|This is a transcribed copy for the episode "Tales From the Citadel." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.|
|Previous: "Rest and Ricklaxation"||Next: "Morty's Mind Blowers"|
[Open Ext. Smith Residence]
[Trans. Int. Rick’s Garage]
Rick: Alright, Morty. You ready for our adventure to the lost city of Atlantis?
Morty: *gives a thumbs-up* Ready as I’ll ever be, Rick!
(A portal opens behind them. Rick and Morty K-22 enter.)
Rick: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Rick K-22: *holding clipboard* Hello, I’m Rick K-22. This is my Morty. (Morty K-22 waves.) We’re going from reality to reality, asking Ricks to contribute to the Citadel of Ricks redevelopment fund.
Rick: What are you, stupid? We’re done with the Citadel of Ricks. I was *burp* never on board with it in the first place, that’s why I murdered everyone in charge and left it to rot.
Rick K-22: *examines clipboard* Ohhh. That was you. *passes clipboard to his Morty*
Morty: They tried to murder him first.
Morty K-22: Oh geez. Well, you’ll be happy to know that... the Council’s gone now.
Morty: Yeah, he knows. He murdered them.
Rick K-22: You wanna rein in your Morty?
Rick: *glaring* Every day.
Morty K-22: *reading from script* The Citadel of Ricks redevelopment fund donates--
Rick K-22: *interrupts* Morty, he’s not gonna *belch* donate. You’re pitching the policeman’s ball to a black teenager here. *pulls out his portal gun and shoots a new portal* Let’s go.
(Morty K-22 waves and walks through the portal.)
Rick: You don’t have to be a dick.
Rick K-22: I think you know that’s not true.
(Rick K-22 also exits through the portal, which disappears.)
Morty: Geez. I didn’t know there were still Ricks and Mortys living on the Citadel. I wonder what their day-to-day lives are like.
Rick: *straps harpoon gun to his back* Well, you can keep wondering that while we go on our fun, fresh, self-contained adventure to Atlantis. *shoots a portal* Anyone continuing to explore the Citadel is either stupid, or one of the unfortunate millions held hostage by their terrible ideas.
(Rick exits through the portal.)
Morty: Man. Glad I’m not one of them!
(Morty fixes his scuba gear and runs through the portal after Rick.)
[Trans. Ext. Citadel of Ricks]
(“In the City” by Joe Walsh plays)
[Title: Rick and Morty/Tales from the Citadel]
[Trans. Int. Citadel]
(We’re shown a montage. The Citadel, still undergoing construction after the damages from the events of “The Rickshank Rickdemption”, is full of damaged buildings and roadways. Cars, both flying and standard, are traveling.)
(A large crowd of Ricks with Mortys interspersed throughout walks down a street.)
(Ricks work in a construction crew, rebuilding damaged structures.)
(Campaign Manager Morty pays for coffee and exits Cafe Sanchez. He tries to hail a cab, which passes him up and picks up a Rick in a business suit.)
[Int. Shooting range]
[Int. Morty Academy]
(Many Ricks are commuting to work. They all pull out flasks and take a drink at the same time. Rick J-22 looks out the window and sees a wealthy Rick in a flying car, enjoying sardines and champaign. He sighs.)
(Music fades out)
[Trans. Citadel Morning News]
Rick (voiceover): Citadel Morning News: News about the Citadel in the morning. Pretty self explanatory.
[Int. News room]
(Rick 0716 and Rick 0716-B anchor at the desk.)
Rick D716-B: Good morning. I’m Rick D716-B.
Rick D716: And I’m Rick D716.
Rick D716-B: Must be nice.
Rick D716: Coming up! Gravity outages in East Sanchez Heights!
Rick D716-B: And, is your uranium-powered cellular matrix making you sick? The answer may not surprise you. It’s ‘yes, it’s uranium.’
Rick D716: Those stories and more after this break.
[Commercial for Simple Rick’s]
(A young Rick works in his garage as pleasant music plays.)
Narrator: Sixteen iterations off the central finite curve, there’s a Rick that works more with wood than polarity plating.
Narrator: His name is Simple Rick, but he’s no dummy.
(View from a handheld video camera. Simple Rick films Beth blowing out candles on her birthday cake.)
Narrator: He realized long ago that the greatest thing he’d ever create was his daughter.
Young Beth: I love Daddy!
(Simple Rick smiles and cries happily.)
Narrator: We captured that moment and run it on a loop through Simple Rick’s mind.
(Simple Rick, aged up, sits in his seat at the wafer factory, the above scene playing on a helmet in a loop. He’s attached to machinery that collects happy secretions from his brain.)
Narrator: And the chemical that makes his brain secrete goes into every Simple Rick’s Simple Wafer Cookie. (Said wafer is displayed on-screen.) Come home to the impossible flavor of your own completion. Come home to Simple Rick’s.
[Trans. News room]
(The broadcast resumes.)
Rick D716: Just one day remains before our newly democratic Citadel elects its first president. It’s anyone’s race among the Rick candidates.
Rick D716-B: But a certain other candidate should be getting at least one vote for most adorable.
(Candidate Morty visits hospitalized Mortys for photo ops.)
Rick D716 (voiceover): That’s right, the Morty Party candidate’s still in the race, and you just gotta love him for that.
