|This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Rick Potion No. 9." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.|
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[Open ext. Harry Herpson High School]
[Trans. int. Harry Herpson High School hallway]
(Morty is standing at his locker.)
Principal Vagina: (over the intercom, while the students talk) Principal Vagina here, don't let the name fool you, I'm very much in charge, reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don't know how many times I have to say this but if you have the flu, stay home, the flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don't bring dead babies to Passover.
(Morty watches Jessica with her friends at a nearby locker)
Jessica's friend: (to Jessica) Hey.
Morty: Ohhh. Okay, here we go. * walks over to Jessica and her friends* (Nervously) H-Heyy Jessica, ughh.
Jessica: What's up Morty? *sneezes*
Brad: *butts in* What are you doing?
Brad: Wait, wait, Were you about to talk... to her?
Morty: Well, I mean, I was thinking about it.
Brad: Dude, Stay in your league! Look at how hot she is! You don't see me going to a bigger school, in a wealthier district and hittin' on their prettiest girl!
Jessica: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks, Brad.
(Jessica and Brad walk away)
Brad: I throw balls far. You want good words, date a languager.
(Morty stands at the locker alone and looks down in disappointment)
[Trans. ext. The Smith's house]
[Trans. int. The Smith's kitchen]
(Jerry is making a sandwich and talking to Morty at the counter)
Jerry: Eh, Try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.
Morty: (Plays with a cookie in sadness) You're missing the point, Dad. I don't want girls, I want Jessica!
Jerry: Ahhh, well, (gets another jar of sauce out of the cupboard) I remember feeling that way about a young lady named your mom, and that's not an urban dis, your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her, I thought...
Rick: (enters and interrupts Jerry) I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me. (grabs a glass from a cupboard)
Jerry: I beg your pardon, Rick, INAPPROPRIATE. (points to Morty)
Rick: (grabs ice from out of the freezer)(sarcastically) Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. (gets juice out of the refrigerator) I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy, Morty, his marriage is hanging from a thread.
Jerry: (Angrily) My marriage is fine, thank you.
(Rick walks towards Jerry)
Rick: Jerry, it's your house, whatever you say it is is how it is, (pours juice into the glass) but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.
Morty: Come on, Rick, don't talk about my parents like that.
(Rick walks around counter, to Morty)
Rick: Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. (exits room, drinking juice)
(Jerry walks next to Morty)
Morty: (In woe) Alright, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance. (exits kitchen)
Jerry: Yeah, I'm just going to...check on your mom. (exits opposite direction)
[Trans. ext. The Smith's house]
[Trans. int. The Smith's garage]
(Rick is working on a machine, on his desk, as Morty enters, in his suit)
Rick: (With his back to Morty) Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? *Morty closes door* I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Morty. It's gonna be great.
Morty: Hey, listen, Rick. You know how you said that, you know... love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? (walks to Rick at his desk) Well, I was thinkn', you know, www... could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort of thing, you know, like maybe make some sort of love potion or something?
Rick: Morty, that's such a poor use of my time, it's beneath me. Hand me the screwdriver. (points to the shelf)
Morty: (Angrily) YOU KNOW WHAT, NO RICK! I'M NOT GONNA HAND YOU THE SCREWDRIVER! Uh, I'm never gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick. (Rick gets up and grabs a box of supplies from the shelf) I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing. Www...what about me, Rick? Www... why can't you just help me out once, once, for once?
Rick: *sighs* You're growing up fast, Morty. You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass! (grabs some test tubes with yellow liquid and holds one up) Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. You know what a VOLE is, Morty, you know what a vole is?
(Morty shakes his head as Rick walks away from the shelf)
Rick: It's a, it's a rodent that mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical release in the mammal's brain, (sets down the box of objects, opens a hatch in a machine, and pours the oxytocin in) ...that makes it fall in love. Alright Morty, I just gotta *burps* combine it with some of your DNA.
Morty: Oh well, okay... (zips down his fly)
Rick: A hair, Morty, I need one of your hairs! This isn't Game Of Thrones. (plucks hair from Morty's head)
(Rick drops the hair in the machine and closes the hatch) (The machine vibrates and makes noises, then pours an orange liquid into a conical flask, much like a coffee machine)
Rick: (grabs the flask containing the orange liquid) Alright, Morty, whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever. Ya happy now, Morty?
(Rick hands the potion to Morty, and walks away)
Morty: Heck yeah! Thank you, Grandpa Rick! (walks to the door, but thinks about it and looks back) Hey there's no dangers or anything or side effects, right?
Rick: Www.. what am I, a hack?! Go nuts, Morty, it's full proof.
