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This is a transcribed copy for the episode "The Old Man and the Seat." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode. |
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Transcript[]
We're out of syrup.
Huh. You know what?
Maybe I'll use my intern.
Glootie? - Good?
- Thanks, Glootie. - Anything else?
Do you want to develop an app?
- No thanks, Glootie. - Hey, what's up, Glootie?
Hi, Morty. Do you want to develop an app?
- No thanks. - Rick, why does it say,
"Do not develop my app," on your intern's forehead?
Why, you want to develop one?
Ah, I'm glad you asked that, Jerry.
It's so you don't develop his app.
Glootie, go make some photocopies of something. Cool.
Well, if anyone wants to develop an app with me, I'm down.
He seems to really want to develop an app.
He really does, sweetie, but nobody's gonna do that.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got a quick solo adventure to go on,
and this one will not be directed by Ron Howard. He's gonna go poop.
When Grandpa Rick pats his belly like that
and leaves without Morty, it means he's going to go poop.
He's a shy pooper. He has a secret pooping place.
Rick: Man, you, Summer.
Beth: Honey, why can't you get this excited about your SATs?
Well, I'm man enough to simply say, "I'm going to poop,"
and I'd be honored to have Ron Howard involved.
Good job, hon. Way to go, Dad. We're rooting for ya.
He's really putting you to work, huh?
Did you want to develop an app?
- I'll pass, Glootie. - Hmm, your loss.
Oh, yeah? Why's that?
Eh, it's an app you'd want to develop.
- Can I ask what it is? - Of course you can.
That's always the first step in app development.
Ah.
50/50! Final offer!
Reverse digestion extrapolation.
Time to meet your maker.
What are you guys doing?
Did you develop an app?
Rule number one in app development, son...
never follow the rules.
Except when the rule is tattooed on an alien's forehead, Dad.
Why do you think Rick would have that rule?
'Cause he's a disrupt-o-phobe.
No, Dad, no.
To keep something horrible from happening,
something he's too lazy to explain.
Guys, we're getting our first users.
Whoa, this new app just matched me
with a guy that is su my ty.
Super my type. Learn to abbre.
Hey!
Your su ty works at Jersey Mike's
and sees 25 Phish shows a year.
- That is so Danny. - Summer!
- Danny? - Summer Smith?
Danny Publits from Lovefinderrz with two "R's" and a "Z"?
I ran all the way here while staring at your profile.
I tripped on a fire hydrant and fell down,
so I'm covered in gravel that stuck to my sweat.
And even after a shower,
I'll still be into a jam band for old junkies,
but I think this world cares too much about bands
and too little about love.
And I think I love you. - Me, too.
Hi, I'm my underaged daughter's mother.
Nice to... whoa!
Come on. Just met.
Uh, this isn't working.
Wait. What are you...
Never mind.
I quit, I'm gay, and I love Xander.
Stupid phones are destroying us.
Hey, sweetie.
Honey, our daughter ran off with a Frisbee golfer
because of some app with a really dumb,
really forgettable name.
Like a really dumb, uncreative, super sweaty name.
Anyway, I'll be late. I love you.
Got it. I love you, too.
Okay, Glootie, take the app down.
Can't take it down. I'm just an intern.
Uh, that's not how apps work.
Then make it how it works.
This isn't how making things work works.
Get... get it off the server.
Y-You think we're stupid, but we're not.
We know apps have something to do with servers.
The server's on the mother ship.
Where's the mother ship?
- It's coming. - Take us to it.
- No. - Yes.
Shake him more, Morty. That was working.
Take us to the mother ship.
Okay, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me.
Jerry: An ominous beeping app.
You can't stay made at a guy with this kind of talent.
Dad, you can, and you have to.
- Ribbit, ribbit. - Ribbit, ribbit.
- Hey, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit! - Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit!
Look at this guy. He wants to eat me so bad.
You want to eat me, don't you?
- Ribbit. - Just kidding. Have some drugs.
- Are you Vermigurber? - What does this guy want?
Who is this monkey? - I'm here about a sandwich.
Oh, well you came to the right place...
'Cause you're about to get a bullet sandwich
on two slices of whole... gun.
You might want to get that.
Hello?