(Candidate Morty stands outside a van, waving to press.)
Rick D716 (voiceover): Here you see him in his little Morty suit, waving. Isn’t that adorable? Little jackass.
(Candidate Morty gives a speech to a crowd of Mortys in front of a commemorative Morty statue.)
Rick D716-B (voiceover): Uh, yeah, I think we actually have the audio for his speech here. “Aw geez, aw man, I’m gonna lose the election and stuff.”
(Cuts back to the newsroom. Both Ricks are laughing.)
[Int. Morty campaign headquarters]
(The Morty campaign is watching the news report. Campaign Manager Morty turns off the TV.)
Campaign Manager Morty: We had a good run, sir, but I think it’s time to pull out of the race.
Candidate Morty: I feel pretty confident about tonight’s debate.
Campaign Manager Morty: You shouldn’t, sir. You should be terrified.
Candidate Morty: Maybe you should find a little faith, young man.
(Candidate Morty walks away and Campaign Manager Morty calls after him.)
Campaign Manager Morty: You don’t pay me to have faith! And we’re the same age!
[Trans. Morty Pride Parade]
(A parade of Mortys marches down the street. Many Mortys hold signs. There are a few Ricks among the spectators. Cop Rick watches from outside Cafe Sanchez, drinking a coffee. A police cruiser pulls up, nearly hitting two Mortys who run out of the way just in time. It stops in front of Cop Rick and the passenger window rolls down, revealing Cop Morty behind the wheel.)
Cop Rick: Oh! S-sorry, I was expecting--
Cop Morty: A Rick partner? Lesson one, rookie: expect the unexpected. Now get in.
(Cop Rick climbs into the passenger seat. Cop Morty starts the cruiser and drives slowly as they approach a cluster of Mortys. One Morty jumps against the hood of the car.)
Morty: Mortys are human!
Cop Morty: Get the fuck off the car, you Rickless fuckin’ animal! (He pulls a lever and the car sends a taser shock through Morty, who falls aside.)
Morty: WHOA!! (The Mortys disperse and Cop Morty resumes driving.)
Cop Morty: The election’s got these yellow shirts more riled up than a Picture Day Jessica.
Cop Rick: That’s pretty harsh, sir.
Cop Morty: So report me. Nobody gives a fuck.
Cop Rick: Look, I’m just saying. Makes me a little sad to hear a Morty cop calling Mortys “animals”.
Cop Morty: Well, it makes me sad to see another Rick cop buying into his sensitivity training.
Cop Rick: Well, I’m glad to know there’s more like me.
Cop Morty: Oh, there was one. Why do you think that seat was empty?
(A holographic Rick appears on the dashboard.)
Dispatch: Robbery at Fifth and *BURP* Avenue.
Cop Rick: Fifth and *BURP*? That’s Mortytown.
Cop Morty: (to dispatch) Unit 7 responding.
(They drive away. As they do, Cop Morty tasers an innocent bystander Morty with the cruiser.)
[Trans. Ext. Morty Academy]
Teacher Rick: (spoken inside) "Good idea, Rick."
Students: (all together) Good idea, Rick.
(Teacher Rick teaches his students of different Mortys to repeat his words correctly.)
Teacher Rick: "This is a great adventure."
Students: This is a great adventure.
Teacher Rick: "I love being your new Morty."
Students: I love being your new Mor...
Slick: (substituting for the word Morty) Farty!
(Slick and the other students laugh. Teacher Rick approaches his desk.)
Teacher Rick: Very amusing, Mr. Smith. Almost as amusing as when your first Rick was decapitated on Zorpathion 9. (Slick’s smug face becomes downcast.) Or was that your third Rick? How many Ricks have you had?
Teacher Rick: I see. So you are top of the class in something. (All the Mortys besides Slick laugh.) Tomorrow you will be transferred to your new Ricks. Hopefully, they will be your last. Yes, Slow Ri-- Tall Morty?
Tall Morty: Di-Did I gragitate this time yet?
Teacher Rick: Anything’s possible, Tall Morty. Ugh…
Lizard Morty: Guess we won’t be seein’ each other after this, huh?
Slick: I say we make our last day count. I say… we go to the Wishing Portal.
Glasses Morty: That’s a myth.
Fat Morty: It’s not a myth! M-m-my first Rick’s fourth Morty knew a Rick whose Morty went there.
Lizard Morty: If we’re not here for graduation, our butts are gonna end up in Mortytown.
Slick: I thought your last Rick fused you with a lizard, not a chicken.
Lizard Morty: Okay, fine. I’m in.
Glasses Morty: Me too.
(Slick, Glasses, and Fat Morty put their hands together. Lizard Morty sticks his tongue on top.)
Fat Morty: What the hell?
Lizard Morty: *retracts tongue* I-I thought I saw a fly.
[Trans. Simple Rick’s Wafer Cookie Factory]
(Various Factory Drone Ricks stand in position on an assembly line, processing the wafer cookies. Rick J-22’s job is to stamp each wafer with the Simple Rick’s logo. Suddenly an alarm blares, and the workers all look up to where Supervisor Rick is standing.)
