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PM-icon-101 This is a transcribed copy for the episode "The Wedding Squanchers." Feel free to edit or add to this page as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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This article is a transcript of the Season 2 finale of Rick and Morty, The Wedding Squanchers.

WeddingSquanchEp

Transcript[]

[Open the Smith family house]

(The Smith Family is sat around a table having cereal for breakfast together.)

Jerry: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% of it above the milk.

Beth: Jerry, get a job.

(A knock is heard at the front door.)

Rick: Uh, w-why don't you get it Jerry? you're the man of the house and you don't have a job.

Jerry: (Sighs and stands up to answer door)

(Jerry opens the door and flinches in fear as a large brain-resembling, automated delivery mechanism [a 'courier flap'] hovers into the house and makes its way into the dining room.)

Courier Flap: (In an automated machine voice) Delivery for Rick, Morty, Summer, Beth and Jerry.

Summer: (Drops spoon upon seeing the Courier Flap) Gross, what is that thing?

Rick: It's a Courier Flap, it's like the Intergalactic version of UPS but less off-putting. (Reaches hand into courier and retrieves a metallic egg-shaped item) OH SHIEEET! It looks like an egg-vite from Birdperson! It must be time for his annual Oscar party. By the way, our TV signals take lightyears to reach his planet, nobody tell him that Braveheart wins.

(Rick cracks the egg open like a regular egg. Upon cracking the egg, a miniature hologram emerges with Pachelbel's Canon playing in the background and videos of Tammy and Birdperson.)

Birdperson's Voice: Greetings, this is Birdperson.

Tammy's Voice: And Tammy!

Birdperson's Voice: Inviting you to Planet Squanch for our mate-melding ceremony.

Rick: (With disgust) Ughhhh... (Places a napkin over the hologram and takes it to the bin in the kitchen)

Tammy's Voice: (Muffled by napkin) If you're not a bird, that means we're getting married!

Summer: Oh my God! My friend Tammy's marrying Birdperson!

Jerry: What the hell is a 'Birdperson,'?

Morty: He's Rick's best friend.

Rick: Uhhhh, l-l-let's not get carried away, Morty.

Courier Flaps: Would you like to RSVP or send a gift?

Rick: No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, *belch* I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

Courier Flap: Affirmative. Returning to sender. (Flies towards front door)

Beth: No, hold on, stay... 'Courier Flaps.'

Courier Flap: (Turning back around and re-entering dining room) Staying.

Beth: Dad, you have a friend that's getting married... that's a big deal.

Jerry: *Scoffs* it's a big deal he has a friend.

Rick: What do you know about friendship, Jerrrrrry?

Courier Flap: Confirm, shipping Jerry. (Hovers over Jerry and fully shoves him into underside before flying away through open front door and into sky)

Beth: Oh God, Jerry?! (Runs to front door)

Summer and Morty: Dad?! (Follows Beth)

Beth: (Looking into sky) Where is it taking him?

Rick: (Still eating cereal) I assume Planet Squanch, 6000 lightyears across the galaxy.

Morty: Wh?-Wh- th-th-that's insane!

Rick: Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.

[Trans. Rick, Summer, Beth and Morty flying through the galaxy in Rick's space cruiser while the radio plays techno music. The cruiser then flies down through the atmosphere of a clouded planet and lands on the surface of Planet Squanch.]

Squanchy: Rick Sanchez, you psycho bag of Squanch!

Rick: (Unscrewing and drinking from scotch flask) Hey, what's up, Squanchy?

Summer and Morty: (Morty waves) Heya Squanchy.

Squanchy: Morty, Summer! And you must be Beth. (Kisses Beth's hand) Au squanché.

Beth: (Holding a suit in a dry cleaning bag) Your language has 'squanch,' in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out like the Smurf thing?

Rick: Beth, Squanchy culture is more... contextual than literal. You just say what's in your squanch and people understand.

Beth: Oh, okay... I squanch my family.

(Rick and Squanchy look at her with disgust and shock.)

Squanchy: Uhh...

Beth: What? I do, I squanch my family.

Squanchy: Just stop saying it, gross.


Photography Cyborg: I am not staring at you. I am Cyborg photographer, just act natural. This is a candid shot, I don't require a camera so... (An quest looks away.) Sorry. (Turns to another quest.) Hi, I am not staring at you.

(An Squanchy waiter brought an plate with monkey-like head meal to an female, plant alien quest. Opens the lid and revealed out plant food inside, only to cause for the quest to scream then later passed out to the floor.)

Rick: But, BUT. Here's the thing, Birdperson is my best friend, and if he he loves Tammy, well then I love Tammy too.

(People around clapping and cheers, Beth hold Jerry's hand and smiles, Squanchy takes an collar from his wrist and throws to the floor which that reads Rick's BFF as he's disgusted.)