Voice: Dad, give the human whatever he wants.
He knows where I live. He's crazy!
You idiot.
I have 800,000 kids.
Don't forget your voicemail.
Automated male voice: You have 470,000 messages.
Oh, ah, that's half of them.
Okay, w-w-what do you want? What do you want?
Wait, this is seriously about sandwiches?
I thought this was about drugs or guns
or the fact that I'm a fly that runs a frog restaurant.
There's a million things that are interesting about me,
and none of them are sandwiches.
- Who ordered it? - Talk to our delivery drone.
He... he run off to fight in the robot wars.
Hey, ape man, I hope this was worth
making a whole swarm of enemies.
It will be when I find whoever shit in my toilet.
Is that code for something? Someone look that up.
If that's drug slang, I need to know it.
Ah!
- Mom, you can't stop true love. - Oh, yes, I can.
- You're assaulting me! - Keep your voice down.
I'm being assaulted!
Oh, yeah? Okay.
Statutory rape! - Whoa.
My daughter's about to be raped!
No, I'm not! I'm being assaulted!
- Rape! - Assault!
- Rape! - Nobody cares. It's a motel.
Nobody's here because their life's going so great
they can afford to get mixed up in yours.
Deal with this on your own.
You can't stop us from getting a motel room.
Fine. I'll get one, too.
I'm getting the one next door,
and I'm putting a glass to the wall, and I'm listening.
- Fine. Enjoy. - I will.
- I'm Danny, by the way. - You had your chance, dick.
Take your app down.
T-Take... take it down.
- What? - I'm their hostage.
- Do they have weapons? - Nope, but neither do I.
Do... do you have a weapon?
No.
- Take the app down. - Take the app down.
I can't. I'm an intern.
Okay, well who tells interns what to do?
Not you, that's for sure.
Take us to whoever does, or w-w-we'll... we'll punch you.
Okay.
Not bad, Morty.
Yeah, I don't know when the other shoe's gonna drop,
but this is working pretty good so far.
Greetings. We are the Monogatrons.
While your species was still toying with fire,
ours mastered the science of functioning,
committed relationships.
As the latest planet to develop our app,
you will now witness the true power of superior intimacy.
Take the app down.
Take it down, or... we'll... we'll... we'll punch you.
Is there someone with a gun or...
It's on its way.
The app remains up.
So what's the evil plan?
Does there have to be an evil plan?
- Oh, uh, uh... - Uh, someone wanted a gun?
I'll take it. Thanks.
Here's the evil plan.
Goddamn it.
As a preapp civilization,
your love's value is defined by scarcity.
You are highly trained to seek it,
and you have no idea how to maintain it.
Had you bothered to master love,
you would've learned by now, it is as abundant as water.
You know what isn't? Water.
That runs out.
So we'll be taking yours.
While your planet continues to dick around with a, uh...
what is their version of it called?
Lovefinderrz, with two "R's" and a "Z."
- Oof. - Yeah, not my idea.
- Goddamn. - Am I interrupting?
- Impossible. Here she is. - Mwah.
Your prisoners are getting away.
Prisoners are just things.
Connect with me. Tell me about your day.
I had an incredible meeting.
Did you know humans are 80% water?
And I found a new podcast we can listen to tonight.
Love it.
Okay, back to work.
Find and kill those earthlings.
We're outnumbered. There's no hope.
Then we go out in glory.
Flesh intruder, prepare to die.
Oh, hold on.
My apologies, Lieutenant Commander.
No problem. At ease, Soldier.
Initiate Employee Evaluation Mode.
- Accessing delivery archive. - Okay, listen.
You delivered an avian protein club sandwich
with no lettu... Goddamn it.
Oy, scoping for this bit, then?
Alright, a-a-alright. I know you want to have
the big guy/little guy fight, but...
Aw, are you kidding me?
Alien newscaster: Here at the Midland Quasar, where, in a complete upset,
the Robolution has overturned the lizards.
It's totally unexpected.
Uh, I understand, Mr. Phillips.
Yes.
I believe this is yours.
You, uh... you dropped that.
I'll have to call you back.
Where do you want to die?
Susan, is conference room three available?
Can I look at a photo of my wife while you kill me?