Supervisor Rick: *whistles* Listen up, fucknuts! I’ve been your supervisor for five years but all shitty things must come to an end, and I have been promoted to regional manager. (Factory Ricks cheer unenthusiastically.) Yeah, I feel the same way. May we never meet again. Of course that makes the position of Supervisor available. (Rick J-22 looks hopeful.) So as of next week, the ass you’ll be kissing will be that of… (Rick J-22 smiles) K-83, (He frowns again) affectionately known as “Cool Rick.”
(Cool Rick walks up and flips the workers off.)
Cool Rick: I know I’m new to the Citadel and some of you might not think I’ve put in my time, but what can I say? I’m Cool Rick! *finger guns* Yo, ha-ha-ha, check me out!
Supervisor Rick: Alright, knuckle-*burp*-heads, any questions? (Rick J-22 raises his hand.) Alright then, back to work, you gold-Rickers.
(Supervisor Rick and Cool Rick walk away. The assembly line restarts.)
(The cop cruiser goes down the streets of Mortytown, where out-and-down Mortys view it with suspicion.)
Cop Morty: No Ricks, no families, high off their asses and runnin’ amok. Mortys are raised to be sidekicks. Without a side to kick, they just start kickin’.
[Ext. Morty Mart]
(Morty Mart Morty speaks to Cop Rick and Cop Morty about the robbery. Cop Rick takes down notes. Behind Morty Mart Morty is a purple Morty with an elephant-like trunk mopping the floor.)
Morty Mart Morty: They were, they were about my height, around fourteen years old… OH! Their shirts were yellow!
Cop Morty: *sarcastically* Yeah, make sure you get that down.
Cop Rick: Any mutations? Augmentations? Three eyes, a tail, maybe a buzzcut?
Morty Mart Morty: No, just four normal Mortys.
Purple Trunk Morty: *feels annoyed* "Normal"?
Morty Mart Morty: *talks back to Purple Morty* Put it in your blog.
Cop Morty: *looking at two Mortys in a nearby alley* Lemme turn over a few rocks.
(Cop Morty approaches the two street Mortys as they spraypaint the alley wall.)
Cop Morty: Aw geez, hey, what’s goin’ on, fellas?
Morty 1: Aw geez, man, nothin’ man, we’re just hangin’ out and stuff.
Cop Morty: I hear that, ah geez, I guess I’m supposed to be figuring out who robbed the store across the street but aw geez I dunno.
Morty 2: *smirking* Ah geez man, that sucks that your Rick’s makin’ you do that.
Cop Morty: *angered* He’s not my Rick. He’s my partner. Aw, geez.
Morty 1: Well, maybe the uniform makes a big difference. Who am I to say? To me, you just look like a sidekick.
(Cop Morty snaps in a fit of rage and pins Morty 1 to the wall, shoving a large gun in his mouth.)
Cop Morty: CALL ME A SIDEKICK ONE MORE TIME! CALL ME A SIDEKICK!!
Morty 2: Hey man! C’mon, aw geez!
(Cop Rick looks on, seemingly uncertain what to do.)
Cop Morty: WANNA SEE HOW I PAINT A WALL?!
Morty 2: It was the Mortytown Locos, man! The Mortytown Locos!
(Cop Morty releases Morty 1. Both street Mortys flee. Cop Morty walks back to the cruiser.)
Cop Rick: Do you realize how many codes you just violated?
Cop Morty: Aw geez, Rick. What do I know about knowin’ stuff? Get in the fucking car.
[Trans. Presidential Debate]
(The five Rick candidates and Candidate Morty stand at podiums.)
Retired General Rick: More lasers.
Moderator Rick: You can take more time to answer the question if you’d like.
(Retired General Rick remains silent for a long beat. Moderator Rick crosses his list and moves on.)
Moderator Rick: ...Okay, Juggling Rick. How would you solve the Citadel’s financial crisis?
Juggling Rick: First off, can I just say that I think this Citadel is the greatest in the entire multiverse. Now, I believe the answer to your question has three parts. (He reveals he’s holding three balls.) First, education spending must get muuuch higher! *starts tossing one ball*
[Int. Behind the scenes]
(Behind the scenes, Campaign Manager Morty watches the debate on a screen.)
Juggling Rick: But it has to be balanced with defense! *starts juggling all three balls* Whoa!
Campaign Manager Morty: Can we fact-check this, please? Never mind, who am I kidding? This race is over.
Juggling Rick: *now juggling three balls and a chainsaw, he catches them all gracefully* And that’s how you run a Citadel. *bows*
(Ricks and Mortys in the audience cheer.)
Moderator Rick: Candidate Morty. The number of displaced Mortys is soaring, while Rick satisfaction levels are plummeting, and the divide between the two groups has never been wider. *smirks* Solve that one real quick.
(The audience laughs, but Candidate Morty looks calm.)
Candidate Morty: I don’t see a divide between Ricks and Mortys.
Retired General Rick: Oh, shocker. *farts*
Reverse Rick Outrage: I’d like to offer a rebuttal. *farts*
Rick Guilt Rick: Gentlemen, gentlemen! I think we can all agree on one thing. *farts twice* Well, came out as two things, but you get the idea.
(All laugh but Candidate Morty.)
Candidate Morty: You guys finished? (Continues his speech.) The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go.
(Candidate Morty’s voice can be heard as other scenes are shown.)
Candidate Morty: I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we’re all the same because they’re threatened by what makes us unique.