(Morty leaves the garage as Rick works on the ionic defibulizer some more)
Rick: Ugh, unless she has the flu. (shrugs it off)
[Trans Beth and Jerry's room]
(Beth is typing on the computer, while Jerry is sadly sitting on their bed)
Jerry: Beth, do you still love me?
Beth: *sighs* Want kinda question is that?
Jerry: The "yes" or "no" kind. *weak laugh of obviousness*
Beth: Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes?
Beth: Are you gonna build them?
Beth: Then what good was the "yes"?
Jerry: (walks to Beth at the computer)(confused) Wait, iii... is loving me the house or the homeless people?
Beth: (Turns around to Jerry)(Irritated) Loving you is work, Jerry, hard work, like building a homeless shelter. Nobody want to say "no" to doing it, but some people put the work in. So what do ya say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me?
Jerry: Sort of.
Beth: But I obviously sort of love you, don't I? *alert on Beth's phone* So stop asking and maybe I'll love you more. (looks at her phone) Crap, They need me at the horse hospital.
(Beth gets up and grabs her jacket at the door)
Jerry: This late?
Beth: (puts on her jacket) The racetrack had a starlit derby, there's a seven horse collision, and Davin's there alone. (leaves the room, leaving Jerry alone)
Jerry: (In his head)(Progressively angrier) *Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin, Davin*
[Trans. ext. Herry Herpson High School, Gymnasium entrance]
(Dressed up students walk inside in pairs, a large banner reads "FLU SEASON DANCE" over the doors)
[Trans int. Flu Season Dance inside Gymnasium]
(Morty happily walks passed many students eating and dancing, a band plays Flu Hatin' Rap in the background)
Band Vocalist / MC Haps: (Background) Flu. Yo, you gotta be aware. Aware about the flu, up in the air. Imma get me a shot and make the flu go away. Flu hatin' rappers just rappin' away. Yo. Yo. Flu hatin' rapper. It's a flu hatin' rap....This is about flu awareness. Gotta be aware of the flu in the airness. Yo, I'm a flu hatin' rapper. My name is MC Haaaaaaaaaaps- Haps Yeah, I'm MC Haps, I'm a flu hatin' rapper, yo......
(Morty sees Jessica and her friends, he takes out a vial of the potion and pours it onto his hand, he then approaches them)
Morty: Hey there, Jessica. (Pretends to trip, wiping the potion on Jessica's arm) Whooa-whoopsie!
(Jessica turns around and becomes infected, falling in love with Morty)
Jessica:(infected) Omigod, Morty. You look REALLY nice tonight.
Morty: WOW, thanks!
(Jessica pulls Morty close to her breasts)
Jessica:(infected) I love you, Morty. I love you so much it burns!
Morty: Oh man. I love you too, Jessica! (Brad walks passed with a drink, he overhears)
Brad: (outraged) *spits* Is this punk bothering you, Jessica?(shoves Morty)
Jessica: (Infected) LEAVE HIM ALONE, JERK! (pulls Morty away) I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! HE'S MORE MAN THEN YOU WILL EVER BE! *sneezes*
(Jessica sneezes infected bacteria into Brad's mouth) (You can more promptly hear the band's rap as the green spheres of bacteria spread throughout Brad's body, through his blood and nerves)
Brad: (infected) Aw man, Morty, ugh, I'm really sorry.
Morty: Oh, well, no problem Brad.
Brad: (hugs Morty)(infected) There's somethin' special bout you, somethin' special. (squeezes Morty's butt and back)
Morty: (pushes Brad away) Whoa, take it easy!
Jessica: (grabs Morty's left arm)(infected) GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF HIM!
Brad: (grabs Morty's right arm)(infected) BACK OFF I'M TRYING TO BE WITH MY MAN!
(Brad and Jessica quarrel over Morty)
Principal Vagina: (Stops the fight, pulling Brad back, aided with Mr. Goldenfold) That's enough Bradley. We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
(Principal Vagina and Mr. Goldenfold drag Brad away)
Brad: (disappointment)(infected) Oh, Principal Vagina.
(Jessica takes Morty away, grasping his head)
Jessica: (infected) Never leave me, Morty, NEVER.
(Morty and Jessica hold each other) (Nearby students begin to watch)
Morty: (confused) Uh, sure. I mean, of course not. What do you think that was all about?
Jessica: (infected) Who cares? Just hold me.
(Trans. Principal Vagina and Mr. Goldenfold dragging distraught Brad outside of the gym)
Brad: (infected) LET ME GO!!! I LOVE YOU MORTY! *sneeze, sneeze* (exits the gym)
(Brad sneezes infected bacteria into a nearby punch bowl, then again into a vent) *suspenseful music*
[Trans. ext. Smith House]
Jerry: (V.O.) She's gonna be alone with that guy all night.
[Trans. Smith Living Room]
Summer: Yeah, Dad, digging around the inside of horses. It's not a very romantic setting.