Sure, but I'm doing her a favor.
She either has terrible taste,
or she's trapped in a marriage to a toilet thief.
She's dead.
And I don't mind joining her.
Life has been hollow since I lost her.
Using your toilet was nice, though.
I'm a bit of a shy pooper.
I'm ready when you are.
Stay there.
Tell him what you told me.
What is this? What's happening?
Tell him what you told me.
My wife's still alive.
Sh... sh... she went into remission 10 years ago.
And what did you do today?
Oh, I, uh, pooped
on a really awesome toilet I found...
oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, oh!
Don't use your dead wife as an excuse.
You on my toilet because you don't know your place,
and your place is nothing.
So next time you stumble onto a toilet
that feels too good for your ass, trust me, it is.
You're not gonna kill me?
Don't tell me what to do!
Say, "This is my shit my shit" ♪od beeps ]
♪ See the flick of my wrist, of my wrist ♪
♪ And I know she know what's up ♪
♪ Baby, this is my shit my shit ♪
♪ See the flick of my wrist, my wrist ♪
Are you kidding me?
♪ When you in my section, fill it up when my cup empty ♪
♪ I can't with rats ♪
♪ That's a fact, that's a dub ♪
Oh, so you like being alive?
So why the are you back here?
After you left, I thought about what you said
and how much I needed to hear it,
but then I thought about why you were saying it,
who you were really saying it to.
You need the same thing I needed, Rick.
You need someone to give you, permission to live.
What the...?
I thought you were a shy pooper.
You know what shy pooping is, Rick?
It's a pointless bid for control.
You want to take the one part of life
that you truly think is yours, and you want to protect it
from a universe that takes whatever it wants.
It took my wife.
It clearly took something from you.
We can spend our lives fighting that,
or we can choose to be free.
You're right, Tony. I'm done fighting.
Time to be free.
Oh, wait, you're actually gonna...
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Where am I? - Hi, little mouse.
Baby bee? I missed you so much.
I never really left you.
Then you know that a few years ago
I started getting into... - Strap-on porn?
Yes. I thought it was hot.
Now, come on. - Where are you going?
- To poop. - Where?
Wherever you want, forever.
My God.
You rang? I'm pooping, too.
Come, Tony. Come on.
Come poop with me. Poop with me, Tony.
Poop with me.
What are you waiting for?
Aren't you gonna join us, Tony?
Aren't you gonna join us in the pooping?
Where are we? What is this?
That's it. Get out.
You can make a perfectly-realized,
toilet-filled simulation of heaven,
but you can't share a toilet?
Don't insult my craft.
The chemical is Globaflyn.
It connects the whatever-you-want section
of your brain to the whatever-you-have section.
If your heaven is toilets, that's on you.
All of these people...
Are living their wildest, meaningless dreams
and leaving me out of them.
People you refuse to kill and refuse to let into your life.
An offer you rejected, so here's your last chance.
Goodbye forever. If you touch my toilet again, you die.
You need a friend.
I have a million cooler friends than you.
- I'll be seeing you. - You'll be dying.
- We're gonna be friends. - You're gonna be dead.
Jerry: So, we fight our way to the gas line,
we cut it, and then we set a fire.
Okay. Alright.
Morty, "Adventures of Jerry and Morty," huh?
Put her there. - Dad, look, y-you know,
w-we don't need to high-five.
It's... it's kind of your fault
that we're in this situation at all.
I know, but, you know, come on.
"Adventures of Jerry and Morty."
Okay.
Mwah.
Jeff, I can explain everything.
You don't have to.
Can you just marry us instead?
Jeff, don't do it!
Richard.
Maggie.
- Running Bird. - Let's get out of here.
- Priest Witherspoon. - Josiah?
Let's get the out of here.
Summer Smith, let's get the hell out of here.
You had me at my own name.
Oh, yeah, no. Why would I...?
Summer!
Thing.
Come on. I can't steer this.
What in the hell are you doing?
- Parenting. - That's not how I did it.
Yeah, where's your daughter?
Ah, you're right.
She joined ISIS.
It's Glootie, and he's had a change of heart.
And he's going to set us free.
Actually, he's been blamed for bringing you aboard
and assigned to execute you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.
What would your girlfriend think of you murdering?