(Slick, Glasses, Lizard, and Fat Morty sneak out of the school through a window.)
Candidate Morty: I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we’re too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice.
(Cop Rick and Cop Morty drive up to see one of the Mortytown Locos walking into an alleyway. Cop Morty slides the top of his laser gun.)
Candidate Morty: I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss’s salary, even though they’re identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel’s problem isn’t homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks.
(Rick J-22 works at his post in the wafer factory, but becomes enraged, breaks off a piece of machinery to use as a weapon, and enters Supervisor Rick’s office, where he’s watching the debate. He shoots Supervisor Rick to death. Rick J-22 then sees numerous Ricks witness his actions through the office window.)
Candidate Morty: The Citadel’s problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel’s debt.
Rick J-22: Holy shit. (As the alarm rings, he runs out of the office and enters the Flavor Core chamber.)
Rick Worker: He's headed for the Flavor Core!
(Rick J-22 puts the chamber on lockdown and activates a red force field-like barrier around the chamber. He then encounters Simple Rick in front of him, slumping down on the floor.)
Candidate Morty: But I’ve got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message… from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don’t: you are outnumbered!
(Debate audience bursts into applause.)
Campaign Manager Morty: Holy shit. (Candidate Morty walks backstage.) I don’t believe it! I-I can’t believe it!
Candidate Morty: I know. *puts a hand on his shoulder* That’s why you’re fired. *walks away*
(Campaign Manager Morty looks downcast. He’s approached by Juggling Rick.)
Juggling Rick: Sounds like you’re looking for work. I can offer you a very enticing compensation package. *sets down bag and unzips it, pulling out three juggling clubs* First, let’s talk benefits.
[Trans. Int. Flavor core]
(Rick J-22 paces in the chamber he shares with Simple Rick while a Rick SWAT team stands outside.)
Simple Rick: *mumbling to self* Daddy loves you… That’s Daddy’s good girl.
Rick J-22: *to Simple Rick* Your life is a lie, man. *to police* All your lives are lies! Don’t you get it?! They told us we were special because we were Ricks, but they stripped us of anything that made us unique!
Negotiator Rick: *through megaphone* We know how you feel. We’re working stiff Ricks just like you, but our assembly line is justice. What are your demands?
Rick J-22: *burp* I-I-I want a portal gun. Unregistered, untraceable, with enough fluid to take me off this goddamn prison!
SWAT Team Rick: The media’s outside.
Negotiator Rick: Well, keep ‘em there!
[Trans. Ext. Simple Rick’s Wafer Cookie factory]
(CN correspondent Rick D716-C reports on the scene.)
Rick D716-C: Anyway, so yeah, the suspect says the Citadel is a lie, built on lies, and some other shit. (Now sharing the screen with Rick D716 and Rick D716-B.) I say, appreciate the life you have, because it can always be worse. Back to you, Ricks.
Rick D716: Thank you, Rick 716-C. *mumbling to D716-B* That fuckin’ guy.
Rick D716-B: Tell me about it.
Rick D716: Ahem. Meanwhile, in election news, an unexpected turn of events as Morty from the Morty Party soars to the top of the polls.
[Trans. Press conference]
(Candidate Morty approaches a podium while reporter Ricks call out to him.)
Candidate Morty: Yes?
Reporter Rick: Morty! What’s your original reality and where’s your Rick?
Candidate Morty: Gosh. We moved around so much it’s hard to remember. I see every Rick as my Rick.
(The press conference is on the bar TV. Campaign Manager Morty watches.)
Candidate Morty: I hope they see me as their Morty.
Campaign Manager Morty: *holding glass* Another, please, with less water.
Bartender Morty: *fixing a new drink* Hey, cheer up, pal! A Morty’s gonna be president. *gestures to TV* Imagine this kisser gettin’ blamed for everything!
(Bartender Morty walks away. Campaign Manager Morty takes a drink.)
Campaign Manager Morty: I guess I shoulda had more faith.
(Investigator Rick is sitting a few seats down the bar.)
Investigator Rick: It’s not faith you need. It’s fear.
(Investigator Rick takes out a dossier from inside his trenchcoat and slides it over to Morty, who takes it uncertainly.)
Campaign Manager Morty: What’s this?
Investigator Rick: *drains his glass* It’s secrets. Wh-wh-what do you think it is? *Gets up and walks away* Look at how I’m dressed.
Rick Reporter (on TV): Taking on the system like this, are you afraid at all for your safety?
(Campaign Manager Morty pulls out the documents in the dossier and looks them over.)
Candidate Morty (on TV): I’d rather live in hope than fear. (Campaign Manager Morty looks shocked at the documents, then looks up at the TV.) If I had to fear anything, I’d fear other people being afraid. Of fear. Itself.
[Trans. Int. Mortytown Locos hideout]
(The Mortytown Locos sit around a TV watching the press conference while their Rick prepares bootleg portal fluid in a setup similar to a meth lab.)
Candidate Morty (on TV): But no, I’m not afraid.
Mortytown Loco: Hey Rick, man, when there’s a Morty president, you gonna lick my balls or what?
(Other Mortys laugh.)
Bootleg Rick: Shit, grandson, you keep me peelin’ squap-squams and slippin’ nib-nibs I’ll lick whatever ain’t nailed down.