Rick: To friendship, to love and to my greatest adventure yet, opening myself up to others!

Summer:

Morty: Cheers to that, motherfuckers!

Tammy: Thank you, Rick. That was beautiful. Cuz I look around this room, and I think "Uh Tammy, you're a high school senior from the Planet Earth and you're marrying a 40 year old Birdperson", like "Whaaat"?

(The quests chuckles.)

Summer: Yeah Tammy!

Tammy: Then I think, you know in a lot of ways I'm not a high school senior from the planet Earth. In a lot ways what I really am, is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is in a certain sense surrounded.

Morty: Huh?

Summer: What?

Rick: Oh shit.

Beth: I don't get the metaphor.

Jerry: I'll explain it to you later.

Tammy: Everyone here is under arrested for the crime against the Federation! (Putting out the Pulse Rifle from the large nest.)

Humanoid Quest: L'chaim!

Birdperson: (Stands up) Tammy, what are you doing here?

Tammy: (Aiming at Birdperson, warning him.) Sit! Your bird ass, down!

Birdperson: Tammy?

(Tammy opens fire at Birdperson, killing him and Birdperson collapses to the floor from the nest as Rick and quests watched in shock and horror.)

Birdperson: Caaww! Caww...

Rick: Birdperson, NOOOOOOOO!!

(Squanchy and several lots of quests, revealed to criminals, put out their firearm weapons and opens fire.)

Squanchy: RAAOOWWARR!!! (Fatally slaps an Gromflomite his way.) WHAT ABOUT A TASTE OF MY SQUANCH!!?? (Growls as he fights the rest of the agents and officers.)

Rick: Come on, this way!

(The Smith family stood up and run, as Jerry take an weapon with him.)

Squanchy: SQAUSH THIS!! (Almost stomps on Tammy as she trips.)

Jerry: I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to earth, as long as Rick was out there, they’d want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical, what if we turned your father in to the government?

Beth: Jerry, so help me god, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon.

Jerry: There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are we doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?

Morty: That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! F-For the most part.

Summer: Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally.

Beth: That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

Jerry: Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?

All but Jerry: Yes.

Jerry: WHY?!

Beth: Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!

Rick: Hey, uh, I was gonna hop over to the Gloppydrop System, get some ice cream.

Morty: You... You want me to come with? I mean, don't you need my brainwaves for camouflage or something?

Rick: I'll be okay. Bye, Morty.

Morty: Rick? You're not leaving, right?

Rick: Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.

Morty: So you're coming back?

Rick: Morty, if you go to where there’s a bunch of ice cream and then you don’t come back, you haven’t actually gotten ice cream, you’ve just gone where ice cream is.

Morty: Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break mom's heart, and I won't forgive you for that.

Rick: Where's the van, Morty?

Morty: It's over the horizon in the driveway.

[While Rick is flying through space, he dials a number on his phone.]

Operator: [speaking in an unintelligible language] For English, press 2. [Rick pushes a button.] Connecting to agent.

Female Voice: Ongoing investigations.

Rick: Uh, hi. My name is Jerry Smith, I'm from Planet Earth. I know the whereabouts of Rick Sanchez, the wanted criminal.

Female Voice: Hold on!

[The phone is heard ringing as Rick is connected to another officer.]

Gribbles: This is Special Agent Gribbles. You have a tip about Rick Sanchez?

Rick: Yeah, he kidnapped me and my family, and he left us on Dwarf Terrace-9. He said he was gonna go to the Plim Plom Tavern. And listen.

Gribbles: Yes?

Rick: I'm doing what's right for the galaxy by calling you, so if we come back to Earth, can my family have a normal life?

Gribbles: We only want Sanchez, sir. Your family will be fine.

Rick: Nice, thank you. I'm Jerry Smith, and I love sucking big, sweaty boners and licking disgusting and furry testicle sacks.

Gribbles: Uh, okay.

(“Hurt” by Nine Inch Nine starts playing in the background. Rick drives to the planet where Plim Plom Tavern is at. Inside the Tavern where Rick is sitting and drinking while looking at the picture of him and his friends at the club. Knowing his friends are gone, standing up and drops the picture to the floor, places some cents on the table and walks out in right time to be only put his hands up, surrounding to the Gromflomite soldiers to be getting arrested.)

(While at the Smith family whose still on Dwarf Terrace-9, knowing that Rick's not coming back.)

Beth: He's not coming back, isn't he?

Morty: No.

(The Galactic Federation ships arriving at the planet and lands the surface.)

Jerry: Hey look, cops!

Gromflomite officer: Good morning.

(Jerry is happy going back to earth while everyone is sad because Rick never came back.)

Gromflomite receptionist: How long will you be visiting Earth?