I happen to be between relationships right now.
Really? I thought your species had perfected relationships.
Here. We're not allowed to use those apps.
I wonder why.
Yeah, that's what I thought, Glootie.
Looks like you and I...
Are all we've got.
I'm not helping you any more than that,
but if you can find the hangar,
grab a ship and get the hell out of here.
Where you going, Glootie?
I've got a date with dumping a dating app.
Glootie-ootie-ooh!
- Was that ever his thing? - No.
- He never exited that way. - No, first time.
Dad, I want to say something.
I started today disgusted and embarrassed to be your son,
and then later I thought we were gonna die
because you're a loser.
- There's no more, is there? - Nope.
Now quit up, and let's go.
Is Tony here? I br... I brought him some, uh,
Vegan Fiber Chili, delicious family recipe,
and a box of these, uh, chocolates, sugar free.
He can eat as many of these as he wants.
Anyways, uh, just wanted to drop these off,
and you tell him, uh, the toilet's all his.
H-He... he'll know what I mean.
Tony died.
- Excuse me? - He quit his job,
starting living life to the fullest.
He crashed into a tree
space-skiing down Mount Space Everest.
There's a Mount Space Everest?
Okay. Uh, Jesus.
I-I got to process this.
Oh, no, no. You... you don't want to eat that.
Y-y-you'll... you'll... you'll become
the opening of "The Beverly Hillbillies."
You know what I'm saying? A little bubbling crude?
Texas tea? - I don't know these references.
Yeah, but you have a Space Everest?
Watch "Space Beverly Hillbillies"
so my jokes can land, you.
Now what?
Happily ever after.
And after that?
We'll find out together.
Summer how many soul mates is that in the last week?
Four. You can't stop me from loving who I love, Mom.
Oh, the I can't.
I'm gonna mother you until your 18th birthday,
even if I get thrown in prison for non-consensual mothering.
And even then, I will break out,
come to your house, kick down your door,
and mother your face out of your stupid asshole.
I'm gonna daughter your brains out, bitch.
Mother
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
Gimme dat new soul mate.
Ad wall?
This.
Ad wall? What, they want us to pay for it now?
Man: Ugh, ad wall?
Come on, Mom. Let's go home.
Great. We lost Earth.
We aren't defined by what we do, and we only need each other.
Each other... and water.
There's no water?
Honey, the whole point of conquering Earth...
I know the point of conquering Earth.
Don't talk to me like... - Like I'm thirsty?
Like I'm your mother, you childish prick.
How much water are you sucking
through these stupid tubes on your back?
These tubes are cool, and I want a divorce.
You can have one for a glass of Goddamn water.
Look, uh, on the off-chance that you used the app
and there's someone out there waiting for you, I, uh...
Jerry, I didn't use it. Did you?
Me? No. God, of course not.
Well, then, we're all good, dawg.
Hey, uh... Hey, uh, Tony's dad,
uh, th-this is, um, $8 billion in your local currency,
and, uh, this is a kit you can use to clone a new son.
He... he won't have the same brain.
He'll kind of be an animal man, but you can teach him stuff.
I-I-I also wanted to let you know
I did explore infinite universes,
and there is a version of Tony that was completely evil
and ended up causing a lot of genocide
because of how fulfilled he was.
So, really, a lot of ways of looking at this
as not much of a loss.
I understand.
It's, uh, hard losing a friend.
- You. - What?
He's not my friend.
There he is. There's our guy.
Congrats, Tony.
Have fun with your stupid toilet
that you get to use all by yourself now.
Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there
and think about how nobody wants to be around you
and how you ruined it for yourself
because you're a huge piece of
Look at you sitting there,
King Shit on his throne of loneliness.
Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me
screaming every time you take a
All hail his majesty,
the sa-a-ddest piece of garbage in the entire cosmos.
Long live the big, bad, doo-doo daddy.
May his reign last 1,000 years.
Rick, did you take the Tapatío?
Hmm, Globaflyn?
Thanks. I could never lift it up. No problem.
I'll be able to drink water for weeks because of you.
It's just part of my job, ma'am.
Breaker one nine, this is Jerry Smith.
Uh, just finished my first delivery of the day.
900 more to go.