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This article is a transcript of the Season 2 finale of Rick and Morty, The Wedding Squanchers.


[Open the Smith family house]

(The Smith Family is sat around a table having cereal for breakfast together.)

Jerry: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk.

Beth: Jerry, get a job.

(A knock is heard at the front door.)

Rick: Uh, w-why don't you get it Jerry? you're the man of the house and you don't have a job.

Jerry: *Sighs and stands up to answer door*

(Jerry opens the door and flinches in fear as a large brain-resembling, automated delivery mechanism [a 'courier flap'] hovers into the house and makes its way into the dining room.)

Courier Flap: (In an automated machine voice) Delivery for Rick, Morty, Summer, Beth and Jerry.

Summer: *Drops spoon upon seeing the Courier Flap* Gross, what is that thing?

Rick: It's a Courier Flap, it's like the Intergalactic version of UPS but less off-putting. *Reaches hand into courier and retrieves a metallic egg-shaped item*

OH SHIEEET! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson! It must be time for his annual Oscar party. By the way, our TV signals take lightyears to reach his planet, nobody tell him that Braveheart wins.

(Rick cracks the egg open like a regular egg. Upon cracking the egg, a miniature hologram emerges with Pachelbel's Canon playing in the background and videos of Tammy and Birdperson.)

Birdperson's Voice: Greetings, this is Birdperson.

Tammy's Voice: And Tammy!

Birdperson's Voice: Inviting you to Planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony.

Rick: (With disgust) Ughhhh... *places a napkin over the hologram and takes it to the bin in the kitchen)

Tammy's Voice: (Muffled by napkin) If you're not a bird, that means we're getting married!

Summer: Oh my God! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson!

Jerry: What the hell is a 'Birdperson,'?

Morty: He's Rick's best friend.

Rick: Uhhhh, l-l-let's not get carried away, Morty.

Courier Flaps: Would you like to RSVP or send a gift?

Rick: No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, *belch* I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

Courier Flap: Affirmative. Returning to sender. *flies towards front door*

Beth: No, hold on, stay... 'Courier Flaps.'

Courier Flap: *Turning back around and re-entering dining room* Staying.

Beth: Dad, you have a friend that's getting married... that's a big deal.

Jerry: *Scoffs* it's a big deal he has a friend.

Rick: What do you know about friendship, Jerrrrrry?

Courier Flap: Confirm, shipping Jerry. *Hovers over Jerry and fully shoves him into underside before flying away through open front door and into sky*

Beth: Oh God, Jerry?! *Runs to front door*

Summer and Morty: Dad?! *Follow Beth*

Beth: *Looking into sky* Where is it taking him?

Rick: *Still eating cereal* I assume Planet Squanch, 6000 lightyears across the galaxy.

Morty: Wh?-Wh- th-th-that's insane!

Rick: Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

[Trans. Rick, Summer, Beth and Morty flying through the galaxy in Rick's space cruiser while the radio plays techno music. The cruiser then flies down through the atmosphere of a clouded planet and lands on the surface of Planet Squanch.]

Squanchy: Rick Sanchez, you psycho bag of Squanch!

Rick: *Unscrewing and drinking from scotch flask* Hey, what's up, Squanchy?

Summer and Morty: *Morty waves* Heya Squanchy.

Squanchy: Morty, Summer! And you must be Beth. *kissing Beth's hand* Au squanché.

Beth: *Holding a suit in a dry cleaning bag* Your language has 'squanch,' in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out like the Smurf thing?

Rick: Beth, Squanchy culture is more... contextual than literal. You just say what's in your squanch and people understand.

Beth: Oh, okay... I squanch my family.

(Rick and Squanchy look at her with disgust and shock.)

Squanchy: Uhh...

Beth: What? I do, I squanch my family.

Squanchy: Just stop saying it, gross.

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