Jerry: Oh, we live here. We were just off-planet for a wedding.

Gromflomite receptionist: Go that way (points to the direction)

(Gromflomites Officers holds them while everyone has their tongue pulled and has serum to it for DNA, all kept in classified data. Gromflomite Officers pushed them outside. While they scout the earth, a robot approached and scans Jerry.)

Robot: I have processed that you are in distress, and I have prescribed anti-depressants. Compliments of the Galactic Federation.

Jerry: (consumed the pills) I feel better

Robot: Your debt is 7,000 Fed credits. Report to the Ministry of Employment and you will be assigned a function.

Jerry: Honey! I got a job! (carries Beth on excitement)

(At the Galactic Federation Prison where arrested Rick is sent there by the landing ship. “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nine continues playing in the background.)

Prison Photography Cyborg: Sorry. I am not staring at you, I'm taking your mugshot. (Takes a mugshot picture.)

(Rick in his inmate suit, taken by the prison guards. Rick has his tongue pulled and has serum to it for DNA, all kept in classified data, with marking him been so far committed everything as they watched. Soon, Rick's put to an cube like cell and taken in air, incarcerating him inside in the maximum-security room. Afterwards, now places him there, besiding to an Splorpian and Zerillian inmates.)

Zerillian prisoner: Hey, what are you in for?

Rick: Everything.

[Credits]

(After Credits scene: Mr. Poopybutthole sitting on his chair while nodding on the credits then turns off the tv,)

Mr. Poopybutthole: Hoo-Whee, what a cliffhanger. Oh, boy, oh, my! That's a reak crazy ending, huh? Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole from episode 204. (Grunts for the pain in his chest) As you can see, (more grunts while lifting a heavy bag of cat ) I'm still recovering from the bullet shot that I got from Beth. Remember that one? Ooh-Whee! Come and get it, kitty. You know, these little fellows help me get through the day. (consumes some pills) Ooh-whee. (consumes some more pills) Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better. (Doorbell rings)

Pizza Derivery Man: I got a large pepperoni and some crazy sticks.

Mr. Poopybutthole: Hey, what did you think of the finale, huh? Mm! You think the Smith family is gonna be okay?

Pizza Derivery Man: Yeah, I don't know what you're taking about, bro. Your total is $12.37

Mr. Poopybutthole: (Throws the pizza and the sticks) Whoo-Whee! You think Rick's gonna get out off jail? Whoo-Whee, you think the family's gonna rescue him?

Pizza Derivery Man: Hey, what the fuck?! Get the fuck off me! Get the fuck off!

Mr. Poopybutthole: (Pizza Derivery Man throws him on the ground)Ow! Tune in to "Rick and Morty" season three in, like, a year and a half... or longer to see how we unravel this mess. Ooh-Whee!

[Episode end]

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Seasons
Season 1 PilotLawnmower DogAnatomy ParkM. Night Shaym-Aliens!Meeseeks and DestroyRick Potion #9Raising GazorpazorpRixty MinutesSomething Ricked This Way ComesClose Rick-Counters of the Rick KindRicksy Business
Season 2 A Rickle in TimeMortynight RunAuto Erotic AssimilationTotal RickallGet SchwiftyThe Ricks Must Be CrazyBig Trouble In Little SanchezInterdimensional Cable 2: Tempting FateLook Who's Purging NowThe Wedding Squanchers
Season 3 The Rickshank RickdemptionRickmancing the StonePickle RickVindicators 3: The Return of WorldenderThe Whirly Dirly ConspiracyRest and RicklaxationThe Ricklantis MixupMorty's Mind BlowersThe ABC's of BethThe Rickchurian Mortydate
Season 4 Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die RickpeatThe Old Man and the SeatOne Crew Over the Crewcoo's MortyClaw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's MortyRattlestar RicklactiaNever Ricking MortyPromortyusThe Vat of Acid EpisodeChildrick of MortStar Mort Rickturn of the Jerri
Season 5 Mort Dinner Rick AndreMortyplicityA Rickconvenient MortRickdependence SprayAmortycan GrickfittiRick & Morty's Thanksploitation SpectacularGotron Jerrysis RickvangelionRickternal Friendshine of the Spotless MortForgetting Sarick MortshallRickmurai Jack
Season 6 SolaricksRick: A Mort Well LivedBethic TwinstinctNight FamilyFinal DeSmithationJuRicksic MortFull Meta JackrickAnalyze PissA Rick in King Mortur's MortRicktional Mortpoon's Rickmas Mortcation
Season 7 How Poopy Got His Poop BackThe Jerrick TrapAir Force WongThat's AmorteUnmortrickenRickfending Your MortWet Kuat Amortican SummerRise of the Numbericons: The MovieMort: RagnarickFear No Mort
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