(Mortytown locos laugh and high-five. Suddenly the front door is kicked in. Cop Morty and Cop Rick enter with guns drawn.)
Cop Rick: Hands in the air!
(All the Mortys stand and raise their hands.)
Mortytown Loco: What the hell, man? What the hell in hell?
(Cops enter the building, guns still drawn.)
Cop Morty: You guys doin’ a little chemistry homework with Grandpa?
Cop Rick: Is this what I think it is?
Cop Morty: Bootleg portal fluid.
(Bootleg Rick grabs his portal gun and tries to escape, but upon making contact with the faulty portal, he disintigrates.)
Cop Morty: Guess his math was off. Search the place.
(Cop Rick goes further into the building while Cop Morty subdues the Mortytown Locos. Rick enters a bedroom with his gun drawn only to encounter a weeping Psychopath Morty.)
Psychopath Morty: A-Are you… m-my new… Rick?
(Cop Rick lowers his gun and approaches Morty.)
Cop Rick: It’s okay, Morty.
(He picks up Psychopath Morty to carry him to safety. Psychopath Morty pulls out a blade and stabs Rick in the shoulder. Cop Rick falls to his knees and shoots Psychopath Morty. Cop Morty runs to the room.)
Cop Morty: Jesus!
Cop Rick: He stabbed me! He got me bad, Morty.
Cop Morty: *approaches Rick and kneels down beside him* Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay.
Cop Rick: You were right… *cough* Everything I learned in the academy was--
Cop Morty: It doesn’t matter. *helps Rick to his feet* Nothing’s wrong with putting your faith in a Morty. You just gotta pick the right one.
Cop Rick: Why is there a crib in here?
Cop Morty: Just somethin’ they do to make you feel bad.
(In the front room, the Mortytown Locos have their hands cuffed and legs shackled.)
Cop Rick: Boy, I got us knee-deep in paperwork, huh?
Cop Morty: Go to the car and grab a MediPack. Lemme worry about this.
(Cop Rick goes outside to treat his stab wound. Cop Morty walks out of the building moments later as it disintegrates in a greenish blast, killing the Mortys inside. Cop Morty gets to the cruiser.)
Cop Rick: What happened?
Cop Morty: Same old story. Mortys killing Mortys.
(Morty gets in the car. Rick stands pensively by the wreckage.)
[Trans. Megafruit Farm]
(Lizard Morty, who is top of a stack comprised of Glasses Morty, Slick and Fat Morty, carefully reaches for a dangling Megafruit.)
Lizard Morty: Almost... got it...
(A laser shot suddenly fires next to Lizard Morty and falls down with every Morty. A bearded farmer Rick holds a shotgun-like laser with his robot dog beside him.)
Farmer Rick: Hey, y'all get the hell away from my damn Megafruit!
(All Mortys start running away from Farmer Rick and his robot dog.)
Farmer Rick: Sic 'em, boy! *his robot dog gives chase; the four Mortys tumble down into a river* I don't wear this dangnap hat and commit to this rural character so you can eat for free while you come of age!
(The four Mortys have a campfire in the woods at night.)
Fat Morty: I bet the Wishing Portal leads to a reality where there... where all... where it's a bunch of French toast with boobies.
Lizard Morty: I bet it leads to a place where a bunch of fri-- flies everywhere! *Slick feels peevish*
Slick: Yeah, I bet it goes nowhere. I bet it's a big hole where the Citadel dumps all its broken dreams.
Fat Morty: Slick, why do ya have to be so dramatic?
Slick: *stands up* You wanna know why? *lifts his shirt to reveal a large barcode on his abdomen* Because of this! I'm part of an experimental line of Mortys with a trauma implant. How do you think it feels, Fat Morty, to know that no matter where I go, *Glasses Morty comes over to Slick as he sits back down feeling depressed* I'll always be the one that makes everybody sad and... a little bored? *Glasses Morty consoles Slick*
Glasses Morty: Slick, that implant isn't who you are, okay? You also roll up your sleeves. *they hug each other*
Fat Morty: I thought I was Left-Handed Morty.
Lizard Morty: Then you should use your left hand to eat more vegetables.
[Trans. Hard Rick Cafe]
(Outside the Hard Rick Cafe, Candidate Morty starts greeting crowds of different Ricks behind crowd control barriers on both sides with his bodyguard Ricks.)
Candidate Morty: Hey there. How you doing? Great to meet you. *greets a Plumber Rick*
Plumber Rick: I'm a plumber, sir! I-I'm a Rick and I'm a plumber!
Candidate Morty: That doesn't sound like Rick work. You didn't come to the Citadel to be a plumber, did you?
Plumber Rick: *laughs joyfully* I sure didn't, sir! *a blueshirt Rick carrying a Rick baby comes next to Plumber Rick*
Father Rick: Mr. Morty, Mr. Morty! *gives his baby Rick to him* I cloned myself so you can kiss me as a baby!
Candidate Morty: This is just like a Morty baby!
(Every Rick cheers as he kisses the Rick baby and giving him back to Father Rick. He then sees a very displeased Campaign Manager Morty behind the barrier.)
Candidate Morty: Hey! *they shake hands* Did you end up getting a new job?
Campaign Manager Morty: Yeah, I did. Assassinating you!
