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards!
Rick: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. Mantises are they opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's a little more complicated than that. You know what, though, Morty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby. It's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur. Should add up to normal humanity.
Morty: I don't that doesn't make any sense, Rick. How does that add up to normal humanity?
Rick: What, Morty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry a-are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid?
[Exhales deeply] Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished.
Beth: Yes, it's satisfying work.
Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh it's more than the work.
I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world.
It's the only time I can really think... and feel.
[Slow music plays]
Beth: Hmm, uh, what are you doing?
I'm playing African dream pop.
What do you do after a long night?
[Click]
Beth: Oh, ha, um, hey, I b I'd better get going.
Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.
Beth...
Beth: What is it, Davin?
Just once, I'd like to know [sneezes]
...w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath.
Beth: What?!
What does Morty's skin smell like?
How soft... [grunts] How soft are his privates?
Beth: Let go of me, Davin!
[Glass shatters]
Davin: [roars] (Mutates into a mantis creature) Take me to Morty.
Jerry: [grunts as he kicks open the door] You're not Morty.
Jerry: (Turns on the lights, revealing that his clothes are now tattered and is armed with a crowbar) No. I'm Mr. Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar.
Davin: That's... stupid.
Jerry: [grunting while beating Davin to death with the crowbar] Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.
Beth: Jerry! Thank god!
Jerry: God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me.
Beth: Thank you, Jerry. Thank you.
Rick: Take a good look down there, Morty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal.
Morty: Just do it already.
Rick: Well, technically, Morty, there's no rush. I mean, you know, o-once it's fixed, it's done. It's fixed. You know, we could we could just enjoy it for a little bit. I mean, l-l-l-look at how crazy it is. I mean, Morty, w-w-when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? It's it's pretty neat. It's pretty interesting.
Morty: That's it, Rick! I'm pulling the lever.
[Grunts]
Rick: W-what do we have here, Morty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? I-i-i-i-i-i-i bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh?
I-i-i bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Morty.
Morty: Oh, Rick, something's not right.
Rick: [sighs] Yeah, you. You're not right ever.
Morty: No, no! Look, you idiot!
[All screaming]
[all speaking native language]
[all groaning]
[all ululating]
Rick: Bet you're loving this, Morty. This must be the best day of your life. You get to be the mayor of I told you town. [Slurps] You're welcome. [Slurps]
Jerry: Hold on.
Beth: [whimpers]
[engine revs, tires squeal]
(Jerry and Beth exit the car and kill several Cronenbergs with a machete and a shotgun)
Jerry: I wish that shotgun was my penis.
Beth: If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.
Jerry: I don't get it, and I don't need to.
[Both moaning]
Summer: Mom! Dad!
Both: Summer!
Beth: [sighs]
Jerry: Where's Morty?
Summer: I don't know. Do you think grandpa Rick had something to do with this?
Jerry: It's not fair to assume that, Summer.
Beth: Oh, not fair? Give me a break. He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother. A real man stands by his woman.
[Both moaning]
Summer: Tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo. Tchoo-tchoo.
Rick: Boy, Morty, I really Cronenberged the world up, didn't i? We got a whole planet of Cronenbergs walking around down there, Morty. A-at least they're not in love with you anymore, though. That's a huge step in the right direction.
Morty: Oh, my god! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick?
Rick: Me irresponsible?! You all I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Morty! You're the one who wanted to be wanted me to buckle down and make you up a... roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school. I mean, g w-w-w-w-w w are you kidding me, Morty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? Y-y-y-y-you're a little creep, Morty. Y-you're a you're you're you're just a little creepy... creep person.
Morty: All right, fine. I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum. I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick. But I'll tell you something you know what? You got to accept your part of the blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who who who who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of Cronenbergs! You got to fix this, Rick!
Rick: All right, all right, Morty. You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking. Here, Morty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
[Birds chirping]
Morty: Wow, Rick, I got to say you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time. I mean, i-i really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it y-y-you you you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do.
Whoo!
That's some great luck.
Rick: Come on, Morty. Luck had nothing to do with it. I'm great. That's the real reason. Now, Morty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic defibulizer?
Morty: Sure thing, Rick. Here's a screwdriver.
Rick: All right, Morty.
Thank you very much.
We got one screw turn... and two screw turns... and...(The defibulizer promptly explodes, violently killing Rick and Morty. A portal opens and Rick and Morty step through) all right, Morty, here we are.
Morty: Oh, my god, Rick! Is that us?! W-w-w-we're dead! What is going on, Rick? I'm freaking out!
Rick: Calm down, Morty!
Look at me! Calm down, Morty!
Morty: No, I can't deal with this!
Rick: Calm yourself, Morty.
Morty: I can't deal with this, Rick!
Rick: Calm down, Morty.
Morty: This can't be real!
Rick: You got to calm down, Morty.
Morty: W-w-w-w-we're ripped apart!
Rick: Shut up and listen to me! It's fine. Everything is fine. There's an infinite number of realities, Morty, and in a few dozen of those, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal. I just had to find one of those realities in which we also happen to both die around this time. Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine. We're not skipping a beat, Morty. Now, help me with these bodies.
Morty: This is insane.
Rick: Look, Morty, I'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, t-t-t-that seems fair to me I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up.
Morty: Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
Rick: What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don't think about it. It's not like we can do this every week, anyways. We get three or four more of these, tops. Now, pick up your dead self and come on. Haste makes waste. I-i-i don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, if I hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.
♪ look on down from the bridge ♪ ♪ there's still fountains down there ♪ ♪ look on down from the bridge ♪ ♪ it's still raining up here ♪ ♪ everybody seems so far away from me ♪ ♪ everybody just wants to be free ♪ ♪ look away from the sky ♪ ♪ it's no different when you're leaving home ♪ ♪ I can't be the same thing to you now ♪ ♪ I'm just gone ♪ ♪ just gone ♪ ♪ how could I say goodbye? ♪ ♪ how could I say goodbye? ♪
Summer: You know, the thing about a shark... he's got lifeless eyes... black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the the blood, and the red, and the water...
Jerry: [sighs] You ever wonder what happened to Rick and Morty?
Beth: Sometimes. But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.
Rick: Here we are, Cronenberg Morty a reality where everyone in the world got genetically Cronenberged. We'll fit right in, Cronenberg Morty. It'll be like we never even left Cronenberg world.
Morty: Yeah, Cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss Cronenberg world, because everyone was Cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, i-i wish we hadn't genetically ruined Cronenberg world beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.
Rick: Don't you worry about that sort of thing, Cronenberg Morty. Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?