(Campaign Manager Morty holds up a laser pistol and shoots Candidate Morty in the chest. One bodyguard Rick shoots his Taser gun at Campaign Manager Morty, screaming horribly; the other tends to Candidate Morty as he starts bleeding profusely on the floor.)
Candidate Morty: I'm okay... I'm okay... I'm... *falls unconscious* Ohh...
[Trans. "The Creepy Morty"]
(Cop Morty and Cop Rick enter a strip club-like establishment filled with fully-clothed Mortys. A Morty wearing a bright blue builder's hat offers to Cop Rick.)
Builder Hat Morty: You look like you could use a good time! One dance for 10, two for 25!
Cop Rick: No thank you, and bad math. *see Bearded Morty enjoying Jeans Shorts Morty dancing*
Bearded Morty: Ha-ha, yeah! This is a good time!
Cop Rick: What is the place?
Cop Morty: "The Creepy Morty". What is it your kind's always saying? "Don't think about it." Come on. There's someone important I want you to meet.
(Cop Morty and Cop Rick go to a private table. They are greeted by a savvy-looking Morty with two large muscular Morty Bouncers keeping watch.)
Big Morty: Ah, Bubblah! How'd it go with the Mortytown Locos?
Cop Morty: They had a little accident. They won't be causing any trouble anymore.
Big Morty: Those were bad Mortys. Very bad Mortys. *snaps his finger, Morty Bouncer 2 gives an envelope to Cop Morty*
Cop Morty: Big Morty likes to contribute to keeping the peace in Mortytown. *takes out a wad of dollar bills* Think of him as a drug lord, and us his cops on his payroll. *throws bills to Cop Rick*
Cop Rick: Morty...
Morty Bouncers/Cop Morty: *all said at once* Which Morty?
Cop Rick: M-m-my partner. Morty, you're right. Mortytown is bad, but that doesn't mean that we have to be. *Cop Morty is shocked*
Big Morty: Hey, what's goin' on here, Morty?
Morty Bouncers: *both said at once* Which Morty?
Big Morty: The cop, morons.
Cop Morty: *nervously* Don't worry about Rick, Big Morty. He's new. He doesn't understand how it works.
Big Morty: That's what you said about your last partner. *Cop Rick feels suspicious about this*
Cop Morty: Wh-why would you say something like that, Big Morty? You're fucking things up for both of us here!
Big Morty: Wrong. He's fucking things up for both of you. Unless he takes the money. *both Morty Bouncers and Cop Morty stare at Cop Rick sceptically for a beat; Cop Rick turns to Big Morty*
Cop Rick: Big Morty, you're under arrest. *both Morty Bouncers take out their laser pistols*
Cop Morty: S-smartest man in the universe.
(Cop Morty uppercuts both Morty Bouncers, makes a run with Cop Rick. They both jump behind a table and take cover from Big Morty and his Bouncers firing lasers at them. Cop Morty shoots Morty Bouncer 1 through the head.)
Cowboy Morty: *drops his cowboy pistols* They're just props! Th-they're just props!
(Cop Rick shoots Morty Bouncer 2 through the head, launching his body onto the right seat. Cop Morty runs up and kicks Big Morty on the floor, pointing his gun to Big Morty's forehead.)
Cop Morty: Not so big now, are ya?
Big Morty: I never was! It was figurative! *Cop Rick aims at Cop Morty*
Cop Rick: That's enough!
Cop Morty: If we don't kill him, he'll talk!
Cop Rick: If you do, I'll talk. *Cowboy Morty talks out to the group by the strip pole*
Cowboy Morty: One thing's for sure: y-y'all don't have to worry about Cowboy Morty talkin'! This little cowpoke's gonna mosey up on outta here! *walks away, Cop Rick turns to Cop Morty*
Cop Rick: You told me to put my faith in the right Morty. I got faith in you, partner. Do the right thing. *Cop Morty pauses for a beat, starts crying tears down his face*
Cop Morty: Oh, Grandpa Rick! I don't wanna be on the Citadel anymore! I want to be a regular kid! I want to go to school and throw balls around and masturbate!
(Cop Rick lowers his laser gun down for a beat. Cop Morty shoots Big Morty's head and Cop Rick shoots Cop Morty's head immediately before he had a chance to shoot.)
[Trans. outside "The Creepy Morty"]
(Cop Rick steps outside "The Creepy Morty" before two police hovercars arrive at the scene. He surrenders himself with both knees on the ground and hands in the air.)
Cop Rick 2: The hell happened in there?
Cop Rick: Same old story. Ricks killing Mortys.
[Trans. Flavor Core]
(Negotiator Rick returns to the chamber, holding up a portal gun to Rick J-22.)
Negotiator Rick: Okay, man, okay! We got your portal gun.
(Rick J-22 uses the control panel and deactivates the red force field inside the chamber. A miniature portal pops next to Rick J-22 with Negotiator Rick's hand dropping the portal gun on the floor. Rick J-22 picks up the portal gun and examines it. He then shuts down the Simple Rick machine.)
Negotiator Rick: The hell's he doing? *Rick J-22 first removes the pink tube connecting behind the headgear and throws the headgear off of Simple Rick; he wakes up immediately*
Simple Rick: Wh-where am I?
Rick J-22: A bad place, but you're going to a better one soon.
SWAT Team Rick 1: *bangs other side of window* Hey! Hey! *Rick J-22 fires a portal next to Simple Rick*
Negotiator Rick: No, no, no, no--!! *Rick J-22 pushes Simple Rick into the portal and is instantly blended with a geyser of blood* Goddammit!!
Rick J-22: A portal to the Blender Dimension?! That's the oldest trick in the book! I'm a Rick! I'm more Rick than any of you!!
Negotiator Rick: Then you should know you just killed your only leverage!
Rick J-22: Then come and get me, motherfuckers!!
(Negotiator Rick and others cock their weapons; a SWAT Team Rick holds up a huge blowtorch to cut a door-like hole through the wall. He kicks into the chamber before another Rick intervenes.)
Purple Suit Rick: Stop! *he wears a purple suit with green under shirt and green tie, purple top hat, and carries a gold cane* I'm Rick D. Sanchez III, owner of this here wafer establishment, and I say that the Rick in there is right! He's more Rick than any of you.
SWAT Team Rick 2: He's a terrorist!
Rick D. Sanchez III: What Rick isn't? *walks into the chamber to greet Rick J-22* The Citadel was founded by Ricks for Ricks to be free. *taps Rick J-22's head with his cane* What's your name, young man?
Rick J-22: Rick. And I'm--
Rick D. Sanchez III: Same age as me, I know. How long have worked here?
Rick J-22: Fifteen years.
Rick D. Sanchez III: What the hell have we become? *turns to the SWAT Team Ricks* Whatever time you were going to make him serve, he served it. It ends now! *walks up to Rick J-22* Come with me, friend.
Rick J-22: Where are we going?
Rick D. Sanchez III: To your new life, which starts with walking the fuck out of here.
[Trans. Assembly Line]
(Rick D. Sanchez III takes Rick J-22 along the main assembly line.)
Rick Worker: Yo, J-22! Give 'em hell!
(All Worker Ricks cheer as Rick D. Sanchez III walks along with Rick J-22 down the assembly line. The Simple Rick's commercial music starts playing with Rick J-22 waving back and crying tears of joy.)
Narrator: There's a Rick who held a factory hostage after murdering his boss and several co-workers. The factory made cookies, flavored him with lies.
(Outside the factory, Rick D. Sanchez III presents his fancy purple hover-convertible and gives his car keys to Rick J-22.)
Narrator: He made us all take a look at what we were doing, and at the bargain he got a taste of real freedom.
(Before Rick J-22 could reach the hover-convertible, Rick D. Sanchez III shoots Rick J-22 behind his head and falls down in slow-motion. The scene fades to a video screen showing Rick J-22 crying tears of joy down the assembly line. The scene zooms out to reveal a blissful Rick J-22 hooked into the Simple Rick machine with two connecting pink tubes.)
Narrator: We captured that taste, and we keep giving it to him so he can give it right back to you, in every bite of new Simple Rick Freedom Wafer Selects. *shows wafer displayed on screen* Come home to the unique flavor of shattering the grand illusion. Come home to Simple Rick.
[Trans. Wishing Portal Building]
(The four Mortys approach a rusty-looking building encased by a tall circling wall.)
Fat Morty: It is real! *Slick breaks the lock with a lead pipe and the gates open*
Slick: After you. *the four Mortys walk through the gate. Slick drops his pipe along the way*
[Trans. Wishing Portal]
(The four Mortys walk inside a huge chamber with a giant green downwards tunnel and large industrial pipes above the tunnel.)
Fat Morty: There it is... the Wishing Portal. They say for your wish to come true, y-you have to give up something really important. *takes a food machine out of his bag* For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! *drops his panini maker down the portal. He turns back to Lizard Morty* And yes, I see the irony.
Lizard Morty: I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. *throws necklace into portal; Glasses takes out a candy bar*
Glasses Morty: I wish incest porn h-had a more mainstream appeal, f-for a friend of mine. *Slick takes a step forward, feeling withdrawn*
Slick: None of those things are gonna happen, y'know. Morty wishes never come true. Not on the Citadel.
Lizard Morty: Then why did you bring us here?
Slick: Because I wish that would change. I wish anything about this life would change.
Glasses Morty: Well, I hope you're putting something pretty goddamn important in there.
Slick: Me, too. But I doubt it. *throws himself into the portal; Glasses and Lizard scream in shock*
Glasses Morty: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Lizard Morty: SLI-I-I-I-I-I-I-ICK!!!!
(Slick plummets down the abyssal depths of the Wishing Portal and vanishes completely. The three Mortys take a moment of silence.)
Glasses Morty: Maybe... Maybe he went somewhere nice.
Rick PA Announcer: *via speaker* "Garbage dump. Stand *burp* back." *the three large pipes dump several amounts of garbage into the portal*
[Trans. Airlock Chamber]
(The two Bodyguard Ricks drag along a badly beaten-up Campaign Manager Morty and throw him into the airlock chamber.)
Campaign Manager Morty: *gets himself up* He gotta be stopped... *wipes bloodstain off his face* He-he cou-couldn't be allowed to win.
Bodyguard Rick 1: Then you should've *burp* worked on your aim, bro.
Campaign Manager Morty: He's alive?! No, no, no! You gotta listen to me! *shows his campaign badge* I-I worked for him! I was his campaign manager! That Morty is not what he seems.
Bodyguard Rick 2: Yeah, well, no Morty seems like a president.
Campaign Manager Morty: He... won?
Bodyguard Rick 2: Yeah. *the airlock door closes; Campaign Manager Morty immediately brings out the documents and cries out to the Bodyguard Ricks but to no avail*
Bodyguard Rick 1: It was a blowout. *pushes button on airlock panel and Campaign Manager Morty is instantly sucked out into space along with the dossier and its contents*
Bodyguard Rick 2: We hardly call it a blowout, it was almost close enough to trigger a recount.
Bodyguard Rick 1: Jesus, what are you, joke security now, too?
[Trans. Interrogation Room]
(Two Officer Ricks enter the interrogation room with Cop Rick in handcuffs.)
Cop Rick: Why am I still here? I already confessed to everything.
Officer Rick 1: Your case has been reviewed. *presses button, unlocks Cop Rick's handcuffs* You're free to go.
Cop Rick: But... I violated at least a dozen departmental codes!
Officer Rick 1: New department. New codes. *leaves room*
Officer Rick 2: New Citadel. *leaves with Officer Rick 1*
[Trans. Ext. Morty Academy]
(Teacher Rick locks the main entrance when Glasses, Lizard and Fat Morty arrive back to him.)
Glasses Morty: Did we miss graduation? Where are the new Ricks?
Teacher Rick: No graduation. No new Ricks. The school's curriculum is changing.
Glasses Morty: To what?
Teacher Rick: I don't know, and I don't have to know. I've been fired. *takes out a flask, unscrews top and walks off* Good luck, turds.
Lizard Morty: Holy crap... Slick's wish came true. *sees Glasses and Fat Morty smiling*
[Trans. Shadow Council of Ricks Hall]
(Rick D. Sanchez III arrives to take his seat next to Steve Jobs Rick.)
Rick D. Sanchez III: Sorry I'm late, Mr. President. Had a little crisis at work.
Steve Jobs Rick: Worth it! *eats Simple Rick wafer cookie; see President Morty having a haircut with Barber Rick*
President Morty: It's no problem. *to Barber Rick* Uh, a little more off the top. *continues* You were saying, Garment District Rick?
Garment District Rick: We were saying, *air-quotes* "President Morty," that we don't care who sits in that seat. A Rick, a Morty, a goddam Jerry, doesn't matter. We've been running the Citadel since before the Council, and you'll find that we're still running it now. *President Morty turns over holding a mirror*
President Morty: Does he really speak for everyone here?
Other Ricks: Yeah, yeah. *President Morty turns back again holding up the mirror*
President Morty: Well, I think it's important to be clear. Raise your hand if he speaks for you.
(Through President Morty's mirror reflection, seven Ricks including Rick D. Sanchez III and Garment District Rick raise their hands for a beat. President Morty snaps his finger and two Officer Ricks euthanise the five Ricks with shock lasers expect for Steve Jobs Rick and Good-Looking Rick.)
Barber Rick: *keeping his cool* Is that... enough off the top? *three more Officer Ricks enter*
President Morty: I don't know. *turns over the two remaining Ricks* Is it?
Steve Jobs Rick: *begging* Yes, yes, yes! Goddamn yes!
Good-Looking Rick: *begging* Yes, it's great!
President Morty: Good.
(President Morty then walks over to pour a glass of brandy as the Officer Ricks and Mortys carry the Rick corpses away. President Morty observes outside the window as he continues his dialogue.)
President Morty: This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power...
(Scenes show the new Morty/Rick banners covering the old Rick emblems of a building; Cop Rick putting on his new police badge; Fat, Glasses and Lizard Morty wheelbarrowing Megafruit in their new uniforms; Officer Ricks dragging the remaining dead Ricks into airlock pods. Cut back to President Morty.)
President Morty: But speeches are for campaigning. *looks into his glass of brandy and gives a sinister expression* Now... is the time for action.
[Trans. Ext. Airlock Outside the Citadel]
(Four dead Ricks, including Rick D. Sanchez III and Garment District Rick, are chucked out of the airlock. "For the Damaged Coda" plays in the background as the scene zooms out revealing dozens of dead Ricks and Mortys floating in space including Cop Morty, Big Morty, Investigator Rick and Campaign Manager Morty. The floating documents shows pictures of a Morty with an eyepatch; Candidate Morty taking off his eyepatch with a puppet-controlled Rick before the pictures float away off-screen.)
[Trans. Int. Rick's Garage]
(Rick and Morty teleport back to the garage in full scuba gear.)
Rick: Whoa!! Hahaha, yeah! Atlantis, baby!
Morty: That was amazing! *both take off their snorkels and flippers*
Rick: Got some of that mermaid puss!
Morty: I'm really hoping it wasn't a one-off thing and I can see her again. By the way, hey, um... still not curious about what might've happened at that crazy Citadel place?
Rick: *takes seaweed off his pants* Pssh! Not at all, Morty. That place will never have any bearing over our lives ever again. Unlike that mermaid puss! Yeah!! We're going back for seconds! We're gonna do that shit every week, man! That was Atlantis!
Morty: *as Rick continues celebrating* Whoo! Yeah! Yeaah! Ohhh, shit!
[END OF EPISODE]